Subject: Re: URGENT RESPONSE
To: Raymond Etiebet <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Jonathan Land <email@example.com>
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOU E-MAIL, MAY BE YOU ARE GODSENT, MY PARTNERS AND MYSELF, WE HAVING DIFFICULTIES LOOKING FOR A SUITABLE PARTNER SINCE YOUR UNCLE REFUSED OUR PROPOSAL. YOUR ASSURANCE THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ON HIS BEHALF IS VERY ENCOURAGING AND I PRAY THAT WITH YOU WE HAVE FOUND A PARTNER COMMITTED TO THIS PROJECT AS WE ARE.
I am as committed to this project as Mr. Freeman is now committed to Timeless Dignity Nursing Home. I felt bad about it at first. I finally got my little girl potty trained after 12 years (we all do things in our own time), and I couldn't bear to take any more of that sort of crap. Ethically I was questioning whether it was right to incarcerate him and shirk on that sort of responsibility in his nutty twilight with his own money, but **** it, he doesn't know me from the cardboard cut out of me that I leave in his kitchen to have him think I visit him more than I do. So he's well taken care of, and I can cruise around Florida in my Chrysler Sebring convertible searching for a new mommy for my little girl.
Actually, since there would still be a 295-pound sweaty guy driving the convertible, that makes me wonder... I know you're the government, and this might be illegal, but what's your mail order bride industry like? Is that a legitimate industry there like it is Asia and the eastern part of Europe? I hope there are no weird overtones because of the racial issues involved. I assure you, I do not discriminate against ANYONE, pussy, is pussy is pussy. That what I was raised to believe. I would fully incorporate my bride-for-hire into my life in the customary American fashion. We'll take long walks on the beach together, she'll prepare and later clean up our candlelight dinners, and she'll have lots of my babies while she hangs out and maintains the property. I wouldn't be "buying a woman", I would be putting an investment into a wife that I will grow to love and respect as soon as I possibly can. I sincerely mean that.
If it is illegal... never mind, unless you're willing to look the other way... I mean, I am doing a big favor for you here.
WE WILL NEED YOU TO RETYPE DETAILS (AN APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT AND AN INVOICE TO THE AMOUNT OF 31MILLION USD) WHICH I WILL SEND TO YOU ALONG WITH THIS EMAIL, INTO THE RELEVANT LETTERHEADED AND INVOICE PAPERS IT IS THESE THAT WE WILL USE TO APPLY FOR RELEASE OF THE FUNDS INTO THE NOMINATED ACCOUNT WHICH YOU WILL INCLUDE IN THE REQUESTED PAPERS. WHEN WE RECEIVE THE APPLICATION AND INVOICE WE SHALL PROCEED TO FILE THEM IN THE RELEVANT MINISTRIES AND PARASTATALS IN THE MEAN TIME WE WILL REGISTER AND INCORPORATE A COMPANY IN NIGERIA WITH THE NAME THAT APPEARS ON THE LETTERHEADED WHICH YOU WILL SEND TO ME. WE HAVE ALREADY MADE ALL THE NECCESSARY ARRANGEMENTS AND CONNECTIONS TO ENSURE THAT YOUR APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT WILL BE APPROVED VERY FAST WITHOUT MUCH SCRUITING AND ENABLE THE FUNDS BY RELEASE. ONCE PAYMENT HAS BEEN APPROVED ALL THAT IS LEFT IS THE ENDORSEMENT (SIGNING) OF THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DOCUMENTS TO EFFECT THE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I just faxed the info. Let me know that you got it ok.
IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH THE SHARING RATIO AND AS REGARDS THE INVESTMENT IN NIGERIA IT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA IN WHICH WE ARE HIGHLY INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING BECAUSE NIGERIA IS PRESENTLY WIDE OPEN VIRGIN COUNTRY, VERY OPEN FOR BUSINESS INVESTMENT COUPLED WITH HUGE POTENTIAL FOR GROWTH.
Well, I was asking you something specific about the ins and out of Nigerian business practices, not generally if Nigeria is a good place to have a business. Let's get technical here... I want to open a chain of stores there... what legal things do I have to do do get the ball rolling. Do I need to submit a business proposal, get permits, licenses, bribe unions, ... what??? What do I need to do, and how can you help me? Can I just tell you what I want here, and you can tell me if you think it'll fly, and just take care of all the details for me? I guess that's the option that would work for me the best. I've put myself (and of course, Mr. Freeman's estate) in a vulnerable position here! Don't make me make it difficult for you to get your money out of my account! I can take or leave the money. I don't need the money. I have the money. I want to be a clever entrepreneur. I want to be hip and trendy and at least 5 years ahead of my time. By the way, that's 5 American years of hipness, which from my brief research translates to about 50 Nigerian years of hipness. My stores will be the biggest thing to hit Nigeria since... I'm sorry I don't know enough about Nigerian culture to know what's the most recent popular thing, I just know it's tragically unhip. No offense.
P.S. I hear Nigeria sounds a lot like Utah, is that true?
N.B YOU CAN CALL ME AT ANY TIME OR VERY LATE AT NIGHT NIGERIAN TIME BY THEN MOST PEOPLE WILL BE ASLEEP AND THE TELEPHONE LINES WILL BE LESS BUSY.YOU SHOULD ALSO SEND ME YOUR PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL AND FAX NUMBERS
RETYPE INTO YOUR LETTER HEAD
THE DIRECTOR GENERAL
ENGINEERING AND PROJECTS
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO-IKOYI LAGOS NIGERIA.
COULD YOU KINDLY USE YOUR GOOD OFFICE TO ACT IN FAVOUR OF OUR BILL WHICH HAS BEEN PESENTED TO YOU.
DUE TO YOUR DELAY IN ACTING ON OUR BILL, WE ARE NOW CONTINUALLY BEING HARRASSED BY OUR CREDITORS.
SO, KINDLY PAY OUR FUNDS INTO OUR ACCOUNT BELOW BY SWIFT TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER.
RETYPE IN YOUR INVOICE
THE DIRECTOR GENERAL
ENGINEERING & PROJECTS
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
BELOW IS THE BILL OF OUR CONTRACT NO.043/NNPC/WR-PH/93 WHICH HAS EARLIER BEEN PRESENTED FOR YOUR NECESSARY ACTION AND APPROVALİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİ S/N ITEMS AMOUNT
1. FLUSHING & CALIBRATION OF THE IKOT- EKPENE UYO AXIAL STATION $18,640,000.00 İİ
2. LAYING OF FLOW PIPES FROM WARRI TO PORT HARCOURT $8,000,000.00
3. REPAIR OF FACULTY TURBINE AT THE BONNY HABOUR $4,360,000.00