You're only as good as your last game, victory, as good as your last failure, your last movie review, your last election result or your last employee evaluation. Lottsa mumbo jumbo about that sorta thing.
That's not to minimize the reality of not drinking to get drunk for the past 28 years. That was my M.O. for a brief 15 year run at the bottle. Oh sure, not every day and not each and every time but the thought was there. To achieve the level of distraction, escape or pain management that a 'good drunk' had maybe given me once upon a time. Like chasing the crack high I imagine.
Of course I didn't like being hungover, shaky, paranoid, late for something, embarrassed or shamed or whatever. Who would. But maybe this time, it wouldn't happen. It could be nice and mellow, happy, care free. Nope. That's for other people, but just not me. I'm over it now. I don't feel cheated that I can't sip away or tie one on with others. I'm not missing out. I'm different is all.
Social drinking was something I rarely achieved. I sought to do it but nope.
Regardless, what lurks in my thoughts, my brain, will always be there. It just doesn't seem to burden me as much as the darker scarier days. And the shame, regret, remorse and humiliation of putting my family through another drunken episode and maybe another recovery, bothers me. Being alone is a nasty place.
I know that actions made, decisions and words spoken while drunk are always partially stored in my memory. Sure I lost a few days, the odd weekend but mostly, they are there. A player, a rounder, an actor.
It's easier to come clean and admit a 'slip' to total strangers or maybe through a spokesperson but when it comes to having to do it to those closest to you, it hurts, a lot. What will they think this time? Will there be forgiveness. Will they help enable me again. It's harder to admit you have a problem (and still have it) to those you love or those that love you.
Will it break my mom's heart, lose my family's faith in me.
It's better to try and be a good person, a better person than yesterday. Try to live without regret and imaginary expectations of others. Sounds stupid to a lot of people. But it's true.
I'm just rambling for a bit, but I'm quite sure that some of these thoughts enter the addicts mind and their quiet or chaotic thoughts regardless of their money, power or prestige.
Musicians, comedians, poets, warriors, astronauts, dirt-poor folk, cops, therapists, moms and dads, brothers and sisters. Don't matter much what you say you do or who people think you are when you're an alcoholic or someone with that personality.
I've known two people that killed themselves after becoming sober. Neither told me they were considering that option. Not that I'm special, they just never made a peep. Must have been hurting badly inside though. The immense fear, dread, humiliation, the perceived failure and hopelessness. That's a sh!tty deal. Maybe they call it depression, maybe it is. I don't know. Suicide may be painless but what leads to it ain't.
Not sure what was still bugging Robin Williams.
I sure don't have many answers. Just my experience and those shared with me by others.
Anyway, now it's 9:30 and that's almost 4 hours today. Not too bad a start.
I only started nattering about this because I wondered what could possibly be going on in the mind of a very wealthy and (once) very successful entertainer with more possessions than I'll ever have. Oh well, it turned out as it turned out and so did my ramble.