Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler
I love the full page ads in the New York Times with a full-size picture of a very large steak knife and the caption: Terrifying Vegetarians Since 1886. Smith & Wollensky's Steak House.
The ad is fun but the truth is, their steaks are not that great (and way overpriced). The best steak in America is the porterhouse at Peter Luger's in Brooklyn. Many international folks think the best restaurant steak in the world is served at La Cabaña in Buenos Aires. But the true best steak in the world cannot be found in any restaurant.
Years ago, I was invited by Reason Magazine to contribute a recipe to The Libertarian Cookbook. There were recipes by Ayn Rand, Nathaniel Branden, Tibor Machan, and other libertarian luminaries. I decided to swing for the bleachers.
My recipe was for The World's Best Steak. The world's best steak is made from the nerve of an elephant's tusk.
An elephant tusk is a giant tooth, and as we all unpleasantly know from a trip to the dentist, teeth have nerves. The bigger the tusk, the bigger the nerve.
Here's how the recipe went:
Step One: Shoot an elephant. You want a big bore .458. A frontal brain shot is risky as the skull is porous and can absorb the shock of the bullet. Aim for a couple of wrinkles or so below the center of the eyes. Best is a side shot between the eye and the ear hole, or the heart shot behind the shoulder.
Step Two: Remove the tusks. This is sanguinary and laborious. Don't do this yourself. Your bearers will do this with an axe.
Step Three: Remove the nerves from the base of the tusks. Two tusks, two nerves. Normally removed by machete. Depending upon the size of the tusks, they will be 3-6 inches in diameter, circular at the base, about 1-3 feet long, and taper to a point.
Step Four: Slice the nerve into two-inch thick steaks with the machete. Pan fry them on a cast-iron griddle over an open camp fire. Seared black on the outside, rare in the middle. Best steak you'll ever have in your life. Serve with three fingers, neat, of Famous Grouse Scotch per steak.
And yes, the lions coughing in the distance do add to the ambiance.