The World’s Best (and Most Politically Incorrect) Steak


sanctus
#1
THE WORLD’S BEST (AND MOST POLITICALLY INCORRECT) STEAK

Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler


I love the full page ads in the New York Times with a full-size picture of a very large steak knife and the caption: Terrifying Vegetarians Since 1886. Smith & Wollensky's Steak House.

The ad is fun but the truth is, their steaks are not that great (and way overpriced). The best steak in America is the porterhouse at Peter Luger's in Brooklyn. Many international folks think the best restaurant steak in the world is served at La Cabaña in Buenos Aires. But the true best steak in the world cannot be found in any restaurant.

Years ago, I was invited by Reason Magazine to contribute a recipe to The Libertarian Cookbook. There were recipes by Ayn Rand, Nathaniel Branden, Tibor Machan, and other libertarian luminaries. I decided to swing for the bleachers.

My recipe was for The World's Best Steak. The world's best steak is made from the nerve of an elephant's tusk.

An elephant tusk is a giant tooth, and as we all unpleasantly know from a trip to the dentist, teeth have nerves. The bigger the tusk, the bigger the nerve.

Here's how the recipe went:

Step One: Shoot an elephant. You want a big bore .458. A frontal brain shot is risky as the skull is porous and can absorb the shock of the bullet. Aim for a couple of wrinkles or so below the center of the eyes. Best is a side shot between the eye and the ear hole, or the heart shot behind the shoulder.

Step Two: Remove the tusks. This is sanguinary and laborious. Don't do this yourself. Your bearers will do this with an axe.

Step Three: Remove the nerves from the base of the tusks. Two tusks, two nerves. Normally removed by machete. Depending upon the size of the tusks, they will be 3-6 inches in diameter, circular at the base, about 1-3 feet long, and taper to a point.

Step Four: Slice the nerve into two-inch thick steaks with the machete. Pan fry them on a cast-iron griddle over an open camp fire. Seared black on the outside, rare in the middle. Best steak you'll ever have in your life. Serve with three fingers, neat, of Famous Grouse Scotch per steak.

And yes, the lions coughing in the distance do add to the ambiance.
 
Ten Packs
#2
This is gross....
 
Tonington
#3
Is that what poachers have to tell themselves I wonder....
 
YoungJoonKim
#4
Yum...only if elephants weren't so endangered..
 
missile
+1
#5  Top Rated Post
To really offend the veggies, try a nice large hunk of dolphin steak. If we're lucky, we may get Pam Anderson showing up to protest wearing one of her lettuce bikinis
 
#juan
#6
I don't want to contribute to anything that might cause the death of even more elephants.

The best steak in the world is a 11/4" ribeye steak cooked by me. Cooked to a perfect medium rare, and served with perfectly done new potatoes the size of marbles, and baby carrots along with a tossed green salad........My choice of salad dressing would be Blue Cheese.
The wine would be a Cabernet Sauvignon.

Use a touch of that Cabernet to deglaze the pan. Pour the deglazing juice over the steak after reducing a bit.


 
karrie
#7
Quote: Originally Posted by #juan View Post

.......My choice of salad dressing would be Blue Cheese.

ya know, the last time hubby and I went out for supper, we went to the Keg. And while I'm not normally a huge fan of their steaks, a $100 gift certificate meant that's where we were going.

Hubby had a blue cheese crusted fillet mignon. OMG was that ever a delicious steak. Cut like butter. I want to figure out how to make the cheese crust they used. Yum.
 
#juan
#8
Your wish is my command.....

I have made blue cheese-crusted steak. I just prefer my steak au natural......though I have been known to put a large slab of blue cheese on the steak plate so I can have a hunk of blue cheese with each bite.........Has to be really good blue cheese. though.......

Here's basically the recipe that I've used

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/108816
 
lone wolf
#9
We aren't talking white rhino and humpback surf 'n' turf here are we?

Woof!
 
L Gilbert
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by missile View Post

To really offend the veggies, try a nice large hunk of dolphin steak. If we're lucky, we may get Pam Anderson showing up to protest wearing one of her lettuce bikinis

hehehe
Perhaps we could BBQ up a Pam Anderson. I am sure Hannibal could give us a few pointers on cuisine au yick.
I think we should stick to stuff we can grow and nevermind the at risk, endangered, etc. critters.
 
MikeyDB
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by #juan View Post

I don't want to contribute to anything that might cause the death of even more elephants.

The best steak in the world is a 11/4" ribeye steak cooked by me. Cooked to a perfect medium rare, and served with perfectly done new potatoes the size of marbles, and baby carrots along with a tossed green salad........My choice of salad dressing would be Blue Cheese.
The wine would be a Cabernet Sauvignon.

Use a touch of that Cabernet to deglaze the pan. Pour the deglazing juice over the steak after reducing a bit.

Juan....

Although I live in the backwoods of Southern Ontario, I'm pretty sure that we have service by UPS and CanPar...

Just let me know when you're sending me this lovely sounding dinner and I'll make sure I don't miss the courier....

I'm not familiar with that one term though....

Steak

Steak

Is that like the ones in my freezer? They're about seven inches long round and are frequently wrapped in bread and consumed with mustard and relish.....

 
#juan
#12
You might be confusing what we are talking about with a "tube steak" which is no relation to a rib eye steak............Indeed, it is no relation to any meat that I know of. I think Mikey, to get one of my steaks, you have to travel to Vancouver Island
 
boiler
#13
Juan, As I live in the Uk, does that mean I have to travel all that way just to try a steak, can't you airmail me one, wrapped in foil to keep it hot and fresh??
 
#juan
#14
Quote: Originally Posted by boiler View Post

Juan, As I live in the Uk, does that mean I have to travel all that way just to try a steak, can't you airmail me one, wrapped in foil to keep it hot and fresh??

I don't think it would survive the Canadian postal service. They have a general policy of breaking a parcel to see if they can. We once had a parcel delivered that was actually bent double. I think the mistake was the sender putting "FRAGILE" signs all over it. The post office is undergoing the same evolution as most other government departments.......They hire people with half the I.Q. for twice the wages.....I'm afraid the steak wouldn't survive the initial sorting here on the island.
 
boiler
#15
So now you tell me I am going to miss out on the best steak ever, and there was me drooling so much I filled the swimming pool.
 
#juan
#16
boiler

You're just going to have to pan-broil your own steak. I hate to think what a steak might be like if it was kept warm for 14 to 18 hours depending on flight connections. Good luck..

http://www.thatsmyhome.com/cattlemans/panbro.htm
 
boiler
#17
Well it should be tender and well travelled, I wnt to "your" home and thought if that's the way you do it I will order one now!! and get dessert from www.gardeningforyou.com (and that's mine!!
 
#juan
#18
boiler

My home page is suffering from neglect these days. I put it together when we moved to Gabriola Island from the mainland. Here is the link: http://members.shaw.ca/toad_stool/index.htm
I now live in Nanaimo , which is on the big island.
 
Ron in Regina
#19
Quote: Originally Posted by missile View Post

To really offend the veggies, try a nice large hunk of dolphin steak. If we're lucky, we may get Pam Anderson showing up to protest wearing one of her lettuce bikinis


Ya' know....I've had dolphin steaks, and I really wasn't impressed.

They look and chew like pork steaks (these were fried), but you
sure knew they came from the ocean due to the aroma and taste.

I guess it might be one of those "aquired taste" things, and one
large steak was more than enough for me for one life time.

Sorry 'bout the necro-Thread thing here....but I'm making steaks
(good food base to soak up the New Years Eve booze) and was
looking for some ideas....
 
Cannuck
#20
Quote: Originally Posted by Ron in Regina View Post

.... I'm making steaks
(good food base to soak up the New Years Eve booze) and was
looking for some ideas....

I need something like that...tee hee hee