RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Forget Greenland. Why doesn't Donald Trump buy Great Britain?
By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
19 Aug 2019
Would being an American state be worse than being an EU one?
Donald Trump loves a deal. Hotels, casinos, golf courses, even small countries if the price is right.
The President’s latest grand scheme is to buy Greenland from Denmark. It makes sense.
Greenland is geographically part of the North American continent, situated strategically between the Atlantic and the Arctic.
There’s already a significant U.S. military presence, part of a global network of early warning systems.
Greenland also has a wealth of unexploited natural resources, including rare metals, oil and gas.
So Trump thinks it’s only logical to buy the whole island, lock, stock and smoked whale meat. Essentially, the President confirmed on Sunday, it would just be a ‘large real estate deal’.
Under the American flag, the 56,000 residents would continue to enjoy just as much autonomy as they do under Danish jurisdiction.
But despite the fact that they could also look forward to a much higher standard of living, they are adamant that Trump’s offer is one they can afford to refuse.
The President doesn’t seem unduly bothered, but he’s always on the lookout for the next big deal. May I, then, suggest that he sets his sights much, much higher and makes a bid for Britain instead?
Why not? With the pound plummeting towards parity with the dollar, Britain has never been better value.
Last time anyone looked, the net worth of the United Kingdom was estimated at £10.2 trillion - making it the fifth-richest country after the United States, China, Japan and Germany. Given falling property prices and uncertainty over Brexit, that can probably be revised downwards.
Call it £10 trillion for cash. Trump would bite our hand off. It would be the biggest bargain of all time and wipe out the deficit at a stroke. What’s Greenland got that we haven’t? Apart from polar bears, that is. And ice.
For £10 trillion Trump would be buying himself the world’s fifth biggest economy and fifth strongest military. Our armed forces continue to punch above their weight and, according to recent estimates, are pound for pound more powerful than the mighty Chinese.
The City of London is the world’s greatest financial hub. Combined with Wall Street, the transatlantic behemoth would be invincible. Embittered pro-Europeans would squeal, but they could hardly object to loss of sovereignty, given that they want to shackle us in perpetuity to an anti-democratic federal EU superstate.
They certainly have no problem with our laws being made in Europe by foreign politicians and enforced by unaccountable judges. Nor with vast swathes of Britain already being owned by foreign companies and governments — everything from airports and railways to power companies.
We’re letting the communist Chinese build our next generation telecoms system and even talking about flogging off what’s left of British Steel to the Turkish army pension fund. Who thought that was a good idea?
London’s high-end property market is dominated by Arab sheiks, Russian oligarchs and assorted kleptocrats. So what possible objection could there be to throwing in our lot with a friendly foreign country — indeed, our closest allies?
Critics complain that it would mean us becoming the 51st State of the U.S. True, but why is that any worse than being a vassal state of the EU?
For a start, we wouldn’t be 51st State in terms of influence. We would immediately become the largest, by population, ahead of California. U.S. states have far more independence from Washington than EU members have from Brussels and Strasbourg. Indeed, your average small town mayor in America has more power than most British Cabinet ministers.
Just think of some of the other advantages. We’d immediately become self-sufficient in energy. The U.S. is now a net exporter of oil and leads the world in shale gas extraction. Under Trump, we too could start fracking on an industrial scale.
There’d be no need to negotiate a post-Brexit trade deal with the U.S, since we’d have automatic, unrestricted access to the world’s biggest market, 360 million people on top of our 66 million.
Far from trying to mete out a punishment beating and stopping us exporting to Europe, the EU would beat a path to our door, begging us to do business with them. And you can bet Trump would drive a hard bargain.
Any French fisherman threatening to cut up rough over quotas would quickly think again if he thought aggressive action would be met with swift retaliation from the U.S. Second Fleet, steaming up and down the Channel on fisheries protection duty, bristling with the latest deadly weaponry.
You can forget all this nonsense about the Irish backstop, too. Once we were webbed up with Washington, Lenny Verruca would be on the blower from Dublin, desperate to get in on the act, pronto.
It would also be make-your-mind-up time for Wee Burney and her SNP gang. They could either get with the programme, and let Trump turn Scotland into a giant golf resort, or opt to become an impoverished outpost of a crumbling, corrupt European technocracy.
My guess is that they’d plump for Trump Holyrood.
As for the Americans, they love the royals and would probably invite Her Maj to be honorary Joint Head of State — that is, until Meghan Markle was ready to run for the White House.
Of course, Boris could beat Meghan to it. He was born in New York and is therefore qualified to stand for the Presidency. World King beckons at last.
I started writing this as a joke, but the more I think about it, the more it appeals. What’s not to like?
The UK and the U.S. share a common language and America’s legal system is based on English common law. The ties that bind are far stronger than any allegiance we are told we owe to an often hostile Continental Europe.
Trump has only ever offered us friendship, free trade and support for Brexit, unlike our so-called European ‘partners’ who seek to humiliate us at every opportunity.
So come on down, Donald. Make us a deal and make it straight.
And if anyone doesn’t like it, I’m told Greenland is very nice at this time of year.