History of the Canadian Empire (Declassified)! (Canadian Empire)


hmsmark
#1
This is a little something I typed up for my American friends at the bar. The scary thing is, some of them don't know which parts of it is B.S. Enjoy:

The History of the Canadian Empire from 1941 - Today

This report has been declassified by the Imperial High Command of Canada 15 January 2005.

In the beginning there were two great powers that ruled the world, Portugal and Canada. On December 7 1941, Canada orchestrated the German attack on the US base at Pearle Harbor in Hawaii which was originally located in the middle of Lake Ontario. To further the confusion of American forces, the islands were then moved to the middle of the Pacific during the middle of the night on December 7th using super secret Canadian island moving gear, and the blame cast on Japan. This was impossible, since Japan was a colony of Portugal at the time, but the Americans fell for it. Four long years of war between America and the Canadian dominated world. Germany and Italy were, at the time, satellite states of Canada and were required by their colonial masters to bear the brunt of the fight to carry on the ruse that Canada was an American ally. First, America single-handedly conquered France, which was a section of western Germany that had a lot of Quebecer immigrants living there from the Canadian homeland. During this time, devious Canada had purchased Japan from Portugal for 1500 litres of maple syrup and dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Canada had invented the atomic bomb in 1899 and had been sitting on the technology for decades. When no one claimed responsibility for attacking Japan with this awesome weapon, the Americans took credit and claimed revenge for the attack on Pearl Harbor. This allowed America to claim victory in WWII

Despite America fighting on bravely alone in Europe, for four years, the American and German forces had exhausted themselves and America went home. This was the perfect opportunity for the Kingdom of Newfoundland to invade Europe and take over the whole continent in 1945, except Portugal, of course, which is the second most powerful nation on earth. Newfoundland was a nation in turmoil, however, as civil war soon erupted between those who felt the name of the nation should be all one word and those who felt it should New Found Land. After four years of bloodshed in the Newfoundland home island, Canada stepped in and absorbed Newfoundland as a province. They purchased Newfoundland for 750 Trillion Newfoundland dollars, which was about $350 Canadian back then. The Three Word Brigade continues to plague eastern Canada with terror attacks over the name of the island to this day. Luckily, they're from Newfoundland and have only been able to figure out how to plant one bomb. Unfortunately for them, they thought "planting" a bomb meant burying it in the ground to grow more and it failed to cause any damage. As inheritors of Newfoundland's European Empire, Canada divided Europe into two camps to keep the Americans occupied for fifty years. There was a communist side, which meant you wore funny fur hats and drove crappy cars, and there was a capitalist side, which wore blue jeans and drove better cars. Then there were the French who wore berets and just sucked in general. Canada and Portugal didn't want an actual war, so they gave both sides nuclear weapons and went about ruling the rest of the world silently. Canada even purchased the Panama Canal from the US in the 1970s through it's puppet government in Panama. The Americans demanded 50,000 Winnipeg subway tokens for the Canal linking the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. When Canadian diplomats reminded the Americans that there was no subway in Winnipeg, their demands doubled to 100,000 tokens. The deal was agreed to in 1979.

Unfortunately, the Communist side got tired of playing and went home around 1990. So, Canada has had to find other things to keep America occupied. Most recently, they bought the Romanian colony of Iraq for one thousand nude pictures of former American First Lady Hillary Clinton. Apparently, naked pictures of slightly mannish women are Romania's legal currency. Anyways, Canada stocked Iraq with Weapons of Mass Destruction which forced America to invade to locate and destroy these weapons. To this day, America hasn't found these weapons, which is odd, because they are in a large, open-air stadium called Weapons Of Mass Destruction Centre. It's located at 1 WMD Circle in the middle of Baghdad. There are several large nuclear missiles sticking out the stadium and George Bush stayed in the hotel attached to WMD centre during his visit to the troops there. In fact, he had a beer at the WMD Bar and Grille located next door to the stadium. Huh, I guess they'll find them eventually...

So thus is the history of the world since the Second World War. Canada and Portugal continue to rule the world with an iron fist while letting America think its on top. Oh, if they only knew.... Oh, if you're an American and reading this, uh, wouldn't you rather watch car crashes or someone eating bugs on TV. Pay no attention to this... Oh, who are we kidding, American can't read!
 
missile
#2
You are silly! I like that in a human
 
Reverend Blair
#3
 

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