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Britain's favourite nursery rhymes have been changed and given themes more relevant to 21st-Century Britain.....



Nursery rhymes get naughty


By MICHAEL DEACON
November 23, 2006



BRITAIN'S best-loved nursery rhymes have been given a 21st century facelift – and the new versions are hardly suitable for children.

The likes of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Jack and Jill and Baa Baa Black Sheep have been updated by a cheeky poet to include references to ASBOs, sex and drugs.

The spoofs are printed in a tongue-in-cheek new book by author Felix Dennis, entitled When Jack Sued Jill: Nursery Rhymes for Modern Times.

Dennis said the age-old kids' songs made the perfect vehicle to joke about the darker side of today's Britain.

"I felt free to hammer away at whatever had annoyed me in the newspapers that day. Man is a universal whinger, which is why there are so many more memorable laments than odes to joy," he said.

Read three of his devilish ditties below.

Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin…



Court jests ... North American suing culture is, unfortunately, becoming more common in Britain




Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Jill sued Jack and Jack sued back,
The judge is going to fine her;
Now the pail's been sent to jail
For abandoning a minor.
We'll sue Jack and he'll sue Jill,
The hill is suing for scandal;
The water says he'll sue the press –
And everyone's suing the handle.
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THE ORIGINAL

[[Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper.]]
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V rude ... White Van Man, a menace on the roads



White Van Man
To the tune of Old King Cole
White Van Man has a very white van
And a very white van has he,
Except for the dents and the rust by the vents
And some very rude graf-ee-teeeee.
He drives in his van as fast as he can
And he neither hears no sees,
He clings to his phone like a dog with a bone
While he steers with one of his kneeeees.
He picks his nose while the tailback grows
And yacks to his front seat crew,
But a fool so rash as to honk or flash
Will receive his fingers twooooo.
Oh, White Van Man has a very wide clan
Who profess no Highway Code,
They'll shunt your rear and yell in your ear
As they U-turn in the roooooad.
He stamps on his brakes when he overtakes
As he cuts up you and me,
For White Van Man has a very white van…
And a very white van has heeeee!
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THE ORIGINAL

[[Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Ev'ry fiddler had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he.
Tweedle dee, tweedle dee,
Tweedle dee, tweedle dee,
Tweedle dee, tweedle dee,
Went the fiddlers three,
Oh there's none so rare
As can compare,
With King Cole and his fiddlers three."]]
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Jack-a-naughty ... the new book changes traditional nursery rhymes to rhymes more about the dark sides of modern Britain
------------------------------






Rat race ... mouse hooligans wearing hoodies and carrying knives just love the fact they have been issued ASBOs (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders)


Anti-Social Behaviour Orders
To the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Chavs and yobs who love to fight
Terrorise us every night.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for.
On the streets with hoods and knives,
How they terrorise our lives,
Though they all should be in bed,
All you do is boost their cred.
ASBO, ASBO, can't you see
You are an accessory.
ASBO, ASBO, little law,
How we wonder what you're for,
Words will never rule the street,
We need coppers on the beat.
Toothless, useless, little law,
How we wonder what you're for
-----------------------------------------

THE ORIGINAL

[[Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

Then the traveller in the dark
Thanks you for your tiny spark;
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are! ]]

thesun.co.uk
Last edited by Blackleaf; Nov 23rd, 2006 at 01:22 PM..