Ukee's

[peapod]

hehehhe...gots to love those ukee's otherwise known as islanders that live up in ucluelet....I love their newspaper, the ukee tattler, lots of good bits in there about ukee's, or as the ukee's say, news to hot :angryfire: for regular media They gots a really good new addition to dat paper 8)

My fellow Uclueless! For too long the Newfies have had the national corner on stupid jokes. The Tattler says NO MORE! We're as dumb as they are. We've got a fished-out ocean and a croaked economy, just like them. We got the shaft from the Feds just as good as they did.
It's time for us to reclaim our birthright as the bumbling screw-ups from the other coast. In this spirit the Tattler presents the ...




**** OFFICIAL "UKEE JOKE" PAGE ****

The price of accommodation

A Uclutian and his wife drive to Tofino, to treat themselves to a romantic night at an exclusive beachfront resort.

Everything goes nicely until they check out the next morning, when the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Uclutian goes through the roof. "Outrageous!" he exclaims. "We could get something just as nice in Ukee for a third the price."

The clerk insists that $350 is the standard Tofino rate, so the Uke demands to see the manager. The manager listens to the Uke’s complaints and explains that the hotel has a large, heated pool and a conference center that were there for the Uke and wife to use.

"But we never left our room all night!" says the Uke, with a nudge and a wink.

The manager tells him about the round-the-clock room service available for his pleasure. "We didn't use it," replies the Uke. He mentions the exercise facility and the steam room. "Never used 'em," says the Uke. The cable TV with free movies, the mohair towels, the magic-fingers bed, and the ensuite jacuzzi? "Didn't touch 'em."

"Well, I'm sorry, sir," says the manager, unmoved. "Those facilities were included in the charge, and you could have used them. I'm afraid you'll have to pay."

The Uclutian shrugs, writes out a cheque and hands it to the manager, who looks up in surprise and says, "Pardon me, sir, this cheque is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the Uke. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"I did nothing of the sort!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the Uclutian replies, "she was here, and you could have!"

 

[peapod]

You know you live in Ukee when ...
You have a matching set of salad bowls that say Co-op Coolwhip on the side.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You think of a chainsaw as a musical instrument.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your baby's first words are "Attention, Co-op shoppers ..."
Your home is more mobile than the three vehicles parked in front of it.
The biggest city you've been to in years is Costco.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ain't that the truth :lol:

 

[peapod]

How many Uclutians does it take to gut a salmon?

Twenty-eight. One to catch the fish, one to handle the knife, and 26 to negotiate with the government for the privilege.
And this isn't funny
8O

I better be careful, I don't want those ukee's coming after me...tough bunch they be :wink:

 

[beaver]

All kidding aside I had one of the nicest receptions I had all swim in Ukee and... I will go on record; once you really know Ukee you will be throwing rocks at Tofino

One of the Islands hidden treasures and converse to Tofino where everyone is pulling the town in different directions Ukee want only to move forward

 

[peapod]

hehehehhe You gotta love those ukee's...hot of the ukee press :lol:


Don't pay the ransom!

We know you've been wondering. We know you've been losing sleep. We know you can't function worth a rat's ass at work (assuming you're one of the five percent who have work) until you find out where the Ukee Tattler has gone for the past six months.

Here's the short version: Due to an internal security leak, certain members of the infamous Tofino Official Karmic Echelon (TOKE) managed to learn the location of the Tattler's top secret editorial office. Consumed with jealousy because Toff-town doesn't have their own hi-tek, tell-it-like-it-is cyber-rag, these hardboiled mercenaries finally hatched a plot last January to kidnap the entire editorial staff of this fine publication.

In a smooth operation greased by years of experience coordinating logging protests, nearly a dozen staff writers, editors, researchers, groupies, and hangers-on were spirited away by Volkswagon van late one night. They were held in a charming, expensive cabin in the woods outside of Tofino and subjected to a gruelling regimen of gourmet vegetarian food, drumming circles, holistic therapy, and Swedish massage that left most of the bunch mellow and contented.

Only the fashion editor managed to retain any scraps of the Uclutian bitterness and angst that once united the group. By organizing clandestine bitch sessions she eventually managed to return the rest to their unreflecting, unemployed-blue-collar senses. Escape was then easily effected by the usual Tofino dynamic, namely waiting for TOKE to dissolve into squabbling splinter groups unable to agree on the time of day, never mind coordinate a complex kidnap/publishing venture. When the infighting reached fever pitch the victims simply walked out to the highway and hitched a ride to Ukee in the back of a gut truck.

Intensive therapy has restored most to their senses, though alert human resources workers will be on the lookout for contented sighs and meaningful introspection for several weeks yet. The reinstated Tattlers did breathe a collective sigh of relief on one point, however: Doing time at the dippy end of the peninsula convinced them that life there has moved far beyond the reach of mere satire. Being back in Ukee should make their jobs a whole lot easier!

 

[peapod]

I love dat ukee tattler 8) its the best paper on the west coast of dis island...hot off the ukee tattler :lol: :lol: :lol:

Genes blamed in speech impediment

University of Victoria geneticists are searching for a genetic mutation that causes a speech defect peculiar to the Ukee area. If found, they may have a vital clue in their quest for a cure to other speech impediments such as stuttering.
Intensive long-term education efforts have repeatedly failed to correct the phenomenon, wherein the town’s name is mispronounced U-cue-let by approximately 70 percent of the town’s inhabitants, despite being clearly spelled U-clue-let. The only other place on earth with such a high occurrence of mispronunciation is the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyn- gyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, although scientists suspect there may be other reasons for the problem in that case.

The mutation theory is not the only one being investigated. Several teams are looking at other causes, such as viral contamination of the Lucky Lager brewing vats, radiation from the Coast Guard radar installation on Mount Ozzard, and repeated exposure to the band Wünderbread, all of which could adversely affect the brain’s speech centres.

Remember! you heard it first from the ukee tattler 8)

 

[peapod]

"Ukee want only to move forward" :lol: :lol: Thats funny mr. beaver, Did you do any nippin with the ukee's these towns folk know how to party 8O ....more news from the ukee press

'Trust' me, baby...

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and one fine illustration is the number of guises welfare comes in, here on the coast. Statistics Canada computers have repeatedly crashed trying to keep track of the number of organizations, purportedly set up to help ordinary working folk, which end up benefiting mainly the white-collar administrators parachuted in to staff the program.
Yet another twist on the theme came to light this month as the Clayoquot Biosphere Trust cranked up its "public direction process," an exhausting gauntlet of meetings chiefly attended by people who have made careers out of managing other peoples' lives.

It thus comes as small surprise that the Trust's developing mandate — a paper trail that already makes Highway 4 look like an squirrel path — seems to be shaping up as research, research, and more research.

Asked for his reaction, Billy M., a longtime unemployed First Nations member living in a crude shack on the shores of Barkley Sound, said, "If they'd search right the first time, maybe they wouldn't have to re-search so much."

His clueless commentary echoes widespread feeling in the Ucluelet area that the Biosphere initiative is being driven by Tofino's burgeoning professional population, of which the science and consulting sectors are a significant segment. Fears are that the Trust will end up "helping" residents at this end of the peninsula by selecting them (in the harshest Darwinian sense) for "helpability." Which means, in this case, "able and willing to participate in the research/management cult."

The potential wrench in this scheme is First Nations, whose full cooperation the Trust needs for PR purposes. Anyone who has tried to organize First Nations events will know how notoriously resistant they are to 21st- century management methods. They've been here for five thousand years, so they figure there's probably no need to rush through the next two. The interesting question is whether they'll be sucked into the new-economy timeline as inexorably as their hapless Uclutian neighbours.

Not all the reports are filed yet — not by a long shot — but in this commentator's view at least, the Trust is shaping up to be another government-sanctioned plum in which educated, well-off white people give money to other educated, well-off white people, and feel good about it. Tell them down at the EI office that you read it first in the Tattler!

 

[peapod]

hehehehe...hot off the ukee press, heya important maybe you know something bout dis


Cult fans
local discontent

An ongoing study by West Coast Wiccan priestess/ researcher Lara Lilyfield Lox may shed light on the inexplicably contentious behaviour of Tofutians. Using an "antichrist sensor" adapted from equipment employed by the U.S. military to identify Axis of Evil members, Lox has established that Tofino may be under the influence of a secretive, devil-worshipping cult.

Unbeknownst to local residents, Lox claims, the organizers of this cult have been sending out "electro-karmic" rays that disrupt the mental equilibrium of all who venture within district limits. The full effects of these waves are unknown, but scientists believe they scramble brain processes, causing listeners to misunderstand what speakers are saying.

The rays may even "transmute" what the listener hears into exactly the opposite of what the speaker intended. "That would go a long way toward explaining the politics in this schizoid burg," Lox said. (Or maybe she said the opposite.)

The headquarters of the cult has yet to be located. The Tattler, however, has obtained a report claiming that investigators are focussing closely on the Tofino Satanical Gardens.

The report suggests that beneath its wholesome, eco-friendly exterior may lie a seething pit of twisted belief and sordid ritual. Investigators point to clues such as the Satanical Garden's charismatic, self-proclaimed "Supreme Dictator," the plethora of winding paths (a metaphor for "losing one's way") and the variety of theme gardens planted on the site, which may symbolize the confusion of choice and thus a degeneration into moral relativism.

If true, Lox's hypothesis could lead to the surprising conclusion that Tofermites have in fact been agreeing with each other for over ten years, and that their incessant, ongoing squabbles have been simple figments of their imaginations brought on by the rays.

In a related study commissioned by the Clayoquot Biosphere Trust, six unemployed local PhDs are looking into the implications of the matter, along with the long-term sustainability of existential angst in the Biosphere Reserve region.

Down the road, a spokeswoman for Ucluelet's Church of the High Developer commented, "We never know what the heck they're talking about up there. We just nod and say 'uh-huh' a lot."




.

 

[Twila]

the town’s name is mispronounced U-cue-let by approximately 70 percent of the town’s inhabitants, despite being clearly spelled U-clue-let. The only other place on earth with such a high occurrence of mispronunciation is the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyn- gyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

They mustn't have done very detailed research cause if they had they'd realize that 90% of the lower mainland pronounces the Pattullo bridge as Poe-tell-a. There is also the phenomenon of Vancouverites calling Surrey,,,,Slurrey.

 

[peapod]

must be a coastal thing eh twinks Gawd! I loves the ukee tattler... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Now here is the story on the Rhodo protest...and I gots a pic that I will try and figure out how to post....see if you can spot me cousin...in amongst the protesters 8) that guy will protest anything tho

Fraser Day protest stuns village


Fed up with the longtime municipal obsession with rhododendrons, hundreds of local residents took to the streets May 24 to declare "War on Rhodos."

While half the town was busy celebrating various Fraser Day events, the other half was massing at the municipal office to demand an end to rhodomania. Speeches decried the ubiquity of the introduced species, calling for modifications to the municipal "beautification" program. Some went so far as to advocate community vigilante groups, charged with uprooting and chipping the plants.

Others called it "pathetic" that the town makes such a fuss over George Fraser, the pioneer horticulturist who started the local fascination with rhodos. "Have we got so little to celebrate that we have to make a fuss over one second-rate green thumb with nothing better to do than perform twisted genetic experiments on innocent plants?" read one closely-lettered sign.
"Enough with the friggin' rhodos, already," said one masked protester, who would not give her name.
"Nothing eats them, not bugs, not rabbits, not even deer," warned another. "They're indestructible!"
"They look okay for two weeks a year," cried a picketer. "The rest of the time, they're just shrubs. Why not plant some salal? At least that's supposed to be here."

Bumper stickers (right) hostile to the rhodo cause have been appearing around town, sparking a protective backlash from rhodo-lovers. When rhodo aficionados got wind of the Fraser Day protest, several dozen headed downtown to confront the protestors in an exchange of rude name-calling. The incident was defused with some difficulty by the recently stripped-down local constabulary.

In a bizarre flashback to the nineties, the town has apparently split into two opposing camps: the "greens," who are calling for control or full elimination of the species, versus the "greens," who advocate extensive planting and an area-wide ban on rhodo harvesting.

So far, there is no clear majority to drive public policy. Municipal council has asked the provincial government to study the issue and intervene with a land use decision.

 

[peapod]