I Hate Christmas LettersNov 24th, 2004
Merry Seasons Greetings from the McBagpipes!
At this special time of year... which used to be called Christmas until it was renamed ‘Season’... our thoughts turn to friends and family. We McBagpipes had a thought (We McBagpipes think all the time. We rarely do anything about it, but we think like crazy.): ‘Why not send Christmas cards this year?’ Our immediate second thought was ‘Is this going to involve effort?’. Our third thought, ‘Can we get out of this?’ and finally, our fourth thought, ‘Say, let’s make one of those trendy Christmas Letters, it will let everybody know how bright, clever, successful and hip we are here in BC at the McBagpipe residence.’ So we did and here it is and there you are:
Not to show off, but first, let us tell you about our daughter Agnes, who is the smartest girl in all British Columbia. We won’t say the whole world, because although she probably is, saying it might come across as snobbish. She is so beautiful that photographers stumble over themselves to get her to pose for them. She is so smart that she gets 110 out of 100 all the time. She works at a computer shop where she singlehandedly builds computers from random pieces of wire, chips, plastic and, occasionally, tinsel. She does, of course, have flaws ... don’t we all? Ha ha ha. As if.
Mac is doing very well, he’s still working at his high paying job at the company, and is practically running the place as usual because he is smarter and better than anybody else out there. Mac goes to the same barber as one of the owners of Flightcraft. They hobnob like old friends while getting their hair done. The owner asks Mac for advice the whole time, of course, and sometimes has to leave before his hair is completely cut just so he can act quickly on Mac’s advice.
This year, Haggis has mostly been on a sabbatical, which is the superior way of saying ‘been lazy’. When she is not being sabbatical, she is vigorously thinking about working on her health book that will, in the unlikely chance that it actually gets written, be a huge hit with the ‘in’ crowd. Rumour has it (who starts these rumours anyway!?) (oh right... well, never mind) that the Nobel Peace Prize giver-outers in Oslo are on standby, anxiously awaiting the publication of this fine book.
Health-wise, the McBagpipes have enjoyed the usual ups and downs that most families have each year. Some days it’s good. Some days it’s bad. When it’s bad we whine. We have developed our hard, sculpted bodies through a vigorous program of cycling, aerobics and flopping around watching movies - oops, I mean, participating in other vigorous activities.
Financially speaking, the McBagpipes are on the cutting edge. ‘Buy low, sell high’ is our credo as we impetuously invest in various New York real estate ventures. Sometimes Mac gets to be the bank, and sometimes I do.
The past year has been a musical year for the McBagpipes. We listened to tapes and CDs quite often. When we listen to classical music in the car we always roll down the windows and play the music loudly so people will know that we are cultured.
Our relationships are doing exceptionally well. Agnes is still our daughter and we still come to “Mum” and “Dad” when called. We are still married (to each other) and know only ongoing marital bliss. We have explored our individual and collective dysfunctionalities, although we did lose a few of them during one particularly brutal expedition.
We are still working on our state-dependent memories. What?
Spiritually speaking, we are proactive. We pretty much believe in the same thing as last year, which is, basically, ‘payday’. Recently, in a journey through self-actualization, we took one quick look inside at our souls and said, “Oh hey. Don’t go there...” We backed out and changed the subject. Now we just talk about hockey.