A year caught with its pants down

S-Ranger

Nominee Member
Mar 12, 2005
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South Ontario, Toronto District
It's not much, I could add 1,000 more and real things that "the newz" has managed to forget about, but Merry Holidays and such...

A year caught with its pants way down
Dec. 31, 2005. 01:00 AM
ROSIE DIMANNO
STAR COLUMNIST

It was another year of living stupidly.

Foolishness and folly and all the frigging flapdoodle a city could possibly handle in 365 days.

Dark days too, but we won't dwell on those for the purposes of this review

Let us recall instead the events that made us hoot when we weren't wincing, shake our heads and our fists, left our jaws hanging.

There was scandal and mendacity at city hall, cops a-marching on the street, a locally raised Miss Universe who was rejected by anal retentive municipal bureaucrats and no hockey for nine months.



The crooks got dumber but the judges seemed no wiser, either. Teachers, doctors, elected officials all betrayed our trust. And everywhere you looked, somebody was getting caught with his pants down or her skirt up, which accounts for the disproportionate number of sexual transgressions cited below. Or maybe it's just me.

Collectively, though, we endured.

As the minutes run out on 2005, here's one last backward glance at life in Toronto, and hereabouts.

Bum steer: TTC chairman Howard Moscoe urges fellow commissioners to consider wider seats before finalizing purchase of 600 subway cars. "As a person who has long legs and a wide tuchas ... I have never felt quite at home in a TTC vehicle.''

Cockamamie defence: Despite conceding that he was "unusually large,'' a judge finds a Barrie man guilty of sexual assault, rejecting claims from the accused that he could not be guilty of the crime because his penis was too large to insert into the victim's vagina without consensual preparation.

Unguided missile: A trucker transporting rocket launchers is pulled over for going the wrong way on Highway 407.

Two-bit gangsta rap: Liberal MP Dan McTeague attempts to have American rapper 50 Cent — nine times a gunshot victim — banned from performing his Massacre Tour show in Toronto.

Coffee-beaned: An Ajax mom is found guilty of assault for hurling java in the face of a hockey player after he'd levelled her son on the ice during a game.

Hoser: Four years after renouncing his citizenship in order to become a member of Britain's House of Lords, Conrad Black — accused by the U.S. government of being involved in an $84 million (U.S.) fraud at his former publishing company — asks the federal government to give him back his Canadian status.

Band-aid solution: Oakville resident J.D. Fortune, one-time Elvis Presley impersonator, becomes lead singer of comeback-hopeful band INXS after winning a TV rock-reality series.

Once-upon-a-mattress: Bloodsucking bedbugs, largely eradicated in North America after World War II, make a comeback attack on Toronto.

Licence-ious behaviour: A Toronto psychiatrist who had a five-week affair with his patient, then dumped him, leaving the man suicidal, has his licence reinstated by the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons.

Beauty and the Beasties: The city's special events office bars Toronto's Natalie Glebova, the new Miss Universe, from appearing at a cultural festival at Nathan Phillips Square, citing municipal guidelines that ban activities degrading to women.

Beauty and the bust: A former Miss Guyana, now living in Scarborough, is sentenced to two years of house arrest for smuggling 7 kilos of cocaine into Canada.

Get off my back already: A Toronto couple takes first place in the wife-carrying competition at the Finn Grand Fest in upper Michigan.

Open wide and say aaarrrghhh: A 58-year-old dentist who Toronto police say had the largest private collection of child porn in Canada receives an 18-month conditional sentence but no jail time.

Homo-erectus: One of the world's first gay monuments is erected at the corner of Church and Alexander Sts. in honour of 19th century homosexual Alexander Wood, a magistrate who fought in the War of 1812.

Road-swill: Highway 401 is shut down after a collision involving a Molson delivery truck spills 2,200 cases of beer.

They should be working at city hall: The Miss Canada Pakistan Pageant proceeds under heavy security after receiving hate mail and death threats from critics who claim the pageant goes against the beliefs of Islam.

Auto-cratic powers: The father of a 21-year-old Humber College student receives a $20,700.61 bill for repairs after his daughter wipes out seven safety pillars on Highway 407, despite the fact police laid no charges.

Lavatory rat: Bystanders responding to a woman's screams take down a peeping Tom disguised as an old lady and armed with a mirror in a women's washroom at the Eaton Centre.

Flagrant vagrant: A Good Samaritan returns the one metre, 9 kilogram crucifix that had been stolen from Holy Name Catholic Church, claiming he'd bought it off a homeless man.

No, that's the lady who spends taxpayer money like a queen: A Grade 8 Whitby student is kicked out of Rideau Hall and suspended from school after an overzealous guide overhears the teenager asking about Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson: "Is that the lady who spends money on the Queen?"

X-rated: As part of a promotion, Famous Players theatres gives away free sheets of wrapping paper to kids depicting a female angel groping a male angel's crotch while he reciprocates by fondling her breast.

X-mated: A Toronto millionaire who failed to fully disclose his assets to the former wife who dumped him for another man is ordered to pay $2.25 million for the legal and forensic accounting expenses she ran up during their nine-year divorce battle.

Arms and The Man: Police seize T-shirts with slogans such as: "Rule One: Be Armed.''

Alms and the man: An unidentified male hands out $100 bills to strangers in a west-end restaurant.

Rock-around-the-clock: After three days, three hours, three minutes and three seconds of non-stop rocking, a Mississauga man abandons his attempt to set a new Guinness World Record.

Dead-letter box: A Hamilton man misses his own funeral when Canada Post loses his ashes, sent from Vancouver, in the mail. Canada Post offers the grieving family a $600 cheque and suggests they use the money to hold a funeral and bury an empty urn.

To Hab and Hab not: The Hospital for Sick Children is duped by a man posing as a former Montreal Canadiens hockey player who charges families of ill children for his autograph.

Sex and the city employees: Pam Coburn, executive director of municipal housing and standards, makes a stunning public confession about her relationship with a married employee. Both are fired — for unfair hiring practices, not for their allegedly unconsummated affair.

Buttheads: A Toronto convict serving a life sentence for the vicious murder of his wife and daughter wins a $5,000 judgment against the federal government for being exposed to second-hand smoke in jail.

Cougar's pet peeved: A 56-year-old Hamilton high school teacher has her licence revoked after pestering a teenage student for sex.

Short-circuited: The founder of Toronto-based running group JeansMarines admits a number of her mainly middle-aged women runners cheated by cutting across the Mall at a prestigious Washington, D.C., marathon.

Wanker: A Woodstock man who drove up to a Tim Hortons drive-through while stark naked and masturbating pleads guilty to committing an indecent act.

City haul in camera: Behind closed doors, Toronto city councillors give themselves a 12.25 per cent raise.

Pee-pee Tom: An elementary school teacher in Mississauga is charged with mischief after a video camera is discovered in the staff washroom.

Cash bar: Fifty thousand members of Alcoholics Anonymous from 75 countries converge on Toronto for a four-day convention over the Canada Day weekend.

Who's sari now?: The AIDS Committee of Toronto apologizes after Hindus protest a charitable fashion event that featured erotic depictions of Indian goddesses.

Straight shooter is queer pro quo: Bill Blair becomes the first Toronto police chief to march in the Gay Pride Parade.

Golf War casualties: An elderly Etobicoke couple, under assault by golf balls from a nearby course — they collected 1,500 of them in a wheelbarrow — is awarded $5,000 in damages for house repairs required by the flying projectiles.

De-fence exhibit: A judge orders the golf club to dismantle the 7 metre high chain link fence it had erected along the street in front of the couple's home.

Ursa minor in major trouble: A teenage black bear leads heavily armed police and natural ministry officers on a 12-hour catch-me-if-you-can romp through downtown Newmarket.

B-arf: Thirty-five ugly dogs are dressed up in miniature tuxedos, evening gowns and tiaras as invitees to the first-ever "tea party for pugs."

Photo-finished: Conrad Black and his chauffeur are caught on video removing 13 boxes of documents from the downtown offices of Hollinger Inc.

Heiress-y: MP Belinda Stronach — multi-millionaire's daughter and failed challenger for the Conservative leadership — defects from the Conservatives to the Liberal cabinet on the eve of a non-confidence vote.

Hen-pecked: Fast food chain honcho John Bitove invites former Baywatch babe and animal rights activist Pamela Anderson to lunch at any of his company's 481 KFC restaurants across Canada after she publicly declares a boycott of the chain for unethical treatment of chickens.

Rot in heil: Notorious white-supremacist and neo-Nazi Wolfgang Droege is gunned down and left for dead in the hallway of his Scarborough apartment.

But light up a cigarette and you are so busted: Free crack kits and a safe injection site study are among the recommendations adopted by Toronto City Council in a new drug strategy program.

Pro and con: Legendary bank robber and jailhouse author Roger Caron, 67, is found not guilty on all charges arising from a slew of Toronto holdups. Caron objects most bitterly to being accused of robbing a Loblaws store — a slight to his professional reputation.

Fraud-ian complex: Comely con-lady Tracy Lynn Sargent — sentenced seven years ago to federal penitentiary time for bilking various swains out of $350,000 — is charged with fraud anew after a paramour tells police he'd given a woman, who was posing as a cardiology student, $35,000 for medical trips to France and Dubai. Police say she entered a guilty plea this month to two counts of fraud over $5,000, and was sentenced to five months in prison.

What's the holdup?: While thousands of Toronto police block traffic and stage a mass rally at Nathan Phillips Square, a robber tries knocking off up a bank one block away.

Toss the rice, roll the dice: Some 300 couples renew their wedding vows at the opening of Canada's first casino chapel in Niagara Falls.

Status interference: Then-chief Julian Fantino pressures Ryerson to ban a program on its campus radio that airs negative stories about police. It's called: Bad Cop, No Donut!

Recycling crap: A formal study finds that only one-quarter of waste Toronto residents drop into their green bins is actually composted. The rest is flushed down the sewer, burned off as methane gas or trucked to a Michigan landfill.

The merchants of penance: Two Toronto men launch Driving Rage Free, the first school to help drivers cope with road rage. The course costs $375.

Slo-mo promo: After contest-winner Brian Diesbourg shockingly kicks a 50 yard field goal through the uprights at Rogers Centre, TSN explains that the advertised $1 million prize will be paid out over the next 40 years.

Pot posse: Two Scarborough politicians go door to door in their neighbourhood looking for marijuana grow houses to report to police.

Dorks R Us: Dozens of reporters flock to his hotel penthouse suite for an audience with Sean P. Diddy Combs, in Toronto to launch his urban clothing line, Sean John.

Make that one order to go: Fraudulent refugee claimant Harjit Singh, who alleged that Immigration Minister Judy Sgro promised him asylum in exchange for free pizzas — leading to her resignation from cabinet — is deported to his native India. He later retracted his claim.

The nod squad: City council passes a "gentle ban" to prevent the homeless from sleeping in Nathan Phillips Square and other public places around Toronto.

De-fault of delinquents: A report reveals that deadbeat motorists and other minor offenders owe Toronto almost $230 million in unpaid fines.

Choking hazard: The father of a 9-year-old hockey player, enraged that his son had been benched, reaches over the Plexiglas partition at Chesswoods Arena and throttles the coach.

Crack-head: A Toronto doctor, diagnosed as a "sex addict,'' pleads guilty to posting on the Internet dozens of photos of a drug-addicted prostitute performing oral sex on him.

Stalling tactics: Three peepholes at a woman's public washroom at the Eglinton subway station are kept open for at least six weeks while TTC special constables try to catch the peeper.

Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket: The final report on Toronto's computer leasing scandal concludes that city budget chief Tom Jakobek lied about taking a $25,000 payoff from computer salesman Dash Domi.

Help Me Wanda, Help-Help Me Wanda: And former treasurer Wanda Liczyk violated ethical rules by not acknowledging a past sexual relationship with a consultant who built a new tax system for the city.

Osama bin-liners: The TTC removes 1,600 garbage cans and 400 recycling bins from subway platforms to protect against a terror strike.

Nine concussions might explain it: After years of long-distant courtship, Eric Lindros finally gets his wish and becomes a Maple Leaf.

Armed with stupid ideas and dangerous: Toronto's only black city councillor calls for police to target young blacks with random checks in a bid to stop gun crime.

B-lotto: The Ontario Lottery and Gambling Corp. spends more than $400,000 of taxpayers' money in a court battle over a $100,000 claim that ended up being settling at the last minute.

While hug-a-thugs claim more basketball courts will solve the juvenile gun-crime problem: A 4-year-old boy is shot in the abdomen by two men who were allegedly after the child's 15-year-old brother — apparently because they were jealous of the teenager, a top-rated basketball prospect.

Monumental ego: Steve Stavro erects a giant bronze statue of Alexander the Great astride his horse on a patch of Mount Pleasant Cemetery, where the former owner of the Maple Leafs will at some point reside for eternity.

A town called Sue: Documents show Toronto settled nearly $49 million worth of lawsuits against the city over a six-year period — or about $3,000 per claim.

Lager flout: After a moron throws a beer bottle at an officer from a 21st floor balcony, police following the trajectory discover a cache of drugs, cash and weapons, including a submachine gun.

Knead in the groin: After a two-year battle, the city manages to close down a notorious rub-and-tug establishment licensed as a "holistic'' spa.

Cinéma-vérité: An amateur video nails two officers punching a 22-year-old man in the face outside a Rexdale coffee shop. The victim had originally been charged with assaulting police.

This Hertz: Despite access to a 4,000-vehicle fleet, the city spends $3.1 million on car rentals.

Fowl play: Four hundred and fifty day-old ducklings en route to the Caribbean escape at Pearson.

Tour de farce: Mayor David Miller describes incomprehensible tourism ads for the city that run in The New York Times — devised in a $4 million promotion campaign — as "an embarrassment and indefensible."

Heisted by their own petard: Police issue a stolen painting alert after thieves make off with four Van Goghs from an Aurora house — except they're fakes, worth a measly four hundred bucks.

Justice knocked unconscious: A Scarborough man, purported to be suffering from "sexsomnia,'' is acquitted of sex assault after claiming he was asleep when he raped a stranger.

Cat burglar caught cat-napping: A suspect is arrested by police who find him sleeping on the couch in the house he'd just robbed.

Till wealth do us part: The winner of Canada's biggest Jackpot lottery — $30 million — who withheld knowledge of his windfall while he divorced his wife, agrees to paying interim support as she continues fight for half of his booty.

Fairytale ending: Elton John marries Scarborough filmmaker David Furnish in a London civil ceremony.

Twisted sisters: Two teenagers convicted of drowning their mother in the bathtub post soft-porn photos of themselves on the Internet and solicit offers for three-way sex only weeks before their trial begins.

Joint operation: Canadian soldiers around the world are told to seek medical advice after a woman — who pranced around Barrie base military shack parties in a pink thong and knee-high boots, trolling for sex — is charged with having unprotected intercourse and not disclosing her HIV-positive status.

Mindbender: A Windsor-area high school teacher praises Osama bin Laden, calls the Holocaust an "exaggeration'' and tells students he'd like to have sex with their mothers.

Welcome back Khadr: Osama bin Laden enthusiast Abdullah Khadr is arrested in Toronto on a U.S. warrant upon resurfacing after several years of alleged terrorist activities in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Barrie'd alive: Toronto loses Live 8 concert to Barrie, but international media reports make no distinction.

Pedestrian crime: A member of George Brown College's Safe Walk program is struck in the leg by a bullet while on duty.

Mad hatters: Police swap uniform hats for ball caps as part of job action for a new collective bargaining agreement.

Run into the ground: For the second year in a row, a runner dies in the Toronto Marathon.

Performance t-art: A dorm lap dance by a university student is posted on the web, garnering tens of thousands of hits.

Loose lip synchs Jessica's even less talented sister: An over-refreshed Ashlee Simpson goes ballistic with obscenity-laced tirade directed at employees of a downtown Toronto McDonald's — "Do you know who I am?" — then jumps over the counter.

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missile

House Member
Dec 1, 2004
4,846
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Saint John N.B.
It seems there is never a dullmoment there, and subscribing to one of the papers is a good investment [for entertainment purposes]