Political correctness, "Green" councils, "diversity", health and safety.....a parody of life in today's Britain by Richard Littlejohn
Roll up for the Much Culling in the Marsh summer show!
7th August 2007
Richard Littlejohn
How long before the Government decides that the foot and mouth outbreak should be seen as an opportunity, not a crisis?
It will enable them to bring forward long-anticipated plans to convert the nation to a wholly vegetarian diet, thus saving the NHS millions in cancer, heart disease, diabetes and obesity treatments.
Furthermore, by slaughtering all cattle, pigs and sheep, we will eliminate up to 50 per cent of flatulent gas emissions, reduce our carbon footprint significantly and enable Britain to meet her commitments under the Kyoto Treaty on climate change.
However, ministers are sensitive to accusations that their policies show a callous disregard for the countryside. The Cabinet has decided therefore that despite the foot and mouth opportunity, traditional agricultural shows should go ahead as normal.
Civil servants are no doubt already drawing up a set of guidelines to help organisers adapt to the new livestock-free environment.
Those who comply will be eligible for grants from the Diversity Fund.
"We now take you over to the Mummerset County Showground, at Much Culling in the Marsh, for the grand opening of the new-look, New Labour Agricultural Fayre.
Due to flooding, the replacement bus service has itself been replaced by a flotilla of dinghies, which will ferry visitors to the event from the roof of the former railway station.
We regret that following the closure of the Much Culling sub post office and tea room, advance tickets are only available via iPhone.
Those who intend to arrive by Land Rover will be subject to a £25 a day 'green' tax, payable to Mr Livingstone, chair of the parish council. This charge will also apply to all contestants in the tractor pull.
The Government hopes to encourage farmers to abandon their gas-guzzling machines and use horse-drawn ploughs and other alternatives. For instance, it takes only 300 Albanian labourers to do the job of one combine harvester.
On arrival, after being sprayed with disinfectant and wading through a sheep dip, visitors will be offered a traditional Full English Breakfast of muesli and soya milk. Freetrade coffee will be supplied by Mrs Starbuck, of the WI.
Don't miss the differently-abled tug-of-peace contest on the playing field behind the Much Culling central mosque.
Highlight of the morning will be a daredevil display of wheel-clamping by the intrepid members of the Mummerset Safety Camera Partnership Formation Towing-Away Team.
Following an intervention by the Much Binding Health and Safety Executive, the Morris Dancing has been cancelled. This is being replaced by a demonstration of basket-weaving and cottaging, brought to you by the Mummerset Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Switchboard.
During the luncheon interval, Mr Cameron will be giving a lecture in the Big Tent and showing slides from his recent holiday in Rwanda. Rotten eggs and tomatoes may be purchased at the main entrance.
Bargain hunters may also be interested in the savings to be made on a wide selection of secondhand luggage, on sale in the British Airways tent.
This afternoon, in the main arena, the sheepdog trials will make way for a heart-stopping exhibition of drive-by shooting, courtesy of the Mummerset Massive.
Once again this year, the show intends to reflect the rich tapestry of the English countryside. We are proud to bring you Polish country dancing and Chinese cockle-picking.
In place of the ploughing contest, members of the Mummerset travelling community will be giving a demonstration of the ancient art of Tarmacking.
No ox-roast this year, due to the ongoing foot and mouth opportunity, but hash cakes and nut cutlets will be available from the soft drugs stand.
Take your seats early for a thrilling re- enactment of the annual pitched battle between the Much Culling Hunt and the Mummerset Saboteurs.
We are grateful to Mr Brown, the Town Clerk, for donating a genuine Camp David leather bomber jacket as a tombola prize.
The Much Culling Boy Scouts will be hosting a vegan buffet and entertaining the crowd with a selection of songs from the Gang Show 2007, including the ever-popular We're Riding Along In A Toyota Prius.
Finally, in a spectacular climax, two doctors from Mummerset Cottage Hospital will drive a 4x4 into the organic beer tent and blow themselves up.
Visitors are reminded that the showground is a no smoking facility. They should also sort their rubbish into several different categories and use the bonsai bins provided. Failure to do so will result in a fine of not less than £1,000 and having to give a DNA sample.
We thank you for your attendance but regret this will be the last Much Culling Agricultural Fayre, as the Mummerset County Showground has been sold to developers for starter homes and a new secure unit for failed asylum seekers.
Don't forget to dip your feet on the way out.
dailymail.co.uk
Roll up for the Much Culling in the Marsh summer show!
7th August 2007
Richard Littlejohn
How long before the Government decides that the foot and mouth outbreak should be seen as an opportunity, not a crisis?
It will enable them to bring forward long-anticipated plans to convert the nation to a wholly vegetarian diet, thus saving the NHS millions in cancer, heart disease, diabetes and obesity treatments.
Furthermore, by slaughtering all cattle, pigs and sheep, we will eliminate up to 50 per cent of flatulent gas emissions, reduce our carbon footprint significantly and enable Britain to meet her commitments under the Kyoto Treaty on climate change.
However, ministers are sensitive to accusations that their policies show a callous disregard for the countryside. The Cabinet has decided therefore that despite the foot and mouth opportunity, traditional agricultural shows should go ahead as normal.
Civil servants are no doubt already drawing up a set of guidelines to help organisers adapt to the new livestock-free environment.
Those who comply will be eligible for grants from the Diversity Fund.
"We now take you over to the Mummerset County Showground, at Much Culling in the Marsh, for the grand opening of the new-look, New Labour Agricultural Fayre.
Due to flooding, the replacement bus service has itself been replaced by a flotilla of dinghies, which will ferry visitors to the event from the roof of the former railway station.
We regret that following the closure of the Much Culling sub post office and tea room, advance tickets are only available via iPhone.
Those who intend to arrive by Land Rover will be subject to a £25 a day 'green' tax, payable to Mr Livingstone, chair of the parish council. This charge will also apply to all contestants in the tractor pull.
The Government hopes to encourage farmers to abandon their gas-guzzling machines and use horse-drawn ploughs and other alternatives. For instance, it takes only 300 Albanian labourers to do the job of one combine harvester.
On arrival, after being sprayed with disinfectant and wading through a sheep dip, visitors will be offered a traditional Full English Breakfast of muesli and soya milk. Freetrade coffee will be supplied by Mrs Starbuck, of the WI.
Don't miss the differently-abled tug-of-peace contest on the playing field behind the Much Culling central mosque.
Highlight of the morning will be a daredevil display of wheel-clamping by the intrepid members of the Mummerset Safety Camera Partnership Formation Towing-Away Team.
Following an intervention by the Much Binding Health and Safety Executive, the Morris Dancing has been cancelled. This is being replaced by a demonstration of basket-weaving and cottaging, brought to you by the Mummerset Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Switchboard.
During the luncheon interval, Mr Cameron will be giving a lecture in the Big Tent and showing slides from his recent holiday in Rwanda. Rotten eggs and tomatoes may be purchased at the main entrance.
Bargain hunters may also be interested in the savings to be made on a wide selection of secondhand luggage, on sale in the British Airways tent.
This afternoon, in the main arena, the sheepdog trials will make way for a heart-stopping exhibition of drive-by shooting, courtesy of the Mummerset Massive.
Once again this year, the show intends to reflect the rich tapestry of the English countryside. We are proud to bring you Polish country dancing and Chinese cockle-picking.
In place of the ploughing contest, members of the Mummerset travelling community will be giving a demonstration of the ancient art of Tarmacking.
No ox-roast this year, due to the ongoing foot and mouth opportunity, but hash cakes and nut cutlets will be available from the soft drugs stand.
Take your seats early for a thrilling re- enactment of the annual pitched battle between the Much Culling Hunt and the Mummerset Saboteurs.
We are grateful to Mr Brown, the Town Clerk, for donating a genuine Camp David leather bomber jacket as a tombola prize.
The Much Culling Boy Scouts will be hosting a vegan buffet and entertaining the crowd with a selection of songs from the Gang Show 2007, including the ever-popular We're Riding Along In A Toyota Prius.
Finally, in a spectacular climax, two doctors from Mummerset Cottage Hospital will drive a 4x4 into the organic beer tent and blow themselves up.
Visitors are reminded that the showground is a no smoking facility. They should also sort their rubbish into several different categories and use the bonsai bins provided. Failure to do so will result in a fine of not less than £1,000 and having to give a DNA sample.
We thank you for your attendance but regret this will be the last Much Culling Agricultural Fayre, as the Mummerset County Showground has been sold to developers for starter homes and a new secure unit for failed asylum seekers.
Don't forget to dip your feet on the way out.
dailymail.co.uk