Favorite quotes


Blackleaf
#301
Al Murray is a British comedian and TV personality, best known for his stand-up comedy alter ego The Pub Landlord, a mock-xenophobic but stereotypical public house licensee who especially hates the French and Germans (but the bloody Yanks, Aussies and many others are also ripe for hilarious abuse).

Here are some of The Pub Landlord's words of wisdow, given to some of his audience during his stand-up routine.



And where would we be without rules, eh? That's right, France. And where would we be with too many rules? Germany.

(There are many variations of the "where would we be..." joke, often following on from the Germany line)

Where would we be with laws that involved us fighting animals? Spain.

Where would we be with laws that favoured cyclists? Holland.

Where would we be if they supported us by running away as soon as we saw the enemy? That's right, Italy!

Where would we be if our government spent so much money on the Olympic Games that all others after it will look like total crap, especially London 2012? Yes, China.

Where would we be if the only way to get our country on the news was to build a machine that could create black holes and destroy the space time continum? Switzerland!

Where would we be when the sight of a half-man half-goat would not disgust the eye? Narnia!

Where would we be if a giant mouse patting a child on the head is normal? Disneyland.

Where would we be if England won the World Cup, and beer & laughter ran through every home in the land? ****ing Dreamland.

I'd like to thank the Americans for their help in the War Against Terror, because if you hadn't funded the IRA for 30 years, we wouldn't know how to deal with freedom fighters, would we?

(to Australian audience members) Welcome back! Returning to the scene of the crime then?

We're in a country that doesn't allow children to drink alcohol, but they can be a pub landlord. (fakes crying) Beautiful.

Rugby, posh man's sport of course, fifteen men on a team, because posh people can afford to have more friends.

Great Britain traditionally has trouble with countries beginning with an I. Good rule of thumb. Iran, Iraq, Indonesia, India, it's over now of course; Italy, not a threat as such but ... dealt with; Ireland, we're playing the long game on that one obviously; Iceland, Cod War '74; 'itler's Germany.

We shouldn't insult the French of course, because they're not here to defend themselves. And we know how good they are at that!

Never forget it was the British Army's plan to collapse back to Dunkirk and **** off home pronto. If you're not there the Germans can't beat you.

(addressing the same audience member who admitted to being a police officer)The British police are the finest police in the world aren't ya? Yeah you are. No, you ****in' are! Have some pride in yourself!

When a French man is in trouble, he doesn't do what you or I would do, does he? No, when a French man is in trouble, he does something very strange. He doesn't shout "Help", the international word for "Help", coming from the English word "Help", meaning "Help"...Used in times of stress requiring "Help".

Here's a word about fashion.. In every pack of foxhounds, chasing a fox, there's one dog, one hound at the back of the pack, with no sense of smell at all. He can't smell that fox, can he? He doesn't even know there is a fox. All he's doing is following *******s. And that, is all you need to know about fashion.

Philosophy. What is the point? What's the point of anything? Someone should look into that

The people I'll never understand are those Americans who pretend to be Irish. As if it's not bad enough being American!

It's true, we never put a man on the moon; BUT, we were the first up Everest, which is the nearest you can get without the sodding fireworks.

The Taliban were bang out of order. If the dishes are done, there’s no need for a mask.

On the Swiss: They’re like a flat that will never sell because the Austrians, Germans, French and Italians are neighbours.
Last edited by Blackleaf; Aug 25th, 2014 at 09:21 AM..
 
Blackleaf
#302


"America: It's like Britain, only with buttons."
- Former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr
*******************



When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?
- Late comedian Bob Monkhouse
 
Blackleaf
#303
'You're English till you die'.

What the England fans chanted as they watched their team beat Scotland 3-1 in Glasgow last night

 
Tecumsehsbones
#304
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

'You're English till you die'.

What the England fans chanted as they watched their team beat Scotland 3-1 in Glasgow last night

How'd they do at World Cup?

You can beat Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Yay.
 
Blackleaf
#305
Quote: Originally Posted by Tecumsehsbones View Post

How'd they do at World Cup?

Not much worse than you did. And the Jockland vs England match is always the match that both sets of fans want to win.

By the way, whilst we were beating Scotland last night, our sixth victory on the trot, your lot were thrashed 4-1 by the Republic of Ireland. They just can't win a match to save their lives.
 
Tecumsehsbones
#306
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

Not much worse than you did.

That's an interesting interpretation of "Worse than the U.S."

You got beat like a Pakistani at a UKIP rally.
 
JLM
#307
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

'You're English till you die'.

What the England fans chanted as they watched their team beat Scotland 3-1 in Glasgow last night


So that is why life expectancy is so low over there!
 
Blackleaf
#308
Quote: Originally Posted by Tecumsehsbones View Post

That's an interesting interpretation of "Worse than the U.S."

You got beat like a Pakistani at a UKIP rally.

So did you. The USA have only won one match since their 2-1 win over Ghana in the World Cup, their only victory at the tournament. Last night they were thrashed 4-1 by the Republic of Ireland in Dublin, a team who are ranked 61st in the FIFA World Rankings (24 places below Scotland).

England, meanwhile, are unbeaten in their last seven games - winning six of them. The last match they lost was that 2-1 defeat against Uruguay in their second match of the World Cup. In those last seven games, England have only conceded two goals - the one last night in their 3-1 "friendly" win against Scotland at Celtic Park and the one in their 3-1 Euro 2016 qualifier against Slovenia at Wembley on Saturday evening (and even then, that goal was an own goal by Jordan Henderson).

And what does all this mean? It means that England have now moved above the USA in the FIFA World Rankings. England are now ranked 20th in the world (anti-English FIFA have mysteriously moved England down two places despite the fact that England are unbeaten in seven games) and the USA have moved down SIX places to 23rd, so you can't even boast anymore that you are above England in the world rankings.

The FIFA/Coca-Cola World Ranking - Ranking Table - FIFA.com

Also, how many Pakistanis have been beaten up at a Ukip rally?
 
Tecumsehsbones
#309
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

So did you. The USA have only won one match since their 2-1 win over Ghana in the World Cup, their only victory at the tournament. Last night they were thrashed 4-1 by the Republic of Ireland in Dublin, a team who are ranked 61st in the FIFA World Rankings (24 places below Scotland).

England, meanwhile, are unbeaten in their last seven games - winning six of them. The last match they lost was that 2-1 defeat against Uruguay in their second match of the World Cup. In those last seven games, England have only conceded two goals - the one last night in their 3-1 "friendly" win against Scotland at Celtic Park and the one in their 3-1 Euro 2016 qualifier against Slovenia at Wembley on Saturday evening (and even then, that goal was an own goal by Jordan Henderson).

And what does all this mean? It means that England have now moved above the USA in the FIFA World Rankings. England are now ranked 20th in the world (anti-English FIFA have mysteriously moved England down two places despite the fact that England are unbeaten in seven games) and the USA have moved down SIX places to 23rd, so you can't even boast anymore that you are above England in the world rankings.

The FIFA/Coca-Cola World Ranking - Ranking Table - FIFA.com

Also, how many Pakistanis have been beaten up at a Ukip rally?

We were 1-1-1 and made it to the knockouts. You were 0-1-2 and went back to Little England like the suck-a$$ footballers you are. That's fact. No amount of English mad cow sh*t will change that.
 
Blackleaf
#310
Quote: Originally Posted by Tecumsehsbones View Post

We were 1-1-1 and made it to the knockouts. You were 0-1-2 and went back to Little England like the suck-a$$ footballers you are. That's fact. No amount of English mad cow sh*t will change that.

What is a fact is that you are now ranked three places below England in the FIFA World Rankings and have only won one game since your 2-1 win against Ghana in the World Cup, your only victory at the tournament.

England are unbeaten in their last seven games, winning six of them (the other was the 0-0 draw with Costa Rica at the World Cup), conceding just two goals in those games, with one of them being an own goal.

Quote: Originally Posted by JLM View Post

So that is why life expectancy is so low over there!

Another favourite chant of English football fans is "Are you Scotland in disguise?", which they chant at either club or international matches to the players of the opposing team when that team is playing badly.
 
Tecumsehsbones
#311
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

What is a fact is that you are now ranked three places below England in the FIFA World Rankings and have only won one game since your 2-1 win against Ghana in the World Cup, your only victory at the tournament.

England are unbeaten in their last seven games, winning six of them (the other was the 0-0 draw with Costa Rica at the World Cup), conceding just two goals in those games, with one of them being an own goal.

I can't wait to see you fail miserably again at Euro 16. Undoubtedly it will lead to yet another round of you shrieking that England has the greatest side in the world, despite their sh*tty performance.
 
Blackleaf
#312
Quote: Originally Posted by Tecumsehsbones View Post

I can't wait to see you fail miserably again at Euro 16.

If we keep playing the way we are playing now all the way until Euro2016 then we'll probably win the tournament, like we should have won Euro 2004 (but then a certain cheating referee in the match against Portugal deliberately buggered things up).
 
Blackleaf
#313


"Central African Republic."

“And of course by country, we mean a sovereign state that is a member of the UN in its own right.”

"Very well done if you got that at home."
 
Ludlow
#314
ain't no use standin on the seat, crabs in here can jump ten feet. ~ Luke the Drifter
Last edited by Ludlow; Aug 2nd, 2015 at 08:17 PM..Reason: sp
 
Ludlow
#315
here I sit all broken hearted, tried to **** but only ******

here I sit cheeks a flexin, giving birth to another *******

shyte house poetry at it's finest.
 
tay
#316
www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1mEVA1QQFg&feature=player_embedded
 
Blackleaf
#317










 
Ludlow
#318
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post











an oldie but a goodie
 
Blackleaf
#319








 
Ludlow
#320
Thatcher kinda reminded me of Eleanor Roosevelt. I liked her,,,as well as Ms. Roosevelt.
 
Blackleaf
#321
Quote: Originally Posted by Ludlow View Post

Thatcher kinda reminded me of Eleanor Roosevelt. I liked her,,,as well as Ms. Roosevelt.


In my opinion she's the fourth greatest Briton of all time - after Churchill, Brunel and Pilkington.
 
Ludlow
#322
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

In my opinion she's the fourth greatest Briton of all time - after Churchill, Brunel and Pilkington.

Considering your past comments on the roles of Women in society, that surprise me somewhat. Cool
 
Blackleaf
#323
Quote: Originally Posted by Ludlow View Post

Considering your past comments on the roles of Women in society, that surprise me somewhat. Cool


Women are getting too uppity now and should definitely stay out of politics. Thatcher was unusual in being a good female poltician. Most of the rest are useless (just look in Britain at the likes of Hatty Harperson and Hazel "Squirrel Nutkin" Blears. It should be men running countries and conglomerates and women should be staying at home looking after the children and doing household chores. They shouldn't even be allowed to vote. The decline in Western civilisation started once dopey birds were allowed to but crosses on ballot papers, giving us take-take-take socialist governments. The inferior gender should not be allowed to run a country or have any say in how it's run.
 
Ludlow
+1 / -1
#324
Uppity as in rising above the lower class level you perceive them to be? You've a lot to learn about a lot of things which I'll refrain from sharing with you. I've five older sisters,,,and three daughters. My youngest daughter graduated at the top of her class from Missouri State University. She is far from inferior to any of you loud mouthed bigots. Point of fact,,,just the opposite is true. Shame on you Blackie somewhere along the line you've suffered an arrested development. You're living 100 years ago.
 
Hyack
#325
Not really a quote, more a statement from Sir Matthew Baillie Begbie, the first Judge of the Supreme Court, Colony of British Columbia 1858 to 1866. Begbie had condemned an American to death for murder. The convicted man's American lawyer informed the Judge that he would appeal. Begbie's reply:

"You are fully within your rights to do so, and I will outline for you the procedures. First, you will make your appeal in writing and submit it to me for approval. Then I will forward it to the Supreme Court in Ottawa for review. They will then communicate their findings to me and you will then be informed of their position. But all of this is purely academic, because your client will be hanged tomorrow morning at 9 a.m."
 
Blackleaf
#326
Quote: Originally Posted by Ludlow View Post

My youngest daughter graduated at the top of her class from Missouri State University.


As a result of the fact that education in the West is now heavily skewed in favour of females. Compared to boys, girls have it easy in schools and colleges and universities nowadays, helped along by a feminised education system which puts boys - who, on average, are more intelligent than girls - at an unfair disadvantage. The system of education girls receive was deliberately created in the 1970s and 1980s, tailored towards girls' educational needs whilst ignoring those of boys. It's no wonder so many boys in Britain are deciding not to go to university and enter apprenticeships instead.

If education was more equal, with both girls AND boys being taught by methods which suit them, the boys would nearly always get higher grades than the girls.

However, none of this really matters. Most boys who go to college and university study proper subjects like maths and physics, whereas most girls do things like media studies and hairdressing and "-ism" studies. Girls may do better at school than boys only as a result of the feminised education system but, at the end of the day, it's still the boys going on to become scientists and builders, making important discoveries and inventions and building the world around us, whilst girls end up becoming hairdressers and shop assistants.
 
Ludlow
+1
#327
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

As a result of the fact that education in the West is now heavily skewed in favour of females. Compared to boys, girls have it easy in schools and colleges and universities nowadays, helped along by a feminised education system which puts boys - who, on average, are more intelligent than girls - at an unfair disadvantage. The system of education girls receive was deliberately created in the 1970s and 1980s, tailored towards girls' educational needs whilst ignoring those of boys. It's no wonder so many boys in Britain are deciding not to go to university and enter apprenticeships instead.

If education was more equal, with both girls AND boys being taught by methods which suit them, the boys would nearly always get higher grades than the girls.

However, none of this really matters. Most boys who go to college and university study proper subjects like maths and physics, whereas most girls do things like media studies and hairdressing and "-ism" studies. Girls may do better at school than boys only as a result of the feminised education system but, at the end of the day, it's still the boys going on to become scientists and builders, making important discoveries and inventions and building the world around us, whilst girls end up becoming hairdressers and shop assistants.

yeah. ye've obviously been pooped on by a few gals. I hear ye loud and clear. might have been that sparkling personality ye be sportin, I'll bet ye like that popular john Anderson tune,,we be swangin"lol

Might I suggest one of those blow up love dolls I hear tell about. Give ye all the lovin ye require and the conversation will be to your liking,,,she'll listen attentively to all the brilliant thangs ye have to say without one exception to any of your opinions on shyte.
 
Blackleaf
#328
Quote: Originally Posted by Ludlow View Post

yeah. ye've obviously been pooped on by a few gals.

Nah. I just realise that the education system in the West has been deliberately skewed in favour of girls over the last 30-40 years and that the Western education system is run by feminazis and it is letting boys down.

Every year we hear the same old stuff: "Girls outperform boys yet again in most subjects. Aren't they brilliant?!" Yet most media don't tell you that the ONLY reason that this is the case is because the highly feminised education system is easy for girls but not so much for boys. Girls are mollycoddled at school. If boys were taught according to their needs just as girls are, then boys would suddenly shoot ahead and outperform girls in most subjects as boys are generally brighter.

In fact, it's a well-known fact that girls are more suited for coursework than boys are, so of course lots of schoolwork today is coursework - deliberately and heavily skewed in favour of girls. However, in 2009 boys outperformed girls for the first time in more than a decade in mathematics GCSE after coursework was abolished, and in more recent years where there has been less courseworks in certain subjects boys have done better and girls worse. I think that tells you all you need to know - once you slightly de-feminise the education system boys suddenly start doing better and even outperform girls.

Boys failed by education system says Eton headmaster

Boys are being failed by the British education system because it has become too focused on girls, the headmaster of Eton has warned.

By Laura Roberts
19 Jan 2010
The Telegraph
Comment

Tony Little said that the different sexes required different teaching methods to bring out students' potential and that GCSEs favour girls more than boys.

He also blamed teachers for failing to realise that boys are "more emotional" than girls, despite the fact that girls "turn on the waterworks".

Mr Little, who co-hosted the International Boys' Schools Coalition Conference at the Guildhall with David Levin, headmaster of City of London School, said: “As a nation, we do not support and nurture boys, especially teenage boys, at all well.

“It is foolish to assume that boys can always be helped in the same way as girls. We feel our education system needs to face up to that fact.”

Boys, he believes, require a more physical and active style of learning. He said that an increased verbal element of GCSEs favoured girls over boys and that educational techniques had become skewed because of the male-dominated society of the past.

“It's assumed that opening up opportunity means giving a better deal to girls and women. I don't decry that in the slightest — we have moved hugely forward,” he said.

“But there's a point at which that agenda has been at the expense of recognising what's happening in boys and education.”

Eton, the school attended by David Cameron, has been boys-only for nearly 600 years.

Mr Little's claims were supported by research submitted at the conference which claimed that boys and girls benefited from different teaching techniques which could be administered either in single-sex environments or at mixed schools.

It also said that boys were more likely to be labelled "disruptive or rebellious" in mixed classrooms where the presence of girls might encourage them to try and be "cool" rather than studious. This situation affected the learning experience of both girls and boys, it stated.

Meanwhile it concluded that arts, music, creative writing and design and technology was more likely to "flourish" in all-boys schools.
For the last 20 years girls have outperformed boys at GCSE and A Level with some education experts complaining that coursework is more suited to female pupils.

Traditionally, boys fall behind after just two years of compulsory schooling and girls stretch their lead at the age of 11, 16, 18 and even degree level.

However, last year boys outperformed girls for the first time in more than a decade in mathematics GCSE after coursework was abolished two years ago and ministers have proposed similar plans for other subjects.

Boys failed by education system says Eton headmaster - Telegraph
 
Ludlow
#329
Blackleaf, we've lived in a male dominated world for a long time. And take a look at the damn place. I'm not impressed .
 
JLM
+1
#330
Quote: Originally Posted by Blackleaf View Post

Nah. I just realise that the education system in the West has been deliberately skewed in favour of girls over the last 30-40 years and that the Western education system is run by feminazis and it is letting boys down.

Every year we hear the same old stuff: "Girls outperform boys yet again in most subjects. Aren't they brilliant?!" Yet most media don't tell you that the ONLY reason that this is the case is because the highly feminised education system is easy for girls but not so much for boys. Girls are mollycoddled at school. If boys were taught according to their needs just as girls are, then boys would suddenly shoot ahead and outperform girls in most subjects as boys are generally brighter.


Boys failed by education system says Eton headmaster - Telegraph

Time to get off your high horse and start living and thinking like a human being. "Boys being generally brighter" is just a bunch of blatant BULL SH*T. Some of us are brighter at certain things while others are bright at different things. School book intelligence is just one of about 7 kinds of intelligence. Some are musically inclined, some are mechanically inclined, some are socially inclined, some are spatially inclined while others are inclined to realize how much they don't know- which is something you are not. We should forget about this bull sh*t of trying to out perform someone else and just concentrate on doing the best you can do. A lot of the trouble in the world today is caused by people trying to outperform the Joneses, W.T.F. they are. That is the one thing I have against organized sports- the obsession of always trying to beat someone else. Things will be a lot better when people finally realize, the enjoyment is in the sport itself regardless of win, lose or tie. I have absolutely no problem with the fact some women are more clever than I am and vice versa. Perhaps the intelligence lies in being able to accept it and quit being a horse's A$$.
 

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