Toronto Star[/i],]Previously, on Parliament Hill:
Stephen Harper: So, David, even though you were just elected as a Liberal, do you think you'd be interested in turning Conservative if I gave you a cabinet seat, even if voters in your Vancouver-Kingsway riding see it as a total betrayal of their wishes?
David Emerson: Would I? (giggles with excitement) Are you kidding? That sounds so cool! Would I get a driver?
Then....
Harper's communications chief: (cowering) Uh, Mr. Prime Minister, the constituents of Vancouver-Kingsway are hungry for political justice.
Harper: (scowling) Let them eat Nanaimo bars. And by the way, you're fired.
And then....
Harper's new communications chief: Uh, Mr. Prime Minister, there's been another development on the Emerson front. The ethics commissioner, Bernard Shapiro, is launching an investigation.
Harper: Oh really? Well, we'll just see about that. (Prime Minister reaches up to twirl the end of a Snidely Whiplash-type moustache, but then, realizing he does not have one, lowers his hand)
New communications chief: Shall I stall? Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier? What do you want me to do?
Harper: I'm thinking. And while I'm doing that, clean out your desk. You're fired.
Okay, that's our recap. Where does the story go from here? Well, if I were writing this stuff, I know what I'd have happen next.
Bernard Shapiro: Can someone get the phone? Oh, never mind, I'll get it myself. Hello?
Harper: Is this Mr. Shapiro, the ethics commissioner?
Shapiro: Yes it is. Who is this?
Harper: It's the Prime Minister.
Shapiro: (sharp intake of breath) Ah! So, you've finally decided to co-operate! It was starting to look bad, you refusing to assist me in my investigation, refusing to take any of my calls. It's a good thing you've come to your senses.
Harper: Well, that's not exactly why I've called, Bernie. May I call you Bernie?
Shapiro: I...I suppose so.
Harper: I was wondering, have you ever considered a career in politics?
Shapiro: Excuse me?
Harper: You just seem to have the right stuff, you know what I mean? And I'm not talking some do-nothing backbench job. I'm thinking of a cabinet position. Of course, I might have to appoint you to the Senate first, but that's a mere formality. The important thing is, finding a role for someone as talented as yourself, that's what matters.
Shapiro: Gosh, I guess I never thought of it before. You really think I'd be a terrific cabinet minister?
Harper: I've no doubt.
Shapiro: But...if I joined your cabinet, who would be the ethics commissioner, and who would investigate the David Emerson affair?
Harper: Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. Let's focus on one thing at a time here, okay?
Anyway, that's all I have so far, but I think it's the only way this thing can play out, unless, of course, Harper just fires him.
In other news, the Prime Minister has bought one of Margaret Atwood's remote autographing machines.
Maybe you've seen this thing. It lets Atwood go through the motions of signing a book at home, say, but hundreds, perhaps thousands, of miles away, a machine holds a pen over a book — presumably one of Atwood's, since having her sign a Stephen King book would be sort of dorky — and reproduces her signature.
What's different with Harper is, he uses it to sign documents, and the people he's signing them for are in the next room, not thousands of miles away.
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