Non-Canadians will be mystified by this, but true Canadians will be cheering!
(For all you Non-Canadians, I offer my condolences. Life's a B**ch.)
I also offer an explanation: The Rhinoscerous Party was a protest party in Canada, made up of every joker that could be found. They constantly ridiculed party platforms, made up silly ones of their own, and generally made elections interesting. When they began to win significant numbers of votes, the "serious" parties became worried, and passed laws essentially killing the party. But they're coming Back!
To show that they're aware of the issues of the day, and what needs to be done, they're making the following predictions. After these come true, you'll hear from them again! (Just a Warning.)
Prediction #1.
Paul Martin will make a decision in 2005, his first in 10 years since he last decided to go to the bathroom. Hordes of ambulances will rush to the political epicentre of Ottawa to care for Martin's Earnscliffe advisers and the Parliamentary Press Gallery, all of whom will be described as "in deep shock". Until someone notices that the date is April 1st, and a lynching party is formed to seek out Jean Chretien, widely-regarded as the most likely perpetrator of this cruel hoax.
Prediction #2.
Shortly after Dalton McGuinty makes his 1,000th television and radio appearance, to explain his 1,001st lie (oops, broken promise), Ontarians complete a successful fund-raising to buy him and his non-taxing Finance Minister, Greg Sorbara, an one-way ticket to Oblivion. In accordance with usual practices at Air Canada, their luggage will be sent to Near-Oblivion instead, just a short 10,000 miles away. Wylie Coyote will be appointed interim premier, until voters have a real opportunity to get rid of Dalton and company, once and for all.
Prediction #3.
Artificial Intelligence will be discovered in Ottawa, thus confirming the suspicion that there are no human life forms in the nation's capital.
Prediction #4.
Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, will come clean and admit that he was just trying to gouge the last cent out of the rest of Canada in the latest round of Equalization talks. 'It was a joke, you know, about my province becoming self-sufficient and not requiring equalization payments eventually", he bantered. Besides, he continued, "the Canadian flags in government buildings were really dirty and needed a cleaning ... that's why I had them taken down". Williams will also announce a strategic alliance with Foghorn Leghorn, the comical blowhard cartoon character.
Prediction #5.
The Governor General of Canada, Adrienne Clarkson, will announce that, in 2005, she will limit her travels to only accompanying the Prime Minister on trips to foreign lands ... warm in winter, cool in summer. GG watchers estimate that she will be out of Canada for the whole year.
Prediction # 6.
Liberal campaign intelligencia and co-chair David Herle, widely regarded for his feat of snatching near-defeat from the jaws of victory, will be made a Member of the Order of Canada. "There's some things that money, specifically your money, can't buy", he will say, as he accepts the award on behalf of all overpaid and unsuccessful political hacks, everywhere.
Prediction #7.
Nortel will merge with The Liberal Party of Canada, The Liberal Party of Ontario, Bombardier, Earnscliffe, and the Canadian government. Canadians will benefit by having true "one-stop shopping" to get their fill of lies, democratic deficits, shady financials, or lobbyists. Their new chairman is rumoured to be Porky Pig, of "that's all, folks" fame.
"Pork" being the operative word, of course....
Prediction #8.
Alberta and Ontario will make a hostile takeover bid for the rest of Canada. "It's about the same cost as we both pay now into the Equalization fund", Ralph Klein, a spokesman for the two provinces will say "and besides, we've always wanted a reason to piss off Danny Williams". It is widely believed that the new company will adopt a new flag of a white dove on a white background, "one of the truly awesome platforms of the Rhino Party", quipped Wylie Coyote, interim premier of Ontario.
Prediction #9.
With Global Warming now in Runaway mode, Quebec, concerned about a takeover bid by Alberta and Ontario, will counter with a bid for the United States whose currency at this point will be worthless. Jean Charest will announce that "those clever Anglos aren't the only smart Canadians, I mean sovereignists, who can steal from the Rhino Party's platforms ... I'm taking this bold step to annex the United States so that we can quickly lower the average temperature of the great Republic of Quebec and the Hinterlands". Charest will also announce massive government support for hydroponic growing of watermelons, to take advantage of the new temperate climate of his province, and of hot air swirling around Quebec City.
Prediction #10.
Normal Canadians of every political and demographic persuasion will gain added support for their conviction that all politicians are useless, lying, scheming and, particularly, devoid of an ounce of common sense. They will be right.
And they'll be ready for the Rhinos!
(For all you Non-Canadians, I offer my condolences. Life's a B**ch.)
I also offer an explanation: The Rhinoscerous Party was a protest party in Canada, made up of every joker that could be found. They constantly ridiculed party platforms, made up silly ones of their own, and generally made elections interesting. When they began to win significant numbers of votes, the "serious" parties became worried, and passed laws essentially killing the party. But they're coming Back!
To show that they're aware of the issues of the day, and what needs to be done, they're making the following predictions. After these come true, you'll hear from them again! (Just a Warning.)
Prediction #1.
Paul Martin will make a decision in 2005, his first in 10 years since he last decided to go to the bathroom. Hordes of ambulances will rush to the political epicentre of Ottawa to care for Martin's Earnscliffe advisers and the Parliamentary Press Gallery, all of whom will be described as "in deep shock". Until someone notices that the date is April 1st, and a lynching party is formed to seek out Jean Chretien, widely-regarded as the most likely perpetrator of this cruel hoax.
Prediction #2.
Shortly after Dalton McGuinty makes his 1,000th television and radio appearance, to explain his 1,001st lie (oops, broken promise), Ontarians complete a successful fund-raising to buy him and his non-taxing Finance Minister, Greg Sorbara, an one-way ticket to Oblivion. In accordance with usual practices at Air Canada, their luggage will be sent to Near-Oblivion instead, just a short 10,000 miles away. Wylie Coyote will be appointed interim premier, until voters have a real opportunity to get rid of Dalton and company, once and for all.
Prediction #3.
Artificial Intelligence will be discovered in Ottawa, thus confirming the suspicion that there are no human life forms in the nation's capital.
Prediction #4.
Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, will come clean and admit that he was just trying to gouge the last cent out of the rest of Canada in the latest round of Equalization talks. 'It was a joke, you know, about my province becoming self-sufficient and not requiring equalization payments eventually", he bantered. Besides, he continued, "the Canadian flags in government buildings were really dirty and needed a cleaning ... that's why I had them taken down". Williams will also announce a strategic alliance with Foghorn Leghorn, the comical blowhard cartoon character.
Prediction #5.
The Governor General of Canada, Adrienne Clarkson, will announce that, in 2005, she will limit her travels to only accompanying the Prime Minister on trips to foreign lands ... warm in winter, cool in summer. GG watchers estimate that she will be out of Canada for the whole year.
Prediction # 6.
Liberal campaign intelligencia and co-chair David Herle, widely regarded for his feat of snatching near-defeat from the jaws of victory, will be made a Member of the Order of Canada. "There's some things that money, specifically your money, can't buy", he will say, as he accepts the award on behalf of all overpaid and unsuccessful political hacks, everywhere.
Prediction #7.
Nortel will merge with The Liberal Party of Canada, The Liberal Party of Ontario, Bombardier, Earnscliffe, and the Canadian government. Canadians will benefit by having true "one-stop shopping" to get their fill of lies, democratic deficits, shady financials, or lobbyists. Their new chairman is rumoured to be Porky Pig, of "that's all, folks" fame.
"Pork" being the operative word, of course....
Prediction #8.
Alberta and Ontario will make a hostile takeover bid for the rest of Canada. "It's about the same cost as we both pay now into the Equalization fund", Ralph Klein, a spokesman for the two provinces will say "and besides, we've always wanted a reason to piss off Danny Williams". It is widely believed that the new company will adopt a new flag of a white dove on a white background, "one of the truly awesome platforms of the Rhino Party", quipped Wylie Coyote, interim premier of Ontario.
Prediction #9.
With Global Warming now in Runaway mode, Quebec, concerned about a takeover bid by Alberta and Ontario, will counter with a bid for the United States whose currency at this point will be worthless. Jean Charest will announce that "those clever Anglos aren't the only smart Canadians, I mean sovereignists, who can steal from the Rhino Party's platforms ... I'm taking this bold step to annex the United States so that we can quickly lower the average temperature of the great Republic of Quebec and the Hinterlands". Charest will also announce massive government support for hydroponic growing of watermelons, to take advantage of the new temperate climate of his province, and of hot air swirling around Quebec City.
Prediction #10.
Normal Canadians of every political and demographic persuasion will gain added support for their conviction that all politicians are useless, lying, scheming and, particularly, devoid of an ounce of common sense. They will be right.
And they'll be ready for the Rhinos!
