Age Old Question, and more


researchok
#1
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,
"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!

No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
 
researchok
#2
Common sense by the Military


A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." (Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy." (Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. (U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. (U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you. (Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. (US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. (Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. (Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. (Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways. (US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds. (Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. (US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. (David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. (Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. (Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. (Capt.Arleigh Burke)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. (Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. (Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. (Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. (David Hackworth
 
researchok
#3
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ..................the restauranteur

Guday....................the half-Australian brother

Hearsay..................the audiologist

Huray.....................the sports fanatic

Bejay......................the gay brother

Kuntay & Kintay.......the twins from the African mother

Sayhay....................the baseball player

Ojay........................the stalker / murderer

Gulay.......................the singer / entertainer

Ebay........................the internet czar

Biliray......................the country music star

Ecksray....................the radiologist

Puray.......................the blender factory owner

Regay.......................the half-Jamaican brother

Tupay.......................the one with bad hair:



Among the sisters:

Pusay........................the 'loose' 22 yr old

Lattay........................the coffee shop owner

Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister

Dushay.......................the clean sister

Phayray......................the zoo worker in the gorilla house:

Sapheway...................the grocery store owner:

Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister:
 
researchok
#4
-medical student: reads entire article but does not understand what any of it means.

-intern: uses journal as a pillow during nights on call.

-resident: would like to read article but eats dinner instead.

-chief resident: skips article entirely and reads the classifieds.

-junior attending: reads and analyzes entire article in order to pimp medical students.

-senior attending: reads abstracts and quotes the literature liberally.

-research attending: reads entire article, reanalyzes statistics and looks up all references, usually in lieu of sex.

-chief of service: reads references to see if he/she was cited anywhere.

-private attending: doesn't buy journals in the first place but keeps an eye open for medical articles that make it into Time or Newsweek.

-emeritus attending: reads entire article but does not understand what any of it means.
 
American Voice
#5
Thank you for posting those, Research. Smiles and a nice sweet mug of tea do wonders for one's post-breakfast digestion.
 
American Voice
#6
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror came over him, and slinked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet… and just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said,

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
 
researchok
#7
LOLOL

That was good!
 
peapod
#8
Why do kids always ask you, why is the sky blue? but they never ask why is the sky black at night? these are age old questions
 
researchok
#9
Because they're ASLEEP at night.

They have no idea what colour the sky is.
 
researchok
#10
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him.

He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The Medical Director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable.

The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".

David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry".

I know, I know....it's not PC.

SO WHY DID YOU LAUGH??
 
peapod
#11
Not so! sometimes the sky is black at 3 in the afternoon. At least in lumberjack country. Not to many kids in bed by 3 in the land of trees.
 

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