Previously aired October 2014.
"As It Happened", from our CBC Vancouver studio.
No one remembered because of the nasty business with Ghomeshi.
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Murphy: Welcome to "As It Happened" Miss Simmons. You've been practicing - I believe that you call it "Clavicle Art" - on people here on the BC coast? How does it work, and is it painless?
Miss Simmons: Thanks for inviting me, Murph. Well, clavicle or bone art was first performed by native bands of Canada's west coast to promote spiritual healing. The tribal healers would surprise and restrain an unsuspecting person, and tattoo or carve strange symbols into their clavicles, shoulder blades, etc. Sometimes, they would even remove whole bones.
Murphy: I see. It must have been very painful! I think you brought some today to show us.
Miss Simmons: Oh yes! It was extremely painful. Many would pass out because of it. But you have to remember Murph, that these people didn't have CBC radio or television back then...
Murphy: Quite true. So you're saying that perhaps if they DID have CBC radio, there would have been less, shall we say, "body whittling?"
Miss Simmons: No, I just think that if they had CBC radio or television, with it's very dull and mind numbing programming, they wouldn't have noticed the pain.
Murph: I see. You brought along some bones for us to see. Could you describe what we're looking at, for our radio listeners?
Miss Simmons: Certainly. It's a human clavicle made into a whistle. Could I just return for a moment and finish up about CBC radio? There might have been less pain, had it been available. A strong argument can be made about the anesthetic qualities of CBC radio. That would have lead to less blood and screaming. And inevitably, fewer dismembered body parts lying around making messes and smelling up the place.
Murphy: Indeed. And this was the reason that you were invited on As It Happened today. Tell me, did anyone die from this in the olden days?
Miss Simmons: Oh, good lord, yes! The fatality rate ran close to 90 percent.
Murphy: So, why did they do it?
Miss Simmons: Boredom mostly. That, and they didn't know anything about sanitary conditions. What do you do with yourself on a weekend or tribal holiday? That's why I do it today. Except for a clean area, everything is done exactly the same as in the days of yore. The blood, screaming, painful moaning and tortured rambling are encouraged.
Nothing's changed...Well, one thing has. No aboriginals would ever consent to me doing it to them. It's only white tourists. People who are still struggling with the emotional trauma. You know, the shame of their forefathers. The native persecution. Stealing land. Wiping out the buffalo, etc. It's that wonderful, guilt ridden, shame and blame thing white folks feel that keeps the cash flowing!
Murphy: That makes sense I suppose. Thank you for joining us in our Vancouver studio today, Miss Simmons.
Next, hippie catapulting in Nanaimo. Is this sport going to be banned by city council? Find out tomorrow how they're filling in Nanaimo Harbour...
"As It Happened", from our CBC Vancouver studio.
No one remembered because of the nasty business with Ghomeshi.
---
Murphy: Welcome to "As It Happened" Miss Simmons. You've been practicing - I believe that you call it "Clavicle Art" - on people here on the BC coast? How does it work, and is it painless?
Miss Simmons: Thanks for inviting me, Murph. Well, clavicle or bone art was first performed by native bands of Canada's west coast to promote spiritual healing. The tribal healers would surprise and restrain an unsuspecting person, and tattoo or carve strange symbols into their clavicles, shoulder blades, etc. Sometimes, they would even remove whole bones.
Murphy: I see. It must have been very painful! I think you brought some today to show us.
Miss Simmons: Oh yes! It was extremely painful. Many would pass out because of it. But you have to remember Murph, that these people didn't have CBC radio or television back then...
Murphy: Quite true. So you're saying that perhaps if they DID have CBC radio, there would have been less, shall we say, "body whittling?"
Miss Simmons: No, I just think that if they had CBC radio or television, with it's very dull and mind numbing programming, they wouldn't have noticed the pain.
Murph: I see. You brought along some bones for us to see. Could you describe what we're looking at, for our radio listeners?
Miss Simmons: Certainly. It's a human clavicle made into a whistle. Could I just return for a moment and finish up about CBC radio? There might have been less pain, had it been available. A strong argument can be made about the anesthetic qualities of CBC radio. That would have lead to less blood and screaming. And inevitably, fewer dismembered body parts lying around making messes and smelling up the place.
Murphy: Indeed. And this was the reason that you were invited on As It Happened today. Tell me, did anyone die from this in the olden days?
Miss Simmons: Oh, good lord, yes! The fatality rate ran close to 90 percent.
Murphy: So, why did they do it?
Miss Simmons: Boredom mostly. That, and they didn't know anything about sanitary conditions. What do you do with yourself on a weekend or tribal holiday? That's why I do it today. Except for a clean area, everything is done exactly the same as in the days of yore. The blood, screaming, painful moaning and tortured rambling are encouraged.
Nothing's changed...Well, one thing has. No aboriginals would ever consent to me doing it to them. It's only white tourists. People who are still struggling with the emotional trauma. You know, the shame of their forefathers. The native persecution. Stealing land. Wiping out the buffalo, etc. It's that wonderful, guilt ridden, shame and blame thing white folks feel that keeps the cash flowing!
Murphy: That makes sense I suppose. Thank you for joining us in our Vancouver studio today, Miss Simmons.
Next, hippie catapulting in Nanaimo. Is this sport going to be banned by city council? Find out tomorrow how they're filling in Nanaimo Harbour...
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