Israel Multiplies. Moses Born; he befriends two Hebrews.
1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.
2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and became exceedingly mighty.
3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn Hebrew son into the Nile.
4 And one day Pharaoh’s daughter found a basket containing a child among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, “This is one of the Hebrews’ children.”
5 And she took the child, and raised him, and called him Moses.
6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting each other, and he said to them:
“Cut the rumpus, or I’ll moida the both of yah!”
7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, “You don’t scare me!” And he stuck out his tongue and said, “Nyaaaaaa!”
8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him several yards by it.
9 And the other Hebrew – a man with a raspy voice and strange hair – laughed mightily. And Moses smote him on the head.
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.
11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend:
12 Curly, Son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first cousin to E. Gad, and distant cousin to Ramses of Los Angeles.
13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, brother of Abracadabra and Hokus-Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame, and Econquered.
14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and Midian-well.
The boining bush.
1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold their services for pasturing other Hebrews’ flocks.
2 And one day they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident sheared off some of Larry’s hair, and Larry grew angry, and lunged for him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.
3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath him, and Moses screamed, and he said, “Why, I’ll break your heads!” And he chased them into the field.
4 And there the Angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire from the midst of a bush.
5 And Curly said “Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!)
6 And Moses said, “Quiet, you lamebrain!” and smote him on the head.
7 And then they became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, “Hey, Moses! Hey, Larry! Hey, Curly!”
8 And they said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!”
9 And the Lord said, “Do not come near here; remove your sandals from your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground.”
10 And Larry said, “I’ll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!”
11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them both on the head.
12 And the Lord said, “I have seen the oppression of my people by the Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I will send…you!”
13 And they were unsure as to who “you” was.
14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly – who saw he had no one to look at – trembled and clicked his teeth loudly.
15 And Moses said, “Which ‘you’ do You mean?”
16 And the Lord said, “You!”
17 And Moses said, “I?”
18 And Larry said “Aye!”
19 And Curly said “Aye-Aye!” and the three Hebrews began saluting each other vigorously.
20 And the Lord said, “Cut it out!” and they did, and He continued, “Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them, ‘The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt and into the land of Canaan – a land overflowing with sweets!”
21 And Curly said, “Ooh! a candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!” And Moses smote him on the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on the head.
Hebrews given powers.
1 And Larry said, “What if they don’t listen to us, or vicey-versey?”
2 And the Lord said, “They will. Now, hold out your left hand.”
3 And Larry said to Curly, “Which one is my left hand?” and Curly said, “That one.” And Larry said, “So how do I know which is my right hand?” and Curly said, “Why, that’s easy! The one that’s left! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!”
4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.
5 And the Lord said to Larry, “Now, what is that in your hand?”
6 And Larry looked, and said, “Why, nothin’.”
7 And the Lord said, “Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!”
8 And Larry said, “Oh!” and looked, and said, “Why, a staff!” And the Lord said, “Throw it on the ground.” And Larry threw it on the ground and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.
9 And Moses slowly pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, “I didn’t mean it, Moses! Honest I didn’t!”
10 And Moses said, “Of course you didn’t,” and hit him on the head with the staff.
11 And the staff became a serpent, and Moses said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!” and dropped it, and it slithered up Curly’s robe, and Curly said “Wooo woo woo woo woo woo!” And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly in a circle.
13 And the Lord said, “this wonder shall help you convince the sons of Israel of the word of the Lord.”
14 But Moses pleaded and said, “Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We ain’t never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it’s ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!”
15 The the Lord became angry, and said, “Who made man’s mouth? Who makes him blind? Who makes him deaf?” And, indicating Curly, He said, “Who makes him dumb?”
16 “Is it not I, the Lord?!”
17 And they saw His anger, and they said, “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!” And they bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.
18 And the Lord said, ” Go, then, and perform this wonder before the sons of Israel. then go to the Pharaoh, and say, ‘Let My people go, so they may soive – I mean serve – Me!'”
19 So Moses, Larry and Curly assembled all the elders of the sons of Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up Curly’s robe, and he danced wildly.
20 And the people believed.
“Let My people go!”
1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his court.
2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, “First, shouldn’t we pay homage?” And Curly said, “I don’t know. Homage should we pay? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!”
3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion with his hand.
4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, “We got this here message from the Lord,” and they put their fists to their mouths and made a trumpet sound. And then they sang:
“Roses is red,
Violets is yellow;
Let my people go!
Like a pharaoh and a decent phellow.”
5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and snapped their fingers.
6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, “Who is the Lord that I should obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!”
7 And Moses said, “Wise guy, eh?”
8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and he waved his fingers, and he approached her, saying, “Rough! Rough! Rough!”
9 And then he said, “How ya doin’, toots? Tell me, are you married or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!” and he put his arm around her, and offered to make her a drink, and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.
10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry, and said, “It seems the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on, they will no longer have straw to make bricks – let them gather it themselves! But their quota of bricks must not be reduced!”
11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped his eyes, and said, “Guards! Seize them!”
12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the fields.
1 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they smote them on their heads.
The coming of the plagues, and the screwup thereof.
1 And the rumpus continued, and Israel toiled oily and late.
2 So Moses, Larry, and Curly returned to the Lord, and Moses said, “things is gettin’ woise! You gotta help us out!”
3 And the Lord said, “Go to Pharaoh again, and tell him to let My people go. But this time, you will deliver all My plagues so that he will know My power!”
4 And the Lord carefully instructed them on the implementation of plagues – frogs, insects, locusts, hail, and boils – and then He instructed them on the Passover, and the feast of the unleavened bread.
5 And Moses, Larry, and Curly went again before Pharaoh, and Pharaoh said, “What are you idiots doing here again?”
6 And Curly said, “Who you callin’ an idiot?”
7 And Pharaoh said, “You!”
8 And Curly said, “That’s what I thought! Nyuk-nyuk!”
9 Then Pharaoh ordered his guards to seize them, but Moses said, “Now wait a minute! We got these orders that if you don’t let our people go, we’s gonna woik some miracles!”
10 And Pharaoh laughed, and he servants of the court laughed, and Moses, Larry, and Curly laughed. But then Moses stopped laughing, and he said to Larry and Curly, “What are you two mugs laughin’ about?” And he smote them on the head.
11 And Moses handed the staff to Curly, and he said:
“Eenie meenie minie moe:
Let the nation of Israel go!
If the pharaoh hollers no,
Here come the plagues – we told you so!”
12 But Moses and Curly forgot the plagues.
13 and Larry said, “Wait a minute! I remember! Somethin’ about a hail of unleavened bread!”
14 So Curly stretched his hand with the staff to the sky, and throughout the land there struck a hail of unleavened bread. And it was a severe hail of unleavened bread, such as Egypt had not seen in many years.
15 And Larry said he recalled another plague, and Curly raised the staff again. And all throughout the land, all the insects and frogs developed boils.
16 And Pharaoh laughed, and the court laughed, and Moses smote Larry and Curly on the head and poked their eyes, and Pharaoh ordered his guards after them, and the Hebrews ran from the palace, saying, “Wooo woo woo woo woo woo!”
The plague of plumbers.
1 Now it happened there was a leak in Pharaoh’s basement.
2 And Pharaoh commanded the head of the household to find a plumber.
3 But the plumber had been riding in the country, and had left his chariot for a drink of water.
4 And Moses, Larry, and Curly were working in a field nearby, and Curly found the chariot, and climbed in, and fell asleep.
5 And Moses and Larry found him, and Moses took a chisel and placed it on Curly’s head, ad he swung down on it with a sledgehammer.
6 And Curly awoke, and he said, “Oh! Oh! I can’t see! I can’t see!”
7 And Moses said, “Why not?”
8 And Curly said, “Because my eyes are closed! Nyuk-nyuk!”
9 And Moses smote him on the head.
10 Then they saw Pharaoh’s contingent approaching, and they said “Nyah-ah-ah-ah!”
11 And the head of the household said, “Pharaoh wants to see you. He’s got a leak in his basement.”
12 And Larry said, “We don’t know nothin’ about fixin’ no leaks.”
13 And Moses looked behind him, and he saw the sign, “Sphinx Plumbing Co.” on the chariot, and he called a huddle, an d he said, “Listen, you mugs! This could be our last chance to go to Pharaoh and try one of them plagues. So ixnay on the uthtray!”
14 And Curly said to the head of the household, “We’s at your soivice!”
15 And the three Hebrews climbed into the chariot, and Curly by accident stepped on Moses’ face, and Moses put Curly’s head between the spokes of the wheel, and he poked his eyes and plucked his eyebrows. And Larry laughed, and Moses smote him on the head.
16 And afterward they rode to the palace of the Pharaoh.
1 So Moses, Larry, and Curly toiled in the basement and divers chambers of the palace, and wreaked havoc on the plumbing.
2 And meanwhile Pharaoh entertained various princes of foreign lands, and he took them to a room high above the palace, and he said, “Now I will show you a view like no other in the world!” When I remove this stone, through this wall you shall see the Niles as it is seen only by the high and mighty!”
3 And Pharaoh removed the stone, and a great fountain of water rushed out and smote him, and knocked him down. And he wiped his face, and stood up, and took a step, but fell through a hole the Hebrews had sawed.
4 And he became angry, and ordered the servants to prepare dinner, or he would kill them.
5 And the servants were frightened, and they went to Moses, Larry and Curly, and threatened them, and ordered them to prepare dinner for the king and his guests, since the regular help had quit.
6 So they prepared dinner, and they dressed as servants, and they presented the food before Pharaoh. And Pharaoh said, “Say, haven’t I seen you guys somewhere before?”
7 And the host and his guests dined, and they chipped their teeth on pieces of hidden jewelry, and spewed bubbles from their mouths.
8 And they remained quiet, but made many strange faces.
9 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly wheeled in a large birthday cake, and bade Pharaoh make a wish, and blow out the candles.
10 And this Pharaoh did, and the cake exploded, and there was much hubbub.
11 And Pharaoh said, “Now I know who you are! Get out of here, and take the people of Israel with you! Guards! Seize them! Oh! My evening is ruined!”
12 So Moses, Larry, and Curly ran from the palace, and they gathered the people of Israel together, and they all rushed to the Red Sea, with the Egyptian army in pursuit.
13 And Moses said, “Quick! We gotta think of a way to part the sea!”
14 And Curly said, “Which part? Nyuk-nyuk!”
15 And Moses smote him on the head.
16 And Larry found a violin, and he played a lively tune on it.
17 And Curly rubbed his face and kicked his legs wildly.
18 And Moses watched and got an idea, and said to Larry, “Play faster, you dummy!”
19 And Larry played faster, an d Curly rubbed his face and kicked his legs faster.
20 And then Moses directed Curly into the Red Sea, and his movements wrought a tremendous splash, and the sea parted.
21 And then Moses, Larry, Curly, and the nation of Israel ran through the parted sea, all saying, “Wooo woo woo woo woo woo!”