ABC of "Elf and Safety" killjoys


Barmaids ... the EU tried
to ban barmaids from wearing skimpy tops

ABC of 'Elf and Safety' killjoys

July 25, 2007
The Sun

TO coincide with the start of the summer holidays, killjoy “Elf & Safety” chiefs from the Institute of Sports and Recreation Management have banned some public swimming pools from giving out arm bands and rubber rings – fearing the spread of infection. Here SAMANTHA WOSTEAR brings you an A-Z of crazy clampdowns.

A is for ARM BANDS: Bournemouth councillors have banned pools giving out the aid in case infection is transferred through the air nozzle.

B is for BARMAIDS: The EU tried to ban busty barmaids from wearing skimpy tops in case they got sunburn when they went outside to serve drinks or collect glasses.

C is for CONKERS: The traditional playground game was banished when it was deemed too dangerous.

D is for DINNER: Fed-up Camden councillors banned traditional coal barbecues at a fete in case of accidents.

E is for EAR PLUGS: The MoD ordered all their band members to wear ear plugs to prevent former soldiers taking legal action against the Army, claiming their hearing had been impaired.

Toast ... playgroup in Rotherham banned
from serving tea and toast in case of burns

F is for FIREMEN’S POLES: Poles were banned in fire stations because firemen might chafe their hands and thighs.

G is for GUY FAWKES NIGHT: Officials at Ilfracombe Rugby Club banned the traditional bonfire night celebrations.

H is for HANGING BASKETS: Suffolk councillors turfed them out in case they fell from lamp-posts and injured the public.

I is for INTIMACY: The head teacher at Callington Community College in Cornwall ordered pupils to stop hugging each other, saying “victims” could be hugged against their will.

J is for JUMP: Councillors in Fife banned bouncy castles because of the number of children who were injuring themselves.

K is for KITE: Fylde councillors put a ban on stunt kites after a member of the public was injured.

L is for LOO ROLL HOLDERS: Germs lurking on bathroom furnishings inspired Sheffield civil service chiefs to issue an alert urging staff to take extra care on lav breaks.

M is for MISTLETOE: A union guide advised managers not to put up any mistletoe in case it encouraged sexual harassment at Christmas parties.

Jump ... councillors in Fife banned bouncy castles

N is for NURSERY: Nurseries were banned from putting plasters on children in case they suffered an allergic reaction.

O is for OBESITY: Trolleys and lifting equipment must be used to carry heavy corpses in case pallbearers injure themselves.

P is for PLAYING FOOTBALL: No sign of footie fever in Leicestershire, where councillors branded kick-abouts a danger to the public and threatened to fine offenders 100.

Q is for QUALIFIED: The BBC have banned staff from changing lightbulbs – they have to call in workers qualified for the job, at a rumoured cost of 10 a bulb.

R is for RACE: A bath tub race held for charity every year for 35 years was axed in Shoreham, East Sussex, due to concerns over safety.

S is for SLING-SHOT: Catapults can now only be sold as part of fishing tackle, in case anyone is hurt with one.

T is for TEA AND TOAST: Playgroup mums in Rotherham were banned from serving tea and toast in case anyone was scalded or burned.

U is for UNIFORM: A Stockport head teacher ordered pupils to wear clip-on ties to avoid strangulation.

V is for VETERANS: Old soldiers in North Yorkshire were told their marches could not go ahead unless they took out public liability insurance and organised stewards in fluorescent jackets to police the route.

W is for WATER: Almost half of all school children have been banned from playing with water in case it becomes contaminated.

X is for X-RAY: Some students go through detectors to ensure they are not carrying weapons.

Y is for YO-YO: At least two cautious head teachers have banned these “dangerous” toys.

Z is for ZZZZZ: Firemen are allowed a three-hour rest on a 15-hour night shift, but are not supposed to nod off in case it causes an accident when they wake to respond to a 999.
And I thought all the capitals of political correctness were in Canada. How stupid of me. How do you people make it through a day there? When every look might be an ogle, every touch a violation, every trip to the loo a flood and every attempt to have fun a litigation.
This is the West in 2007. In its twilight.
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