Lobsters Aren't Food

Cosmo
#1
I've always suspected this so was not surprised to find out the truth behind sea bugs ...

Quote:

Why lobsters aren't food
BY DAVE BARRY

I am pleased to report that the scientific community has finally stopped wasting time on the origins of the universe and started dealing with the important question, which is: Are lobsters really just big insects?

I have always maintained that they are. I personally see no significant difference between a lobster and, say, a giant Madagascar hissing cockroach, which is a type of cockroach that grows to approximately the size of William Howard Taft (1857-1930). If a group of diners were sitting in a nice restaurant, and the waiter were to bring them each a freshly killed, steaming-hot Madagascar hissing cockroach, they would not put on silly bibs and eat it with butter. No, they would run, retching, directly from the restaurant to the All-Nite Drive-Thru Lawsuit Center. And yet these very same people will pay $24.95 apiece to eat a lobster, despite the fact that it displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely:

1. It has way more legs than necessary.

2. There is no way you would ever pet it.

3. It does not respond to simple commands such as, ``Here, boy!''

I do not eat lobsters, although I once had a close call. I was visiting my good friends Tom and Pat Schroth, who live in Maine (state motto: ``Cold, But Damp''). Being generous and hospitable people, Tom and Pat went out and purchased, as a special treat for me, the largest lobster in the history of the Atlantic Ocean, a lobster that probably had been responsible for sinking many commercial vessels before it was finally apprehended by nuclear submarines. This lobster was big enough to feed a coastal Maine village for a year, and there it was, sprawling all over my plate, with scary insectoid legs and eyeballs shooting out in all directions, while Tom and Pat, my gracious hosts, smiled happily at me, waiting for me to put this thing in my mouth.

Remember when you were a child, and your mom wouldn't let you leave the dinner table until you ate all your Brussels sprouts, and so you took your fork and mashed them into smaller and smaller pieces in hopes of eventually reducing them to individual Brussels-sprout molecules that would be absorbed into the atmosphere and disappear? That was similar to the approach I took with the giant lobster.

''Mmmm-MMMM!'' I said, hacking away at the thing on my plate and, when nobody was looking, concealing the pieces under my dinner roll, in the salad, in my napkin, anywhere I could find.

Tom and Pat, I love you dearly, and if you should ever have an electrical problem that turns out to be caused by a seven-pound wad of old lobster pieces stuffed into the dining-room wall socket, I am truly sorry.

Anyway, my point is that lobsters have long been suspected, by me at least, of being closet insects, which is why I was very pleased recently when my alert journalism colleague Steve Doig referred me to an Associated Press article concerning a discovery by scientists at the University of Wisconsin.

The article, headlined ''Gene Links Spiders and Flies to Lobsters,'' states that not only do lobsters, flies, spiders, millipedes, etc., contain the exact same gene, but they also are all descended from a single common ancestor: Howard Stern.

No, seriously, the article states that the ancestor ''probably was a wormlike creature.'' Yum! Fetch the melted butter!

And that is not all. According to articles sent in by alert readers (this was on the front page of The New York Times), scientists in Denmark recently discovered that some lobsters have a weird little pervert organism living on their lips. Yes. I didn't even know that lobsters had lips, but it turns out that they do, and these lips are the stomping ground of a tiny creature called Symbion pandora (literally, ``a couple of Greek words''). The zoology community, which does not get out a lot, is extremely excited about Symbion pandora, because it reproduces differently from all other life forms.

According to various articles, when Symbion pandora is ready to have a baby, its digestive system ''collapses and is reconstituted into a larva,'' which the parent then gives birth to by ''extruding'' it from its ''posterior.'' In other words -- correct me if I am wrong here -- this thing basically reproduces by pooping.

So to summarize: If you're looking for a hearty entree that 1) is related to spiders, 2) is descended from a worm and 3) has mutant baby-poopers walking around on its lips, then you definitely want a lobster. I myself plan to continue avoiding them, just as I avoid oysters, which are clearly -- scientists should look into this next -- members of the phlegm family. Have you ever seen oysters reproduce? Neither have I, but I would not be surprised to learn that the process involves giant undersea nostrils.

And don't get me started on clams. Recently, I sat across from a person who was deliberately eating clams. She'd open up a shell, and there, in plain view, would be this stark naked clam, brazenly showing its organs, like a high-school biology experiment. My feeling is that if a restaurant is going to serve those things, it should put little loincloths on them.

I believe that Mother Nature gave us eyes because she did not want us to eat this type of food. Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the ''patty'' group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks and McNuggets -- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed someplace far away, such as Nebraska. That is where I stand on this issue, and if any qualified member of the lobster, clam or phlegm-in-a-shell industry wishes to present a rebuttal, I hereby extend this offer: Get your own column.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald...y/14031886.htm
 
Dexter Sinister
#2
Yeah... Ever taken a close look at a lobster? First person to eat one of those must have been *REALLY* hungry. And as for the snot-in-a-shell called oysters... well, that's as explicit as I want to be about that.
 
Jay
#3
I love both....


I'm known to eat the whole can of smoked oysters all by my self.
 
missile
#4
Fish sticks are the ultimate seafood
 
#juan
#5
"les escargots" anyone? :P
 
Toro
#6
Quote: Originally Posted by missile

Fish sticks are the ultimate seafood

 
#juan
#7
Funny how some people can

take a bloody, quivering, slice of cow muscle and brown and partially cook it on the barbeque(I do it all the time) and rave about how good it is, but go all to pieces over a lovely bit of cooked lobster. Takes all kinds. :P
 
I think not
#8
Lobsters yum!
Soft shell crabs yum!
Halibut yum!
New England clam chowder yum!
Blackfish yum!
Salmon yum!
Blowfish yum!

Can you tell I like seafood?
 
Jay
#9
The best seafood I ever had was in Connecticut....strange as that might sound.

Scallops are amongst my favorites.
 
LittleRunningGag
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by I think not

New England clam chowder yum!

Is that the red or the white?
 
I think not
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by LittleRunningGag

Quote: Originally Posted by I think not

New England clam chowder yum!

Is that the red or the white?

That's the white, the red one is Manhattan clam chowder
 
Jo Canadian
#12
Actually I believe there has been some family searching done with the lobster. There have been fossils of "sea scorpions" which are distantly related to land scorpions, Spiders, Horshoe crabs...and yes crabs and lobsters.

So you're not eating an insect per-se, but an ancient Arachnid...Yum.
 
Cosmo
#13
Quote: Originally Posted by I think not

Lobsters yum!
Soft shell crabs yum!
Halibut yum!
New England clam chowder yum!
Blackfish yum!
Salmon yum!
Blowfish yum!

Can you tell I like seafood?

Halibut is awesome .... mmmmmm!

Blowfish??? Have you actually eaten fugu?? eewwwww ... on so many levels!!

Interesting factoid tho ...
Quote:

Dolphins have been observed using pufferfish as a sort of toy in the wild. They tease the pufferfish with their teeth, causing the small fish to become alarmed and then inflate. After a while the fish calms down and deflates, thus starting the cycle over again. It is speculated that dolphins may also enjoy the mild numbing effect from small amounts of the pufferfish toxin.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pufferfish

Juan ... ... I was vegetarian for nearly 10 years till the smell of cooking hickory smoked bacon did me in. Now I'm heading back that way. Seared animal flesh is quite gross when you think about it. blech Except for bacon, which has so many chemicals it's not even really meat anymore!

I maintain ... Lobsters are too ugly to be eaten. Sea bugs. My final answer on that one!
 
#juan
#14
Cosmo

I was mostly kidding. I'm not all that fond of Lobster, but I do love a good steak. In fact, they could throw all the lobster away as long as I could have a good steak once in a while. Lobster , scallops, Prawns, oysters, are all packed full of cholestrol...who needs 'em?
 
thomaska
#15
Quote:

According to various articles, when Symbion pandora is ready to have a baby, its digestive system ''collapses and is reconstituted into a larva,'' which the parent then gives birth to by ''extruding'' it from its ''posterior.'' In other words -- correct me if I am wrong here -- this thing basically reproduces by pooping.

Applies to Michael Moore as well I believe....
 
Nikki
#16
I always thought that Lobster's and Crab's are just giant insects. They just look so gross. That beign said there are some countries that say chocolate covered ants are a delicasy.
 
Kreskin
#17
Lobster, mussels, oysters, clams, scallops, ...bring it on.

BBQ in white wine. Yum.
 
Nikki
#18
Quote: Originally Posted by Kreskin

Lobster, mussels, oysters, clams, scallops, ...bring it on.

BBQ in white wine. Yum.

 
Kreskin
#19
Come on Nikki, they're awesome. Even if the are roaches.
 
Machjo
#20
Oh have I got my stories:

As for seafoods, I'll stick to anything vegetal, such as kelp, seaweed, algae, etc. I especially like kelp! Heck, I eat it most every day, or at lest every week. A whole week without kelp is a rarity.

Now as for disgusting foods, I've had smelly tofu. It smells like putrid sockes from across the street. And once you've crossed the street, it smells the same but more concentrated. A better name would be putrid tofu. People would say that it smells bad but tastes good. So fine, I tried it and gagged! Tastes the same, except this time the fumes reach the nostrils from within the mouth goig up the throat rather than from the outside. Now I've got a tough stomach, but had to spit that one out!

then we have the deep fried cockroaches (I think, or at least some related big bug)deep fried silkworm. Tastes like deep fried saw dust, or so I'm guessing. Relatively tasteless, but not something I'd want to try again. I only ate it to appease a host who was already offendid at my teetotalling ways. He was happy since I ws the only foreigner who actually shoved that "delicacy" in his mouth, chewed and swallowed.

Then we have what we might call live shrimp marinating in spicey sauce. Hey, might as well call a spade a spade. When the dish is first delivered to table, the things are squiggling away quite vividly. But as we're enjoying conversation over time, we find that as 10, 20, 30 minutes pass by, and most aren't moving anymore. Easy to eat, alive or dead. You grab it, tear it apart, and eat like any normal shrimp. I passed on that one! by the way, we had a dish of backed dog on the table that day too. I passed on that too. Sorry, but pets aren't to be eaten. This was all in Chinese restaurants.

On another occasion in a Korean restaurant (Koreans are a major ethnic minority in town), I found that my mushrrom soup (or so I thought) had a beefy flavour, only to find it was... dawg. I immediately stopped to eat, paid, and walked out. I'm very hesitant and careful when eating at Korean restaurants now.

Aywa, welcome to China, where food varieties abound.
 
I think not
#21
Quote: Originally Posted by Kreskin

Lobster, mussels, oysters, clams, callops, ...bring it on.

BBQ in white wine. Yum.

Agreed, seafood is great. Especially the big roaches with butter, mmmm.