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Killer vacuums and other 2017 perils

By Mike Strobel, Toronto Sun
First posted: Wednesday, December 28, 2016 07:02 PM EST | Updated: Wednesday, December 28, 2016 07:45 PM EST
You think you’re in for a rough year?
Spare a thought for Jimmy Kimmel.
“A monkey who is a guest on his show will pull Jimmy’s hair out,” Psychic Nikki tells me, adding, brightly, “but he will be alright.” I assume she means Jimmy, not the monkey.
Nikki also predicts Pamela Anderson will be bitten by a wild animal, though I thought Pam and Tommy Lee split up long ago.
On the plus side, seer Anthony Carr writes, in his annual book, Stargazer, “I predict Mike Strobel will grow a new head of hair through the magic of stem-cell cloning.”
God bless you, Tony, but I won’t hold my breath.
Carr, the World’s Most Documented Psychic, also predicts World War III is upon us, in no small part thanks to Donald Trump.
Damn the luck. My hair grows back — just in time for global radioactive fallout.
But hair loss is the least of our worries for 2017, according to Nikki, Carr and Tara Greene, my annual Big Three panel of prognosticators.
Seriously, you should drop what you’re doing and head for the hills, or as Carr puts it, soothingly:
“Flee! Flee to the mountain tops! The darkest caves! The bowels of the earth!”
Oh, right, World War III. Even worse:
“Hillary Clinton is not yet through ...”
That’s does it, I’m headin’ for the bowels, Tony. You got anything better, Nikki?
“Cows will start to disappear in the Swiss Alps, causing a chocolate shortage.”
That can’t be good. We’ll have to see where the chips fall. But Switzerland isn’t the only trouble spot.
“All countries and cities with Sagittarius strong in their charts ... will be strongly tested,” says the divining Ms. Greene, “such as Toronto, Spain, Lebanon, Yemen, Mongolia.”
So when you flee Toronto, don’t go to Mongolia. They already have highway tolls.
A few other hiccups on our road of life next year, other than the usual floods, terrorism, plagues and pestilence, according to my psychics:
The two Koreas become one, but not before attacking each other (Nikki - Psychic to the Stars - 416-961-7976 (external - login to view)). If the next pope’s name is Peter, Armageddon is just around the corner (Anthony Carr Psychic (external - login to view)). Another airliner disappears (Tara Greene Tarot Psychic Consultant & More (external - login to view)). Military conscription returns to the U.S. — and Canada (Carr). Brooklyn Bridge collapses (Nikki). Donald Trump is impeached, or worse (All three). A world-wide power outage strikes (Nikki). Two simultaneous volcanic eruptions usher in a New Age (Carr). Chemical and viral warfare is a huge danger (Greene). A vacuum cleaner kills somebody (Nikki). Blue Jays have an off year (Greene). The Statue of Liberty will be underwater (Nikki).
On the bright side, expect a big breakthrough in AIDS treatment late in the year, says Tara. And Snoop Dogg will move to Toronto, says Nikki.
She adds, “a robot will break into the White House.” (Hillary! That you?!)
Tara forecasts a giant sinkhole on the DVP, a golden opportunity for City Hall to impose a sinkhole tax.
She also predicts the late Leonard Cohen will win the Nobel Prize for literature, as Bob Dylan did this year.
I predict Cohen won’t show up either.
You read it here first.
Strobel’s column usually runs Monday to Friday.
mstrobel@postmedia.com (external - login to view)
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