#1
Borat has said that he couldn't be at Wembley today to sing his counry's national anthem before the game with Englad.

However, he did give us an A-Z of Kazakhstan, instead....

With England playing Kazakhstan at Wembley here is a guide to the country by BORAT



By David Thomas
10th October 2008
Daily Mail


Tonight is great football game at Wembley, Ingerland vs Kazakhstan - country made famous in film Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan.

But that film full crazy stories, cause great offendings among Kazakh people. So what truth?

DAVID THOMAS imagine new Borat-style A-Z encyclopaedia: Cultural Learnings Of Kazakhstan For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Ingerland.



Jagshemash: On the day England play Kazakstan here is a Borat-style A-Z guide of the country

A is for Apples. Kazakhstan is site of first cultivatings of apples. No Kazakhstan, no Cox's Orange Pippins, no Golden Delicious Pink Ladies for sweet bitings. In fact, one-time capital of Kazakhstan, Almaty - great city, population 1,226,000 - is being named after 'alma', Kazakhstan word for 'apple'.

Also A is for Andorra, only team Kazakhstan is managing to beat in World Cup campaign so far. Fact: could fit 5,800 tiny countries size Andorra into Kazakhstan.

B is for Baikonur Cosmodrome, oldest and largest space centre in world, covering 6,000 squares kilometre in bleak desert province of Kyzylorda. World's first satellite Sputnik 1 launch from Baikonur, October 4, 1957. Also from Baikonur go first man in space, Yuri Gagarin; first woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova; and first dog in space Laika - waste of good dinner, if asking me!

Many Kazakhs not understanding Soviet wishings to go into space. They ask: 'Why you take rocket to find vast expanse of empty nothingness? We got that right here!'

C is for Cannabis. According official CIA world report, Kazakhstan have 'significant illicit cultivation of cannabis'. People asking me: 'Borat, why you so wild and crazy guy?' I say: 'Don't ask me, ask CIA.' Ni-i-i-i-ce!



D is for Dahsterhahn - is meaning a table full of food. Hospitality very important to Kazakh peoples. If guests arriving and no foods on tables, host is shamed. So when guest arrive, womens is put to work. Then guest musts eat and drink everything: tea, bread, fruits, sweets, also maybe body parts of dead animals. If guest not eat, he shamed. So if you in Kazakh house, eat like your life is depending on it. Because it is.

(Also note: Kazakh word for 'dog' sounds same as word for 'eat'. Am saying nothing more; is no needs.)

E is for Extent of great nation Kazakhstan, which is ninth largest country in world. Much bigger whole Western Europe, but with population roughly same as Holland: approx 15 million.

F is for Felt Hat, traditional headgear of Kazakhstan. Is simple round cap, sit on head for make it warm and cosy when icy wind blow off Steppes. Is for mens and womens, and having many pretty colours and patterns (though not as pretty as my limey-greeny swimmings costume, of course). Is possible buy felt hats if you go to www.kazakhstanforyou.com (external - login to view) (this true, by way, not jokings).

G is for German. Is remarkable fact that 2.4 per cent population Kazakhstan - one of biggest ethnic minorities - is being German, even though Almaty is 4,731km from Berlin.

Why so many Germans? Could be something do with millions Germans captured by Russians in No. 2 Worldly War.

Current temporary manager Kazakh football team, Bernd Storck, is German, though was not taken prisoner to make do job. Ingerland manager Fabio Capello Italian. So match tonight a joyous festival of former Axis powers.

H is for Horse, lovely, tasty animal which many historians is saying first domesticated and ridden by mens on great, wide-open Steppes of Kazakhstan.

Also Kazakhs among first to appreciate value of horse as being source of protein and tasty dinings.

We call horsemeat gazy and national dish is beshbarmak - boiled horsemeat on noodles. But idea Kazakhs drink horse urine just Borat's little joke. In truth, Kazakhs consuming tasty kumys - drink made from fermented horse milk. Then trying not vomit.

I is for Islam, main religion of Kazakhstan people. You may be think: 'Obviously country is Islamic, because name is ending in 'stan'.' But only 47 per cent country Islamic because 44 per cent Orthodox Christian. Is not yet slaughter, bloodshed, bombs between two religions. But give it time.





J for Jew, as in song (mentions in Borat film) meant to come from Kazakhstan, Throw The Jew Down The Well. This create global outrage, also cause enormous offendings to Kazakhs, Jewish peoples and owners of wells. According to official Kazakhstan government spokesman Roman Vassilenko: 'Kazakhstan has a very vibrant Jewish community.'

K is for Karakurt spider, most dangerous insect in Kazakhstan. Bite of karakurt so venomous it can kill great big camel. This disaster for Kazakh herdsman owns camel. He lose most valuable animal, and most intimate friend, at same time.

L is for Lamb. Kazakh people very fond eating sheep. Most favourite part of lamb is not leg, or chop, but head. By custom, give forehead of lamb to man have hard work to do, need strength. If childrens not paying attentions to teachers, parents, make them eat sheep's ear.

M is for My Kazakhstan, official national anthem of my country. Song is written in 1956, but becoming official anthem in 2006 with new lyrics by President Nazarbayev (see 'N').

Him great poet as well as leader. Anthem go:

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Just kidding! That MY version of anthem. Real anthem go:

Sky of golden sun, steppe of golden seed, Legend of courage - take a look at my country!

From the antiquity our heroic glory emerged, They did not give up their pride, My Kazakh people are strong!

Come to think, not really much difference between two songs!

Nis for Nursultan Nazarbayev, President of Kazahstan ever since nation gain independence from Soviet Union on December 16, 1991. All Kazakh peoples very happy with our leader, love our leader and would vote for leader, even if man not standing behind them with gun in back. At last election, President Nazarbayev get 91 per cent of vote. Runner-up get 6 per cent. Your Gordon Brown, he kill to have popularity like President Nazarbayev.



Borat in his film Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan

O is for Oscar Nomination for Best Foreign Picture. Is given this year to great Kazakhstan film Mongol. This story of Genghis Khan who not actually Kazakh, which is why film called Mongol, not Kazakh. But he spend plenty sexy-time in Kazakhstan, raping, pillaging and being to Right of Norman Tebbit.

P is for Prostitute. As whole world know, my sister is number four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan. Is some achievement. U.S. State Department annual report on people-trafficking say: 'Kazakhstan is a source, transit and destination country for women and girls trafficked from Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan and Ukraine to Kazakhstan and on to Russia and the United Arab Emirates for purposes of sexual exploitation.' Which not so funny, maybe.

Qis for Qazaq, magnificent language of Kakakhstan, rich in poetries, literatures, amusing limericks, etc. But as matter of fact, 95 per cent population actually speak Russian. That remind me. . .

R is for Russia, which is biggest neighbour Kazakhstan. Also, from 18th century on, is conqueror and overlord of country. During 1930s, Stalin kill many Kazakh writers, intellectuals and leaders and force peasants into starvation, killing one-in-five local people. Today, 28 per cent population of Kazakhstan still Russian, and Russia control land around famous Baikonur Cosmodrome (see 'B').

But on plus side for Kazakhstan, Russia felt hats industry (see 'F') pile of rubbish!

Sis for 'Salamatsyz ba'. Mean 'good afternoon'. If you go up to Kazakh person and use Borat greeting 'Jagshemash', he either think you crazy, or, worse, he think you a dumb Western Borat-impersonator, taking from him the Mickey. Then he slit your throat and is serving you right.

T is for Tengiz oil field, by shore of Caspian sea. This containing proven reserves nine billion barrels oil. Soon Kazakhstan much richer than sad old Ingerland. Now who laughing?

T also stands for tenge, unit of currency Kazakhstan. Is currently 243 tenges equal 1.

Two years ago new batch tenge banknotes issued. Only slightly problem: word 'bank' not correctly spelled.




Borat in Paris

U is for Uzbekistan. In Borat film is theme of hatred between Kazakh peoples and neighbours in Uzbekistan. Borat say Uzbeks are 'very nosey people with bone in their brain'. This cause many problems for peoples of Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan, latter whom too thick to get the . . . sorry, who offended by crude insults against their peoples. In fact, Kazakhs love Uzbeks, would make sexy-time with any day. Just a pity World Politics review, date April 25, 2008, say: 'Unfortunately, Uzbek-Kazakh relations have been characterised more by conflict than co-operation.'

That just because Uzbeks HAVE BONE IN THEIR BRAIN!!!

V is for Virgin Lands. Policy of Russian leader Nikita Khrushchev to make U.S.S.R. greatest grain producer in world by ploughing up 330,000 squares kilometre Kazakh grassland in 1954-55 and turning into wheatfields. After couple good harvests, whole plan a total disaster. Reason: exhaustion of soil. Nothing to do with shortage of virgins in Kazakhstan.

Wis for Women of Kazakhstan, who obvious not all prostitutes. Old friend Roman Vassilenko, government spokesman, is pointing out: 'Women in Kazakhstan are more likely to be doctors, lawyers and teachers.'

Women also having vote since 1924, though not such big deal when only choice in Kazak elections is (a) series of Soviet dictators, (b) beloved leader President Nazarbayev. Not true that women only get right to sit on inside of bus thanks to 2003 Tulyakov Reforms; that an invention of Borat film.

But is true Kazakh mens do not ever shake hands with womens. Also true that 15 per cent of Kazakh womens of child-bearing age have had seven or more childrens.

W also for wolves. In four-page advertisement in New York Times, taken to rebut Borat film, Kazakh government claimed country had world's largest population of wolves. Then Canadian government rebutted that rebuttal, pointing out they have 30,000 more wolves.

X is for X-rated things I dream to do with Pamela Anderson and her golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls and plastic chests. Sadly, cannot be going into details in families
newspaper.

Y is for Yurt, round tent in which nomad hordes from Steppes live and takes with them as they invade neighbouring countries, create mighty empires, so on, so on.

Z is for Zoo - or, as we Kazakhs prefer to call it, 'a la carte buffet'.

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