I Hate Ice Cream -

Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
The Nugget Community News

Access for all is a cornerstone of The Nugget's founder, J. Suggs Biffy. It has guided our editorial policy since 1891. In keeping with 'One community, many voices', this week's guest columnist is Stumpville resident, Cletus Tenderloin.



I Hate Ice Cream!

I hate it when you go to the restaurant or the corner store for some ice cream and they sell you the same, old fashioned, drippy kind. It's not 1950 anymore, for gosh sake! With all the chemicals and modern laboratory inventions, can't somebody invent a dripless ice cream cone? Geez!

And while we're talkin' dairy foods, what's wrong with makin' milk clear instead of white! If you're a parent or someone that's spilled milk down your shirt, you'd really appreciate the idea of milk that doesn't stain!

Cripes, these new age, iPod carryin', leftist, wine spritzer drinkin' university grads spend their parent's money, or get government grants (from my tax dollars I might add), to worry about stuff like famine in Africa or savin' whales! What about ice cream?

Listen Poindexter, if whales are as smart as you say they are, then let the critters save themselves! Nothing irks me more than seein' some brainwashed, university educated, liberal type gettin' paid six figures a year to grow apples at the North Pole! It's cold there, okay? Are you stupid? Why not make some money packagin' the ice up and selling it to the United States or Europe or China or somewhere? Don't you people ever use your heads?

And why don't you spend some time figgerin' out how to make brussel sprouts taste like cheesecake or chocolate? Vegetables are supposed to be good for you, okay? You would get more kids and grown-ups eatin' this stuff if it didn't taste like cauliflower or gosh darn asparagus! Use your education and imagination to make the world a better place!

Well?
 
Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
Yeah, and it's all a conspiracy between big pharma, the dairy people and Jenny Craig! They want you to buy their ice cream, and get fat, so you'll have to go on a damn diet! If not, you'll get sick - heart disease, diabetes, or lumbago.

Yeah, go ahead and laugh, but they want your money. They feed you bad food, the fat, dairy stuff, you get sick and have to buy drugs. You lose your hearing or have to wear orthopedic shoes. Those companies start raking in the cash too! It isn't long before you're hooked on insulin, low dose aspirin, cholesterol pills and corrective footwear.

The sad part is, you complain about the dope smokers, but why? They have a bad habit that leads to other drugs. Yeah? Well, so does ice cream! If it's not one damn thing, it's another!

But it gets worse. They feed you other food that makes you crampy and gives you a foul stomach. That leads to 'old person smell'. Another way that big pharma makes money. Antacid pills, diarrhea medicine, Depends and deodorant.

So you need more drugs and other stuff to make you less irritable, not so bloated and smell tolerable. But unless you've put away enough money, you have to live on less, but spend more on pharmaceuticals. So they suck more money out of you until you cannot afford any more drugs. You get sick and die!

It doesn't end there.

Someone has got to bury or burn you. The funeral businesses are next on the list of institutions that feed from your bank account.

Think you were smart buying death insurance? Don't want to be a burden? That's nice! The insurance companies keep milking you to the end too. And the headstone people. What's that? Think I'm joking, eh?

It's all a plot by the Illuminati!
 
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gopher

gopher

Hall of Fame Member
Jun 26, 2005
21,513
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Minnesota: Gopher State
A very LONG time ago, I promised myself that I would buy an ice cream maker but never got around to it. As we all know, nothing beats home cooking when it comes to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It stands to reason that this is also true of all forms of dessert. Some day I'm gonna have to buy that contraption and make my own ice cream goodies. With emphasis on cream rather than sugary flavor.

Some day ...
 
Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
Please, PLEASE don't eat that stuff! You'll end up full of sludge! Your insides will be lined with all sorts of unhealthy things - albotoxins, neurobotanicals and liposcrubbings.

Have you ever hollowed out a fat man from the inside? When the iron curtain was still up, there weren't too many fat folks on the wrong side of the curtain. If you had a glandular problem or were smuggling food, they could spot you from a kilometer away. The state dispatched a special, unmarked ambulance to pick you up. We called it the 'fat wagon', and we knew that you were doomed!

They would take you to an interrogation centre and 'grill' you until you gave them what they wanted.

"Where did you get so fat, comrade?"

After they got what they wanted from you, you were removed to the state run abattoir, where you were killed, hollowed out and your fat recycled for the greater good. What the heck do you think cosmonauts ate when they were launched into space? The rest of you was ground up and fed to the pigs, which were themselves fattened up and fed to party members. So, by proxy, the government ate you!

Please reconsider the machine. It will only bring you hardship!
 
Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
This will shock you!

One night, I was sittin' alone at home, watchin' Ghost Adventures or History Channel or whatever. I was drinkin' a cup of herbal tea because it makes your farts less stinky and is good for the digestion. Anyhow, I'm sippin' and starin' at the box, which really ain't a box anymore. It's more like a giant Etch-A-Sketch, but with sound, when this big, blindin' flash come from the kitchen!

I thought that one of the cats was lickin' the inside of the toaster again. Them cats sure light up when they stick their tongue down the bread slots! That's how I recycle cats, or actually, that's how they recycle themselves. First, you paint the inside of the toaster with sardine juice. Then, you wait. Next thing you know, ZAP! And there's a the smell of burning fur. You just put the charred remains on the front step and some coyote or college kid carries it away.

But anyway, back to the flash. I seen my share of fried cats, so I didn't spring outta my chair. I figured I'd toss the carcass outside durin' the next commercial. Well sir, I was really concentratin' on this Zak guy gettin' possessed by a ghost or somethin', when I heard a voice from behind me. Jiminy Jillikers! It was an alien! (and I ain't talkin' about selfsame)

I got up right away and turned to face him, or her or whatever. I really couldn't tell what sex it was. Not by lookin' at it anyway, despite the fact that it looked all naked. You know, it wasn't wearin' anything. I said, all friendly like,

"You lookin' for somethin' to eat? Is the cat is there?"

This humanoid alien critter, who sort of looked like that politician Kellie Leitch, just looked at me and said,

"No, I do not eat meat. I am here for you, murphy. You show great promise. I am here to take you on a tour of where you will live and work for the rest of your life. People like you are in great demand in the public sector. Chief parliamentary under-secretaries of bi-national commerce. ministerial accounting liaison staff, senior instructional media collators, federal inter-bureau intelligence managers, etc. You get the picture."

Was this guy or girl for real? Was he or she in my house, offerin' me the position of a lifetime? More salary than I could spend. Endless vacation daze. The right to prosecute Canadian citizens without bein' a lawyer, or havin' a case, or filin' a writ, or anythin'! Wow! I thought died and went to heaven! So I says to this guy or girl,

"Holy fat Martha of Mecca, are you for real?"

The guy-girl smiled and said, "No, and stop drinking the tea. You'll get the runs."

With that, the thing vanished. I went back to watchin' Ghost Adventures and considered switchin' to coffee...
 
Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
They are missin' a few ways on that list.

Around here, the common common way is keepin' your Holstein's in the fridge. The other way is drivin' to the Dairy Queen and buyin' some.

Mavis Duchene makes a good livin' knittin' and sellin' what she calls "KowTuques" to local dairy farmers for that very reason. Their heads stay warm, but the rest cools down. The only problem is most of the dairy cattle in this part of the province are Holsteins. You only get vanilla ice cream. A fellow could make a buck if he bought some Guernseys, and sold chocolate too.
 
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Murphy

Murphy

Executive Branch Member
Apr 12, 2013
8,181
0
36
Ontario
They do that at Kolourin' Kows Adventure Park and Slaughterhouse. When it first opened, I never figured it would last one season. It's a RV park, exhibition and slaughterhouse, rolled into one. Families can come in and work with livestock or deadstock, camp overnight and enjoy the midway.

Holstein colourin' is one of the activities for the younger kids. Cows are nailed into place in the pen and the kids get to colour them. Naturally, there is a teen employed to keep an eye on things. These are milkin' cows, so you don't want some little brat hurtin' one.

Daddy's Slaughterhouse is the biggest attraction. For $5, you can recycle old or injured animals. You get plenty of instruction, and there are a couple of meat cutters there to help, if you want to keep the meat. Old ladies from Toronto keep writin' the local paper to have it shut down, but the editor just invites them up for a look.
 
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