- You folks are probably a bit down after reading that Associated Press analysis claiming that our current economic recovery is by far the weakest recovery of the nine economic recoveries since the Great Depression.
- Apparently, the AP people who I thought were in the tank for me analyzed each recovery three years after each recession and found that by every conceivable economic measure this is the slowest and weakest bounce back in modern history.
- For example, we have only recovered four million of the 8.8 million jobs lost in the 2008/9 recession or 46% while the average job recovery in the other eight recessions was 350%. And while our GDP has increased 6.8% over the three recovery years, the average for the other eight recoveries was 15%. And while the average growth during the other eight recoveries in investment in housing and in consumer spending was 34% and 14% respectively, our growth in these key areas was 8% and 6.5%. Indeed, there is not a single bloody economic indicator of any real significance in which we do not trail far behind every other recovery in modern US history.
- Therefore, you will not mention the recovery or our economic recovery policies for the rest of this campaign.
- In regard to the state of government finances and with reference to my 2008 pledge to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term, you know that we have added almost as much debt to the federal books as the 43 previous presidents combined and that instead of cutting the deficit by 50% in my first term I have increased it by over 50% in my first term.
- Therefore, you will not mention the state of government finances or my pledge to cut the deficit or our financial policies for the rest of this campaign.
- In regard to other policies such as Obamacare, amnesties for illegal immigrants, tax increases on the rich and through Obamacare on the middle class as well, the fast and furious fiasco, no identification requirements for anyone wanting to vote, no more work requirements for receiving welfare, and pretty much everything else associated with my administration, they all seem to be unpopular with at least 60% of the population.
- Therefore, you will not mention any of our policies on anything for the rest of this campaign.
- Rather, you will continue to ensure that the focus of my re-election campaign will be on the following themes:
1/ Blaming George Bush for every economic, financial and foreign affairs problem, set back and crisis.
2/ Demanding that Mitt Romney release his tax returns for the past 45 years since he became an adult and started filing.
3/ Demanding an investigation of the venture capital industry which we will call the vulture capital industry, and asking Romney and all others invovled in this industry (except for those who are bundling contributions for our campaign) to prove that they did or have done nothing illegal, immoral, predatory, selfish or otherwise "wrong" or questionable or even not nice during their time in this industry.
4/ Demanding that the Romneys prove they have done nothing wrong in the care and treatment of Mitt Romney's dog, Ann Romney's horse and any other animals past or present in the Romney household.
5/ Demanding an investigation into the cost of Mitt Romney's estates, Ann Romney's sweaters, the MacDonald's lifetime free meals card that Mitt inherited from his father and, any other item of personal property that can be used to incite class and financial envy and hatred among the low class, even lower IQ morons who support us but will be too lazy and shiftless to actually get out to vote unless we make them mad enough.
6/ Attacking Paul Ryan's budget plan and his proposals to overhaul medicare and social security as throwing granny over the cliff and being very, very, very careful not to mention that the cliff was something we built ourselves with irrresponsible promises and spending that our own budget office says will bankrupt the social security system by 2024.
7/ Arguing that the way to stimulate the economy into creating more jobs is to further demoralize and penalize the job creators in small business with further taxes and regulations and that "trickle down" economics doesn't work but "trickle up" economics does.
8/ Mobilizing our base by demonizing everyone who is not part of our base including but not limited to rich people, successful business people, homophobes who are all those whose position on gay marriage is the same as mine was until I changed it four months ago, pigmentally challenged Americans, those whose IQs are higher than Joe Biden's (wait, scrap that, it would reduce our base to the bottom quartile), people who think that Zimmerman should have a fair trial in a civilian court and that the Gitmo terrorists should be tried with dispatch in a military court, Christians who actually believe in Christianity, FOX viewers, all those who believe that a brilliant career in business is a political asset and, those who regularly watch "BOSS", the series starring conservative actor Kelsey Grammer as the mayor of Chicago.
9/ Making anonymous phone calls to Harry Reid claiming that Romney pays no taxes, Ryan gets more strange tail than Ted Kennedy did in his prime, Ann Romney is having it off with the rider of her dressage horse, Mitt likes to go around the house when nobody else is home wearing women's underwear (and on the outside of his clothing), and Mitt Romney was turned during his two years as an impressionable young missionary in France and became a secret agent for the French government who will sell the US down the river to the Frenchies if he is elected president. Harry can be counted on to get the word out.
10/ Mount an aggressive campaign addressed to the networks to have the three presidential and the one vice presidential debates hosted by more fair and balanced moderators including Rachel Maddow, Soledad O'Brien and Chris Matthews.
- Any questions? At ease, smoke em if you got em and if you've got some pot, can I share a joint with you?
- And always remember the motto which has successfully guided all of our Chicago based political campaigns: "A lie can travel half way around the world before the truth even gets its pants on."
- Apparently, the AP people who I thought were in the tank for me analyzed each recovery three years after each recession and found that by every conceivable economic measure this is the slowest and weakest bounce back in modern history.
- For example, we have only recovered four million of the 8.8 million jobs lost in the 2008/9 recession or 46% while the average job recovery in the other eight recessions was 350%. And while our GDP has increased 6.8% over the three recovery years, the average for the other eight recoveries was 15%. And while the average growth during the other eight recoveries in investment in housing and in consumer spending was 34% and 14% respectively, our growth in these key areas was 8% and 6.5%. Indeed, there is not a single bloody economic indicator of any real significance in which we do not trail far behind every other recovery in modern US history.
- Therefore, you will not mention the recovery or our economic recovery policies for the rest of this campaign.
- In regard to the state of government finances and with reference to my 2008 pledge to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term, you know that we have added almost as much debt to the federal books as the 43 previous presidents combined and that instead of cutting the deficit by 50% in my first term I have increased it by over 50% in my first term.
- Therefore, you will not mention the state of government finances or my pledge to cut the deficit or our financial policies for the rest of this campaign.
- In regard to other policies such as Obamacare, amnesties for illegal immigrants, tax increases on the rich and through Obamacare on the middle class as well, the fast and furious fiasco, no identification requirements for anyone wanting to vote, no more work requirements for receiving welfare, and pretty much everything else associated with my administration, they all seem to be unpopular with at least 60% of the population.
- Therefore, you will not mention any of our policies on anything for the rest of this campaign.
- Rather, you will continue to ensure that the focus of my re-election campaign will be on the following themes:
1/ Blaming George Bush for every economic, financial and foreign affairs problem, set back and crisis.
2/ Demanding that Mitt Romney release his tax returns for the past 45 years since he became an adult and started filing.
3/ Demanding an investigation of the venture capital industry which we will call the vulture capital industry, and asking Romney and all others invovled in this industry (except for those who are bundling contributions for our campaign) to prove that they did or have done nothing illegal, immoral, predatory, selfish or otherwise "wrong" or questionable or even not nice during their time in this industry.
4/ Demanding that the Romneys prove they have done nothing wrong in the care and treatment of Mitt Romney's dog, Ann Romney's horse and any other animals past or present in the Romney household.
5/ Demanding an investigation into the cost of Mitt Romney's estates, Ann Romney's sweaters, the MacDonald's lifetime free meals card that Mitt inherited from his father and, any other item of personal property that can be used to incite class and financial envy and hatred among the low class, even lower IQ morons who support us but will be too lazy and shiftless to actually get out to vote unless we make them mad enough.
6/ Attacking Paul Ryan's budget plan and his proposals to overhaul medicare and social security as throwing granny over the cliff and being very, very, very careful not to mention that the cliff was something we built ourselves with irrresponsible promises and spending that our own budget office says will bankrupt the social security system by 2024.
7/ Arguing that the way to stimulate the economy into creating more jobs is to further demoralize and penalize the job creators in small business with further taxes and regulations and that "trickle down" economics doesn't work but "trickle up" economics does.
8/ Mobilizing our base by demonizing everyone who is not part of our base including but not limited to rich people, successful business people, homophobes who are all those whose position on gay marriage is the same as mine was until I changed it four months ago, pigmentally challenged Americans, those whose IQs are higher than Joe Biden's (wait, scrap that, it would reduce our base to the bottom quartile), people who think that Zimmerman should have a fair trial in a civilian court and that the Gitmo terrorists should be tried with dispatch in a military court, Christians who actually believe in Christianity, FOX viewers, all those who believe that a brilliant career in business is a political asset and, those who regularly watch "BOSS", the series starring conservative actor Kelsey Grammer as the mayor of Chicago.
9/ Making anonymous phone calls to Harry Reid claiming that Romney pays no taxes, Ryan gets more strange tail than Ted Kennedy did in his prime, Ann Romney is having it off with the rider of her dressage horse, Mitt likes to go around the house when nobody else is home wearing women's underwear (and on the outside of his clothing), and Mitt Romney was turned during his two years as an impressionable young missionary in France and became a secret agent for the French government who will sell the US down the river to the Frenchies if he is elected president. Harry can be counted on to get the word out.
10/ Mount an aggressive campaign addressed to the networks to have the three presidential and the one vice presidential debates hosted by more fair and balanced moderators including Rachel Maddow, Soledad O'Brien and Chris Matthews.
- Any questions? At ease, smoke em if you got em and if you've got some pot, can I share a joint with you?
- And always remember the motto which has successfully guided all of our Chicago based political campaigns: "A lie can travel half way around the world before the truth even gets its pants on."