how to get rid of personal feelings for someone when saying goodbye isn't an option?

[Chiliagon]

just for the record, I have a friend that I'm very close with.. we've known each other for close to 7 years now and we have dated 3 times in that span. It's been 15 months since we last dated.

I have very conflicting emotional feelings in regards to her. some of them are in regards to wanting to be with her, yet I know it's not going to work, there's a physical side to it that has been very good.. I do at times want to be able to fix it, but then again at the same time I know it's not the right thing for us because we've had 3 failed attempts and we both have agreed it cannot work!

Saying goodbye and never seeing her again is NOT an option so please do NOT suggest that route as it can't happen.

She is my best friend, we've gone through a huge range of situations together and we trust each other intimately,

How do you get yourself to move on from having feelings of anxiety or slight anger when she tells you things that can make you Jealous

it's complicated, so if you want to ask me specific questions to get a better idea , go right ahead!

 

[AnnaG]

"I know it's not the right thing for us because we've had 3 failed attempts and we both have agreed it cannot work!". Keep reminding her.

 

[Praxius]

If some of the things she says makes you jealous, then it sounds to me that there's still something in your head trying to convince you that there is still a remote chance a relationship could work.

Without knowing additional information at this time, I'd suggest trying to shift your frame of mind towards her and try and start thinking of her as something more like a little sister to look after.... if you both tried and you both agree that a relationship will never work between you, then it's time to shift gears and think of her as a best friend, or a sister or cousin or some sort of dependent to look after or help out when needed.

You need to adopt a new way of looking at your relationship with her.... but it sounds to me that you still have feelings for her in that somewhere in your mind, you feel a relationship could still work, even though you vocally claim it wouldn't...... otherwise you wouldn't be getting jealous and you wouldn't be coming in here trying to find a way to shut out these feelings.

Out of curiosity, who was the first to suggest a relationship wouldn't work?

Her or you?

My guess is her and that you agreed in order to avoid the possibility of her leaving your life completely due to knowing you feel more for her then she feels for you and it'd make her awkward around you.

Listen to your true feelings.... if you still like/love her and still want a relationship to work, then it sounds like the both of you need to work your issues out..... and that takes time. Pull back and go back into a friendship position.... and as hard as it may be, be her friend.... help her when she needs your help..... and perhaps over time as you both mature and find out who each of you are, you'll both figure out if it would work later, or it was never meant to be.

I went through a stint myself in high school where my best friend and someone I really cared a lot for ended up dating my cousin.... I never had the balls to stand up and say how I felt about her to her face and I believe to this day she still doesn't officially know what I used to feel for her..... but during that time, I was stuck being her best friend and basically my cousins' best friend, with both of them coming to me with their relationship problems and me being the one trying to give them advice on how to keep it going when I knew it wasn't going to last.

It was hard, it was complicated, but over time I grew, we all moved on with our lives, I matured and I eventually learned that there are other paths we can take in life with other people who will work out a lot better (relationship-wise) then those of our past.

If it is meant to be, it is meant to be and it will happen.... either you both will make it happen, or you won't.

While I had regrets on how things went back then and how everything unfolded.... I do not regret my life as it is now and I can say I wouldn't change anything as I am now married and happy with someone else..... gearing up to take a path in my life I can say I never expected.

But in the end..... it is your life and nobody can tell you exactly how to deal with these things..... this is something you ultimately have to figure out on your own.

If a relationship works out then it works out..... if it doesn't and she does eventually leave your life in some way..... you will survive and your life will go on, even though it is hard to picture it doing so now.

 

[TenPenny]

Make sure you have a good enough relationship for sex when you aren't seeing anyone else, just keep it on a friendship level.

 

[karrie]

I say take the good with the bad personally. Sure, flare ups of jealousy suck, but, if the alternative is erasing a loving and intimate friendship, I'll take some of the moments of jealousy. If you guys are as close as you say you are, simply be honest, say you're jealous, and you'd be amazed at how much that can strip some of the power of it.

Not all relationships fit into neat boxes, often because they're more beautiful and interesting than what you'd have if you try to trim and neaten it up.

 

[DurkaDurka]

Find your self a new women or a fleshlight or a hooker or pick up drinking.

 

[Chiliagon]

I say take the good with the bad personally. Sure, flare ups of jealousy suck, but, if the alternative is erasing a loving and intimate friendship, I'll take some of the moments of jealousy. If you guys are as close as you say you are, simply be honest, say you're jealous, and you'd be amazed at how much that can strip some of the power of it.

Not all relationships fit into neat boxes, often because they're more beautiful and interesting than what you'd have if you try to trim and neaten it up.

I like how you say it.

she's well aware that I do not like this guy because he's a cheater on his gf plus he's playing her for a side fling.. thankfully she's getting it and may very well end soon.

I guess the reality of it all is setting in and I need to man up.

 

[karrie]

I like how you say it.

she's well aware that I do not like this guy because he's a cheater on his gf plus he's playing her for a side fling.. thankfully she's getting it and may very well end soon.

I guess the reality of it all is setting in and I need to man up.

Just be aware also that women like having a guy around 'on the hook' incase they need someone short notice, or a boost of self esteem. We really do. Be her friend, love her, have a great time, but also make sure you're not just on her hook. Don't put up with being the one she goes to just to complain about the other guys she's with, etc.

 

[Curiosity]

Chiliagon

How many times are you willing to go through the one-sided confessional with someone you have feelings for?

If you feel you need to "man-up" ..... why? You are playing her confessor and it hurts but she doesn't seem
to care about your feelings.

What kind of friend is that? Has she asked? Have you said talking about her relationships "don't bother you?"
when you are in fact - bothered?

Friendship is a two-way street - things are shared equally and cared about equally with no expectation of hurting each other because we are free to say what we want.

It sounds to me she is ok with the friendship - and you are still way too vulnerable in your feelings towards her. Does she realize she might be hurting you with her sharing???

In fact - you know what we have written and have all the answers and perhaps you are looking for confirmation or just to get it out into the open to discuss it with someone.

Love or deeply held feelings cannot be "manufactured" - it's one of those quirky life things we just can't make up - either we have it or we don't have it for another.

Best wishes on "manning up" but it sounds like you are in a world of hurt - and I hope your future friendship
will be worth it. You must be an understanding guy. She is very lucky to have you as a confidant.

You have some terrific and wise responders on this forum - best wishes for a resolution to the spot you're in.

 

[VanIsle]

just for the record, I have a friend that I'm very close with.. we've known each other for close to 7 years now and we have dated 3 times in that span. It's been 15 months since we last dated.

I have very conflicting emotional feelings in regards to her. some of them are in regards to wanting to be with her, yet I know it's not going to work, there's a physical side to it that has been very good.. I do at times want to be able to fix it, but then again at the same time I know it's not the right thing for us because we've had 3 failed attempts and we both have agreed it cannot work!

Saying goodbye and never seeing her again is NOT an option so please do NOT suggest that route as it can't happen.

She is my best friend, we've gone through a huge range of situations together and we trust each other intimately,

How do you get yourself to move on from having feelings of anxiety or slight anger when she tells you things that can make you Jealous

it's complicated, so if you want to ask me specific questions to get a better idea , go right ahead!

I think your struggle is not the jealous feelings a person experiences between boyfriend/girlfriend. I think they are more like, maybe someone might get in the way of the friendship and that is going to happen. One day she is going to move on and you have to be ready to accept that. If she meets a man that she is going to marry and the two of you can remain best friends, that's great - as long as you can share her because, she'll be his best friend. You also have to realize, once this happens, her new best best friend might not be too comfortable with you around. Eventually the time you spend will get less and less and as long as you can let that happen and move on yourself - again - no problem. See if for what it really is.

 

[Praxius]

Just be aware also that women like having a guy around 'on the hook' incase they need someone short notice, or a boost of self esteem. We really do. Be her friend, love her, have a great time, but also make sure you're not just on her hook. Don't put up with being the one she goes to just to complain about the other guys she's with, etc.

AKA:

Don't be no Hollar'back'Boooooyyyeeee!

 

[Nuggler]

8OThere's a problem?

What's the problem?

Keep her around for sex. Anything she says goes in one ear and out the other. Ignore.

Keep her around for sex. Jealous...................blah!!!

Keep her around for sex. Just like a well fitting coat hanging in the closet.

The complete and total relationship you seem to need, you ain't gonna get from her.

So.

Keep her around for sex.

What's hard??;-) In the words of Jimmy Durante.........".hacha-cha-cha-cha."

That'll be twenty bucks please. Five minutes of Dr. Nugg's advice to the lovelorn. Yer gettin off cheep eh. Paypal's fine. pay to: "testes@dipnuts.farg"

Next!!:tongue5:

 

[Chiliagon]

I sure hope that's your comedy routine and not serious advice...

 

[Nuggler]

I sure hope that's your comedy routine and not serious advice...

It's whatever you want it to be. Just like life.8O

 

[Scott Free]

Use a female trick and tell yourself you're the victim. She's leading you on and manipulating you. She's stringing you along and using you. Why else would she make you jealous? The nerve! The manipulation! It's almost abuse!

So turn it into something all about you. Forget about what she needs and think about you. Explain it to her but be tough about it. Break free!

This tact seems to work well for women so it should work for you.