Needless to say, Top Gear presenter, and The Sun columnist, Jeremy Clarkson was not happy with the recent Budget, such as the incredible 50% income tax rate for people who earn over £150,000 a year (who include Jeremy).
In this article, he gives us his funny views on the Budget, attacking environMENTALists, Communists, the Government and the Tories, and presents his own Budget.
Jeremy's Budget
New plan ... our Jeremy does his sums
Published: 25 Apr 2009
The Sun
Jeremy Clarkson
THEY said there would be no more boom and bust in the economy. Just before the financial system exploded.
They made a solemn pledge in their election manifesto that they would not raise income tax. And now they have.
They were out with the amount of borrowing they’d need by an enormous £2,400million.
They said that if they cut VAT to 15 per cent then everything would be all right. And it wasn’t.
They told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And they got that wrong too.
They get everything wrong.
Think about it. The only reason Gordon Brown was called the Iron Chancellor is because he sold all our gold.
And he was out with the timing of that too, selling it when prices were at their lowest.
And what do they do as the economy burns? Why, they dream up rude emails about their opponents. They buy new curtains for their second homes.
They even spent a good chunk of time the other day discussing whether or not first-born daughters should be allowed to become queen.
Something that won’t be an issue for at least 70 years.
And now Alistair Darling has announced that he’s going to take half what I earn in income tax and then help himself to the other half with stealth taxes.
Yet weirdly, this badger-faced ar*e had the barefaced cheek to stand on the steps of No11 on Budget day, smiling.
Then, after he’d delivered his speech, Brown was smiling too, like he may actually be deranged.
Well now, I fear, something has to be done...
Let’s imagine for a moment that we are all on a plane, with Brown and Darling at the controls.
We are heading for a mountain. We know that we are all about to be killed. And it is becoming increasingly obvious that our two pilots are completely useless.
Sure, they keep telling us over the PA system that it’s the biggest mountain they’ve seen since 1945 but we’re not to worry.
Unfortunately, however, we are worried because we keep being told by cabin staff that instead of trying to take sensible avoiding action, Brown and Darling are spending most of their time writing rude emails about other pilots, watching porn films and discussing whether Prince William’s as yet unborn daughter should become queen.
And they won’t increase power to the engines and climb out of danger because this would cause global warming.
How long would you sit still before you decided to act?
Staging a protest is no good. You can dance around in the aisles waving placards and chanting as much as you like but the pilots will pay no attention.
And then you will be clubbed to death by the onboard marshal. Who’ll later say you’d had a heart attack.
What else can you do? Have a drink? Nope. You can’t afford it.
A smoke? You couldn’t afford that either and anyway, like absolutely everything these days, it’s not allowed.
Nor is it a good plan to wait for the pilots’ hours to be up and for a new team to come on board.
Because by then it’ll be way too late and, anyway, who’s to say the new team will be any better? I like David Cameron. He’s a good man. But I don’t hear him using the words that we all want to hear. “Savage”. “Brutal”. And “Massive”.
Brown and Darling believe they can use our wallets to solve the problems they have created. Wrong. Instead of asking us for more money, they should be thinking of ways they can spend less.
Currently, the Civil Service employs more people than live in Sheffield. Cut it.
Hugely. No trimming. No shaving. Get in there with a fire axe and get rid of all the managers, the health and safety experts, the ethnicity advisers. All of them.
Out. Now.
And the Olympics? Stop the stadium plans immediately. We have swimming pools already. We have running tracks. Use those.
The opening ceremony? Well, Standard do a pack of catherine wheels and bangers for about £7.99. That’ll do.
Would the Tories do any of that? I doubt it. And nor will the shower we have in charge at the moment.
So that leaves us in our seats, with no chance of rescue, unable to storm the cockpit door because it’s locked, and powerless to do anything else either.
So how’s this for a plan? All the passengers put on a parachute and jump.
Seriously. Ecomentalists are always trying to make their own electricity from dung and weeds so they can get “off the grid”.
But why stop there? Why not simply unplug yourself from the system completely?
Put false plates on your car, refuse to separate your rubbish into categories, pay no more than 25 per cent of your income in tax, because that’s enough, smoke where you damn well like, drink as much as you want — and if a burglar comes to your house, cut his head off.
I’m suggesting we all get up, go to work, earn money, enjoy life, make friends, have a laugh and simply ignore the Government.
Let them fly their plane into the mountain. It won’t matter. Because we won’t be on board.
That's sum mistake
ANYONE earning more than £150,000 will now pay half their income in tax. You might think that’s fair enough.
But hang on. Let’s say that in Britain, there are 30,000 people earning a million a year. The Exchequer was getting around £400,000 a year from each of them.
Now they are getting around £500,000. So that’s an extra £3billion every 12 months.
Brilliant.
But Britain will soon have debts of £1.4trillion. Hoping to pay this off with an extra £3billion is like trying to pay off your mortgage with what you find down the back of the sofa.
Not that it will actually be £3billion because what if half a dozen billionaires decide to up sticks and leave the country?
Lose the really high earners and the Government will end up with less than they were getting before.
If you were Chancellor, wouldn’t you rather have 40 per cent of a billionaire’s earnings than none at all?
The only reason you’d put tax up to 50 per cent is if you were a cretin. Or a Communist. Which is the same thing.
THERE’S no point thinking you can simply get to work earlier to pay your bigger tax bill. Because they’re lowering the speed limit to 20mph.
SOON you will get £2,000 if you scrap your old car and buy a new one. This is good news for Volkswagen but no one else.
ABOUT £250million will be pumped into education this year to create 54,000 more sixth-form places. Why? So kids can get better jobs and earn more money, all of which will then be taken away by the Government and used to pay for a new multicultural fair trade adviser on Wakefield borough council.
DARLING is an idiot. Brown is worse. Ignore them and follow instead the teachings of Mungo Jerry. Have a drink. Have a drive.
Go out and see what you can find.
WE’RE told this is the world’s first carbon budget. Honestly. Who cares?
thesun.co.uk
In this article, he gives us his funny views on the Budget, attacking environMENTALists, Communists, the Government and the Tories, and presents his own Budget.
Jeremy's Budget
New plan ... our Jeremy does his sums
Published: 25 Apr 2009
The Sun
Jeremy Clarkson
THEY said there would be no more boom and bust in the economy. Just before the financial system exploded.
They made a solemn pledge in their election manifesto that they would not raise income tax. And now they have.
They were out with the amount of borrowing they’d need by an enormous £2,400million.
They said that if they cut VAT to 15 per cent then everything would be all right. And it wasn’t.
They told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And they got that wrong too.
They get everything wrong.
Think about it. The only reason Gordon Brown was called the Iron Chancellor is because he sold all our gold.
And he was out with the timing of that too, selling it when prices were at their lowest.
And what do they do as the economy burns? Why, they dream up rude emails about their opponents. They buy new curtains for their second homes.
They even spent a good chunk of time the other day discussing whether or not first-born daughters should be allowed to become queen.
Something that won’t be an issue for at least 70 years.
And now Alistair Darling has announced that he’s going to take half what I earn in income tax and then help himself to the other half with stealth taxes.
Yet weirdly, this badger-faced ar*e had the barefaced cheek to stand on the steps of No11 on Budget day, smiling.
Then, after he’d delivered his speech, Brown was smiling too, like he may actually be deranged.
Well now, I fear, something has to be done...
Let’s imagine for a moment that we are all on a plane, with Brown and Darling at the controls.
We are heading for a mountain. We know that we are all about to be killed. And it is becoming increasingly obvious that our two pilots are completely useless.
Sure, they keep telling us over the PA system that it’s the biggest mountain they’ve seen since 1945 but we’re not to worry.
Unfortunately, however, we are worried because we keep being told by cabin staff that instead of trying to take sensible avoiding action, Brown and Darling are spending most of their time writing rude emails about other pilots, watching porn films and discussing whether Prince William’s as yet unborn daughter should become queen.
And they won’t increase power to the engines and climb out of danger because this would cause global warming.
How long would you sit still before you decided to act?
Staging a protest is no good. You can dance around in the aisles waving placards and chanting as much as you like but the pilots will pay no attention.
And then you will be clubbed to death by the onboard marshal. Who’ll later say you’d had a heart attack.
What else can you do? Have a drink? Nope. You can’t afford it.
A smoke? You couldn’t afford that either and anyway, like absolutely everything these days, it’s not allowed.
Nor is it a good plan to wait for the pilots’ hours to be up and for a new team to come on board.
Because by then it’ll be way too late and, anyway, who’s to say the new team will be any better? I like David Cameron. He’s a good man. But I don’t hear him using the words that we all want to hear. “Savage”. “Brutal”. And “Massive”.
Brown and Darling believe they can use our wallets to solve the problems they have created. Wrong. Instead of asking us for more money, they should be thinking of ways they can spend less.
Currently, the Civil Service employs more people than live in Sheffield. Cut it.
Hugely. No trimming. No shaving. Get in there with a fire axe and get rid of all the managers, the health and safety experts, the ethnicity advisers. All of them.
Out. Now.
And the Olympics? Stop the stadium plans immediately. We have swimming pools already. We have running tracks. Use those.
The opening ceremony? Well, Standard do a pack of catherine wheels and bangers for about £7.99. That’ll do.
Would the Tories do any of that? I doubt it. And nor will the shower we have in charge at the moment.
So that leaves us in our seats, with no chance of rescue, unable to storm the cockpit door because it’s locked, and powerless to do anything else either.
So how’s this for a plan? All the passengers put on a parachute and jump.
Seriously. Ecomentalists are always trying to make their own electricity from dung and weeds so they can get “off the grid”.
But why stop there? Why not simply unplug yourself from the system completely?
Put false plates on your car, refuse to separate your rubbish into categories, pay no more than 25 per cent of your income in tax, because that’s enough, smoke where you damn well like, drink as much as you want — and if a burglar comes to your house, cut his head off.
I’m suggesting we all get up, go to work, earn money, enjoy life, make friends, have a laugh and simply ignore the Government.
Let them fly their plane into the mountain. It won’t matter. Because we won’t be on board.
That's sum mistake
ANYONE earning more than £150,000 will now pay half their income in tax. You might think that’s fair enough.
But hang on. Let’s say that in Britain, there are 30,000 people earning a million a year. The Exchequer was getting around £400,000 a year from each of them.
Now they are getting around £500,000. So that’s an extra £3billion every 12 months.
Brilliant.
But Britain will soon have debts of £1.4trillion. Hoping to pay this off with an extra £3billion is like trying to pay off your mortgage with what you find down the back of the sofa.
Not that it will actually be £3billion because what if half a dozen billionaires decide to up sticks and leave the country?
Lose the really high earners and the Government will end up with less than they were getting before.
If you were Chancellor, wouldn’t you rather have 40 per cent of a billionaire’s earnings than none at all?
The only reason you’d put tax up to 50 per cent is if you were a cretin. Or a Communist. Which is the same thing.
THERE’S no point thinking you can simply get to work earlier to pay your bigger tax bill. Because they’re lowering the speed limit to 20mph.
SOON you will get £2,000 if you scrap your old car and buy a new one. This is good news for Volkswagen but no one else.
ABOUT £250million will be pumped into education this year to create 54,000 more sixth-form places. Why? So kids can get better jobs and earn more money, all of which will then be taken away by the Government and used to pay for a new multicultural fair trade adviser on Wakefield borough council.
DARLING is an idiot. Brown is worse. Ignore them and follow instead the teachings of Mungo Jerry. Have a drink. Have a drive.
Go out and see what you can find.
WE’RE told this is the world’s first carbon budget. Honestly. Who cares?
thesun.co.uk