Here's how the front page of the Daily Mail may have looked in the 1600s as it reported on major invents in England that occurred in that century if it was done in a similar style to today....
Hold Ye Front Page! (Or how the Mail would have reported 17th Century events)
7th August 2007
Daily Mail
Yesterday, the Mail reported how a newly decoded diary has thrown fascinating light on the everyday life of 17th-century England. Here, DAVID THOMAS imagines how the Mail might have reported the major events of that century - and it only goes to prove things haven't changed that much.
If you can't read them, here's what each one says:
1605
Ye 5/11 Plot Failed
Local JP Thomas Knyvet was hailed as ye manne who saved ye Kinge last night, for he hath discovered yon scurvy Catholicke knave Guido Fawkes Esq. a-hidden in a cellar beneath ye House of Lords.
Tweny barrelles of gunpowder hath Fawkes hidden to explode during ye State Openyng of Parliament. Ye King's spokesman, My Lord Robert Cecil, sayeth: "Fawkes is one of many who plotteth against ye King. For a Catholicke state, led by extremyst clerics, they do conspire."
Asked if ye suspect had been tortured, My Lord Cecil replied: "Of Course. What else would we do?" Adding: "There will be fireworks when His Majestye hears about this!"
***********************
1665
A PLAGUE ON ALL OUR HOUSES
Ye streets of Londonne are empty and only ye undertaykers are out and aboute as ye death-tolle for yon mysterious contagion hath risen to a myghty 7,000 souls a week.
Health-expertes hath advised Londonners to smoke tobacco, so that ye health-givyng odours drive away ye pestilence. Yet ye deaths styll grow. Now local folke say ye rubbishe may be to blame.
"Ye gouvernmente hath cut ye bynne-collections from once a year to once every two years," sayeth one. Now ye rats and maggottes flourisheth, ye plague spreadeth and we do suffer terribly."
**************************************
1644
NOEL A NO-NO
Ye House of Commons a Bill hath approved banning all Christmas celebrations, from ye carolles, feastinge and revelrie to ye snoggynge under yon mistletoe tree.
Sayeth top Puritan Oliver Cromwell: "All such evidence pagan ceremonies are an atrocious insult in ye face of God.
And we hath need to consider ye healthe and safetye, besides. Too much gluttony of goose and plum puddynge doth add inches to ye waistes and put strain upon ye poor heart.#
And who can denieth ye realle risk of injurie while pullynge crackers, or wearinge ye silly hats?"
Yet top Royalists scoffed: "Ye King doth support ye great English Christmas. He doth fight for your right to partye!"
*************************
1606
JOCKS HAIL UNION JACK
His Majesyte King James of England and Scotland hath decreed ye creation of a flag, that symboliseth ye comynge together of two great nations.
Ye flag, known as Ye Union Jacques, displayeth ye English Crosse of St George and Ye Scottish Saltire (Crosse of St Andrew).
Campaigners in Scotland agree that ye flag is good news: "For too long we have been cut off from ye centre of power," sayeth one. "Now we will surely cease from complaining and blaming ye English for our troubles."
But ye English hath much more skeptical been. As one remarketh: "Yon flag looks even worse than ye logo for ye capital's 1612 Londonne Olympickes."
****************************
1666
CLIMATE BLAMED AS LONDON BLAZES
As ye capital is consumed by ye most devastating fyre since records began, ye keeper of ye envyronmentio hath claimed ye man-made warmynge of ye planet may be responsible.
Sayeth one Green: "Ye planet is gettyng hotter. Soon ye Thames will no longer freeze over in ye wynter. And ye heat is creating dangerously dry conditions in which even a spark in a baker's shoppe can cause yon mighty conflagration."
But sceptics counter that ye main problem hath been ye failings in ye under-payed and under-staffed fyre-fightynge service, saying: "Where was ye Mayor when ye Cittye was ablaze?"
*******************************
1670
ASYLUM CRISIS DEEPENS AS PILGRIMS SAIL
Ye Gouvernmente was accused of losing control of ye borders last night as ye emigration numbers soared. "Perchance 100 asylum-seekyng pilgrims hath departed for ye new worlde, perchance 120,"sayeth ye oppositionne spokesman.
"Ye gouvernmente hath lost count of ye people leaving for ye colonies. Sune there will be no-one left here."
But a spokesman for ye King's ministers retorted: "We have ye situationne under controle. Truly 120 pilgrims hath set sail from Southamptowne to ye Cape Cod. Yet only a fule believes ye American colonies can prosper. Soon they returneth. Marketh my wordes."
**********************************
1670
ACTRESS GIVES BIRTH TO KING'S SON
Ten years ago Nell Gwynn was just ye daughter of a bawdy-house keeper, sellynge oranges in ye streetes of Covent Gardyn.
Now yon busty beauty is ye most famous actress in ye land and ye favoured mystresse of ye King of England.
Last night, Mistress Gwynn hath been delivered of a beautiful babye boy, whom she hath named Charles. Ye baby is ye seventh bastard son of His Majestye, King Charles II, by five mistresses.
Miss Nell Gwynn hath already sygned a staggeryge thousand-sovereign deal for her hotly-awaited autobiographie.
And hath been offered mounds and mounds of gold, diamond and rubyes by ye All-Hail! magazine for ye official oil painting of her and babye Charles.
****************************
1682
COMET BLAZES HEAVENLY TRAILE
Ye Astronomer Royal, Edmund Hallet Esq., hath claimed that ye fiery light in ye sky, visible over ye whole countrie, hath been caused by a comet, that returneth every seventie-six years.
"Verily I tell you," quoth Mr Halley, "that yon very same comet hath hath been seen on ye eve of ye Battle of Hastynges in 1066."
A reporter hath remarked: Then we shall call it ye Comet of Hastynges, bigod!"
But ye Astronomer was not impressed. "No," he insisteth. "Halley's comet will do just nicely."
dailymail.co.uk
Hold Ye Front Page! (Or how the Mail would have reported 17th Century events)
7th August 2007
Daily Mail
Yesterday, the Mail reported how a newly decoded diary has thrown fascinating light on the everyday life of 17th-century England. Here, DAVID THOMAS imagines how the Mail might have reported the major events of that century - and it only goes to prove things haven't changed that much.
If you can't read them, here's what each one says:
1605
Ye 5/11 Plot Failed
Local JP Thomas Knyvet was hailed as ye manne who saved ye Kinge last night, for he hath discovered yon scurvy Catholicke knave Guido Fawkes Esq. a-hidden in a cellar beneath ye House of Lords.
Tweny barrelles of gunpowder hath Fawkes hidden to explode during ye State Openyng of Parliament. Ye King's spokesman, My Lord Robert Cecil, sayeth: "Fawkes is one of many who plotteth against ye King. For a Catholicke state, led by extremyst clerics, they do conspire."
Asked if ye suspect had been tortured, My Lord Cecil replied: "Of Course. What else would we do?" Adding: "There will be fireworks when His Majestye hears about this!"
***********************
1665
A PLAGUE ON ALL OUR HOUSES
Ye streets of Londonne are empty and only ye undertaykers are out and aboute as ye death-tolle for yon mysterious contagion hath risen to a myghty 7,000 souls a week.
Health-expertes hath advised Londonners to smoke tobacco, so that ye health-givyng odours drive away ye pestilence. Yet ye deaths styll grow. Now local folke say ye rubbishe may be to blame.
"Ye gouvernmente hath cut ye bynne-collections from once a year to once every two years," sayeth one. Now ye rats and maggottes flourisheth, ye plague spreadeth and we do suffer terribly."
**************************************
1644
NOEL A NO-NO
Ye House of Commons a Bill hath approved banning all Christmas celebrations, from ye carolles, feastinge and revelrie to ye snoggynge under yon mistletoe tree.
Sayeth top Puritan Oliver Cromwell: "All such evidence pagan ceremonies are an atrocious insult in ye face of God.
And we hath need to consider ye healthe and safetye, besides. Too much gluttony of goose and plum puddynge doth add inches to ye waistes and put strain upon ye poor heart.#
And who can denieth ye realle risk of injurie while pullynge crackers, or wearinge ye silly hats?"
Yet top Royalists scoffed: "Ye King doth support ye great English Christmas. He doth fight for your right to partye!"
*************************
1606
JOCKS HAIL UNION JACK
His Majesyte King James of England and Scotland hath decreed ye creation of a flag, that symboliseth ye comynge together of two great nations.
Ye flag, known as Ye Union Jacques, displayeth ye English Crosse of St George and Ye Scottish Saltire (Crosse of St Andrew).
Campaigners in Scotland agree that ye flag is good news: "For too long we have been cut off from ye centre of power," sayeth one. "Now we will surely cease from complaining and blaming ye English for our troubles."
But ye English hath much more skeptical been. As one remarketh: "Yon flag looks even worse than ye logo for ye capital's 1612 Londonne Olympickes."
****************************
1666
CLIMATE BLAMED AS LONDON BLAZES
As ye capital is consumed by ye most devastating fyre since records began, ye keeper of ye envyronmentio hath claimed ye man-made warmynge of ye planet may be responsible.
Sayeth one Green: "Ye planet is gettyng hotter. Soon ye Thames will no longer freeze over in ye wynter. And ye heat is creating dangerously dry conditions in which even a spark in a baker's shoppe can cause yon mighty conflagration."
But sceptics counter that ye main problem hath been ye failings in ye under-payed and under-staffed fyre-fightynge service, saying: "Where was ye Mayor when ye Cittye was ablaze?"
*******************************
1670
ASYLUM CRISIS DEEPENS AS PILGRIMS SAIL
Ye Gouvernmente was accused of losing control of ye borders last night as ye emigration numbers soared. "Perchance 100 asylum-seekyng pilgrims hath departed for ye new worlde, perchance 120,"sayeth ye oppositionne spokesman.
"Ye gouvernmente hath lost count of ye people leaving for ye colonies. Sune there will be no-one left here."
But a spokesman for ye King's ministers retorted: "We have ye situationne under controle. Truly 120 pilgrims hath set sail from Southamptowne to ye Cape Cod. Yet only a fule believes ye American colonies can prosper. Soon they returneth. Marketh my wordes."
**********************************
1670
ACTRESS GIVES BIRTH TO KING'S SON
Ten years ago Nell Gwynn was just ye daughter of a bawdy-house keeper, sellynge oranges in ye streetes of Covent Gardyn.
Now yon busty beauty is ye most famous actress in ye land and ye favoured mystresse of ye King of England.
Last night, Mistress Gwynn hath been delivered of a beautiful babye boy, whom she hath named Charles. Ye baby is ye seventh bastard son of His Majestye, King Charles II, by five mistresses.
Miss Nell Gwynn hath already sygned a staggeryge thousand-sovereign deal for her hotly-awaited autobiographie.
And hath been offered mounds and mounds of gold, diamond and rubyes by ye All-Hail! magazine for ye official oil painting of her and babye Charles.
****************************
1682
COMET BLAZES HEAVENLY TRAILE
Ye Astronomer Royal, Edmund Hallet Esq., hath claimed that ye fiery light in ye sky, visible over ye whole countrie, hath been caused by a comet, that returneth every seventie-six years.
"Verily I tell you," quoth Mr Halley, "that yon very same comet hath hath been seen on ye eve of ye Battle of Hastynges in 1066."
A reporter hath remarked: Then we shall call it ye Comet of Hastynges, bigod!"
But ye Astronomer was not impressed. "No," he insisteth. "Halley's comet will do just nicely."
dailymail.co.uk
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