Favorite quotes

Hard-Luck Henry
Blackadder's Aunt, a Puritan, on being offered a chair:
"A chair?! You have chairs in your house?" *Slaps Blackadder* "Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan. In our house Nathaniel sits on a spike. I sit on Nathaniel - two spikes would be an extravagance."
Black Adder! I remember being quite young sitting with my dad and watching Black adder II.

He'd been captures by a german spy. Black Adder asks him a bunch of questions about how he. The spy. could possible know so much. the spy's response was always "I'd do anything for my country"

then they start to discuss what disquise the spy had used. The milk maid. Black Adder "but didn't we......(implying sex) german spy "I'd do anything for my country"

On and On it goes. the spy having been everywhere Black adder had been and in mulitple disquises. then it comes to a sheep. Black Adder "but didn't we...." spy "I'd do anything for my country"\

OH it was soooooo funny.

I also remember another episode where The Queen plays a joke on Black Adder and pretends they've all been horribly massacred. Blood everywhere. court lying around dead. What a demented sense of humour. Sadly. I laughed.
Hard-Luck Henry
Yes! They made four series, but Blackadder II is my favourite. Miranda Richardson was great as Queenie, and some of Blackadder's insults were top notch.

eg. Melchett:"Some pleasant word game perhaps, to pass the time?"

Edmund:"OK. Make a sentence from these words, face sodding your shut."

Or when the foppish lord Percy was showing off a tiny trinket that he'd paid a small fortune for, saying "But tiny is the latest fashion," to which Blackadder replies, "Then you, Percy, have the most fashionable brain in London."
Tom McNall
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W. C. Fields
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.-- George Carlin
Tom McNall
Was that from "When is Jesus Bringing the Pork Chops"?

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world maybe you've seen it.
- Steven Wright
hehhehhehe..thats a good quote, think I will keep it.

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."
Deep thoughts by Jack handey
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Emo Philips
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Vanni Fucci
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
--Deeper Thoughts, by Jack Handey
I love that guys quotes

"Next thanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play: When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under the mashed potatoes. When your family asks "don't you want some turkey?" pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell "I tricked you"!.
Jack handey
Hard-Luck Henry
I've been reading about William Lyon Mackenzie, and his opposition to the Family Compact:

"Tories! Pensioners! Profligates! Orangemen! Churchmen! Brokers! Gamblers! Parasites! Allow me to congratulate you. Your feet are at last on the people's necks."

A like to hear a spade called a spade.
good one henry.

"folks still remember the day bob ridley came bouncing down the dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. The tire popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Some say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddam liar"
Jack handey
Hard-Luck Henry
"It is unusual for a man on his own to feel like laughing."
-- Jean Paul Sartre

Maybe, but I laughed when I read that quote, peapod.
Well that a good thing henry :P to laugh I mean...here is another for yea.

"When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you would hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone that went in...never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderer's house"
Jack handey :P
Hard-Luck Henry
I'm going to find out more about Jack Handey, he's funny.

" I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Tommy Cooper
More handey eh? You should have been a canadain henry

"When someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, than I spin around and pin the guys arm behind his back. NOW who is asking the questions?"
Jack handey deep thoughts :P
Hard-Luck Henry

"I went to see the doctor. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

More Tommy Cooper.
Guess I will have to find out about this mister cooper henry :P

"There is nothing sadder than a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up little guy" :P
Jack handey..deep thoughts
Hard-Luck Henry

Tommy Cooper was a very visual comedian, so it's difficult to post his best stuff, but this is one of my favourites:

Picture this; he's pointing to various parts of his torso, and saying "I went to see the doctor today, and I said 'it hurts here ,oww! here, ooo! here, ouch! and here, arghh!' The doctor said ... 'You've broken your finger'"
I love the british sense of humor.

"A good way to threaten someone is to light a stick of dynamite. than you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "Thats dynamite, baby."
Jack handey---deep thoughts
When having to choose between two evils, I always like to pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
Jack handey- deep thoughts
Vanni Fucci
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
-- Jack Handey
Vanni Fucci
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
--Jack Handey
Vanni Fucci
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
-- Jack Handey
The guy is so funny...oops! fell off my chair again

"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a ***** he picked up in town."
Hard-Luck Henry
I like this guy, a lot.

'My friend told me he'd found Jesus. "Woo-hoo, we're rich," I cried. Turns out he meant something different.'
Vanni Fucci
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Vanni Fucci
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

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