SWAGs (Soldiers' Wives And Girlfriends) get together online
... While their o/h (other halves) are at war
By KITTY DIMBLEBY
21st July 2007
Daily Mail
As casualties in Iraq mount inexorably, The Mail on Sunday discovers how, just as in 1914 and 1939, the women left behind have found a way of comforting each other...this time using 21st Century technology
We talk about everything: the weather, Big Brother, shopping, boyfriends, work and family. Just like any group of women we turn to one another when we need a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with. During the past few months these women have become my friends, my allies. I turn to them more than anyone else. Not unusual you might think. But the thing is, we have never even met.
I don't know any of their full names, ages or where they live, but none of that matters. We all have one huge thing in common: a man (or woman) we love is serving abroad in the British Army. We meet every day to talk and support one another in a virtual world – a chatroom on the internet.
Precious time: Kitty and Ed pose for a snap together on safari
I stumbled across the room by accident. It is part of a larger site, www.ebluey.com, set up and funded by the Army to enable serving personnel to communicate with their families.
The site was created at the time of the first Iraq war and allows its members to write proper letters to their loved ones, which, thanks to internet wizardry, can be received within 24 hours.
The member writes the letter on the site in the way they might write an email, but once it is received by the British Forces Post Office (BFPO) it is printed, sealed and delivered to the soldier.
It is used by people in, and connected to, the Forces on a huge scale. Since the start of 2007, no fewer than 1,168,000 people have visited the website and on an average day there are many thousands using it.
My boyfriend is a Cavalry officer a few months into a seven-month tour of duty in Iraq. I write to him most days. The e-bluey system is a lifesaver, keeping morale for the troops high and making us back home feel connected to the ones we love.
Desert storm: Kitty's boyfriend on duty in Iraq
But the site goes even further; there's advice, links to shopping sites that will send parcels to the men and women, a board to post general messages of support to all members of the forces in Afghanistan and Iraq – and the chatroom, where the SWAGs support one another through the highs and lows of having a partner in a war zone.
There are mothers and sisters on there, too, even the occasional husband, all there to help one another. It is widely used – the chatroom receives up to 1,000 visitors a day and since the beginning of 2007, more than 118,000 people have logged on.
Some people write using their full name, others a nickname or even initials. I write under the name kate641, the 641 standing for the BFPO address of where my boyfriend is posted. The board is censored to a point – to protect the men, we don't talk about where exactly they are and dates of travel.
One of the big things about the site is that no one mentions rank. So a squaddie's wife might give advice to a captain's girlfriend – age, class and background don't matter here. Some write in long articulate sentences, some in text-speak. Anything goes. The site fulfils a role that nothing else can.
It creates a place where we can – anonymously – come for advice, to rant, to rave and, of course, sometimes to grieve. We are all part of one big family and understand what the other family members are going through in a way no one else can.
I don't post that often, but find reading every day a huge support. Days after my boyfriend Ed left, I posted a message on the site asking for advice about sending packages out.
I had no idea what I should put in them or even how much it would cost. Within minutes the girls got back to me.
'Sweets and dried fruit are always good,' advised Emma. 'You can only send 2kg at a time and it costs £7,' warned Jude. 'My o/h [shorthand for other half] likes joke toys, anything to make them laugh. I sent an electric-shock pen from eBay that he and others loved,' wrote Sarah.
'Don't send anything that might explode in an unpressurised cabin,' Laura 641 told me just in time – I removed a cool misting spray from Ed's package.
The 'oldies' on the board (the ones with loved ones nearing the end of their tour) welcome 'newbies' (those at the start) each day. They are a mine of information and no question is too small.
Last week one 'newbie' – Pat – wrote: 'Hi there, just wanted to chat because my boyfriend is in Iraq and none of my family and friends can understand the stress and worry that is going through my mind.'
Jude, an 'oldie', responds on behalf of the whole board: 'U have def found peeps that understand, we R a lovely lot 2 chat with. Makes it easier – we talk about ups & downs and general fun. Also any questions, whether big or small just ask, U R bound 2 get it sorted or given advice.'
And she is right. From how to contact Army welfare to the best kind of bikini wax to go for – everything is asked and answered.
Lara792 writes in panic because her phone call to her o/h was cut off mid flow. Nic reassures: 'He probably just ran out of money on his phone card, don't panic.'
Sarah says: 'Maybe communications just went down. It happens all the time – don't worry!!'
The question may not have been mine but the advice I take to heart – there is nothing more upsetting when, halfway through a precious, echoey phone call, Ed suddenly disappears. Logic tells you not to worry but your heart leaps into your mouth.
When news of an 'incident' leaks, the site goes mad. 'Has anyone heard from 641? I've heard there have been casualties and haven't heard from my boyfriend – I am so worried,' writes Jem. 'Don't worry,' Sharon responds, 'I spoke to mine earlier, comms [communications] are down.'
We all know that family is contacted first with any bad news but that doesn't stop you feeling sick with worry when there is news of a death or injury. Two Saturdays ago, I sat glued to BBC News after three men were killed in Basra.
I needed confirmation of their regiments. Logic told me it was not Ed – he is not even in Basra at the moment, but you panic. What if it was him?
When the names of the regiments finally appeared on the screen I was able to breathe again – none of the men who died were from my boyfriend's regiment. It wasn't him. It wasn't one of his men.
But as soon as the relief washes over, the guilt and grief set in. It may not have been my Ed but it was someone's boyfriend or husband, son, brother and friend and I can imagine only too well how the world of his family and friends is now being torn apart.
The board reflects this. 'RIP my thoughts are with the family and friends of the 4 rifles soldiers killed today,' is one of the dignified responses.
'Oh God, another man has died. I write this crying – that poor boy, his poor family,' is a more emotional one. We all feel it and we all grieve as a community.
Last summer, Rose (a mother) stood out as a leader on the board, always there for advice and offering comfort for the younger women writing in. Then one day she posted: 'The worst has happened, my Paul has been injured.'
Everyone asked for news but Rose did not respond. Two days later I stood frozen in the gym, tears streaming down my face, as Rose talked on Sky News.
Clutching a photo, she told the nation of holding her son Paul in her arms when he died in hospital from his injuries. Anyone watching that would have felt her pain, Army link or not, but for us it brought it home so clearly – it could happen to any one of our boys.
There is laughter on the board, too, uplifting moments when someone hears from their loved one or they come home.
This week Demi made me smile: 'Girls, my fella came home last night!!! Aarrrgghhh what a shock. I had me waxing booked in for Friday so hairy legs!! He's lost sooo much weight. We stayed up talking to 6am – I can't believe he's really here!! I'm over the moon!!'
Everyone on the board celebrates, there is no jealousy, we are happy for each other when there's been a phone call, a letter, even a text. When you are a SWAG the smallest thing can make your day.
Charlie started posting about a month ago. The board was thrilled to have a man on the board, especially one who would write so openly about how much he missed his wife. He seemed too good to be true and he was.
It soon transpired that Charlie was a woman, married to a female soldier. She spoke openly about finding it hard to be accepted as a lesbian couple by some families living near her.
Sally spoke for the entire board when she wrote: 'Who cares if you are a woman married to a woman, you are missing someone you love like all of us on this board. Good for you and your wife for finding one another.'
But it's not all about o/hs: others have battles of their own to fight. Dani792 has recently had an operation without her o/h here to support her. Mary S is going through chemotherapy – she asked the board to post jokes to cheer her up.
She sits in hospital, her o/h in a war zone, and we on the board do our best to hold her hand – even if it is only through the internet.
Luckily for me, I can hold hands with plenty of 'real', flesh and blood SWAGs who support me every day. Our o/hs are in the same regiment, so Zoe, Cathy and I meet up often for a bottle of wine, a moan and a laugh at our situation. Zoe plans her wedding – only able to speak to her fiancé once a week. Cathy has spent her third birthday in a row without a kiss from her boyfriend. And me? Well I miss Ed so much it hurts, but we SWAGs have no choice other than to just get on with it, keep our chins up and be strong. I write to Ed, send parcels, always sound cheery during the longed-for weekly phone call, and am comforted each day by the inspirational women I have met, virtually, through the chatroom.
Demi, whose boyfriend returned this week, sums it up: 'I just wanna say thank-you soo much to all the girls who have kept me sane!! Too many to mention. To everyone new – I have made fantastic, lifelong, friends on here, I hope you do too and you can get through this. I'm still here for you all 100% xxx'
Well, I couldn't put it better myself.
l Names have been changed.
dailymail.co.uk
... While their o/h (other halves) are at war
By KITTY DIMBLEBY
21st July 2007
Daily Mail
As casualties in Iraq mount inexorably, The Mail on Sunday discovers how, just as in 1914 and 1939, the women left behind have found a way of comforting each other...this time using 21st Century technology
We talk about everything: the weather, Big Brother, shopping, boyfriends, work and family. Just like any group of women we turn to one another when we need a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with. During the past few months these women have become my friends, my allies. I turn to them more than anyone else. Not unusual you might think. But the thing is, we have never even met.
I don't know any of their full names, ages or where they live, but none of that matters. We all have one huge thing in common: a man (or woman) we love is serving abroad in the British Army. We meet every day to talk and support one another in a virtual world – a chatroom on the internet.
Precious time: Kitty and Ed pose for a snap together on safari
I stumbled across the room by accident. It is part of a larger site, www.ebluey.com, set up and funded by the Army to enable serving personnel to communicate with their families.
The site was created at the time of the first Iraq war and allows its members to write proper letters to their loved ones, which, thanks to internet wizardry, can be received within 24 hours.
The member writes the letter on the site in the way they might write an email, but once it is received by the British Forces Post Office (BFPO) it is printed, sealed and delivered to the soldier.
It is used by people in, and connected to, the Forces on a huge scale. Since the start of 2007, no fewer than 1,168,000 people have visited the website and on an average day there are many thousands using it.
My boyfriend is a Cavalry officer a few months into a seven-month tour of duty in Iraq. I write to him most days. The e-bluey system is a lifesaver, keeping morale for the troops high and making us back home feel connected to the ones we love.
Desert storm: Kitty's boyfriend on duty in Iraq
But the site goes even further; there's advice, links to shopping sites that will send parcels to the men and women, a board to post general messages of support to all members of the forces in Afghanistan and Iraq – and the chatroom, where the SWAGs support one another through the highs and lows of having a partner in a war zone.
There are mothers and sisters on there, too, even the occasional husband, all there to help one another. It is widely used – the chatroom receives up to 1,000 visitors a day and since the beginning of 2007, more than 118,000 people have logged on.
Some people write using their full name, others a nickname or even initials. I write under the name kate641, the 641 standing for the BFPO address of where my boyfriend is posted. The board is censored to a point – to protect the men, we don't talk about where exactly they are and dates of travel.
One of the big things about the site is that no one mentions rank. So a squaddie's wife might give advice to a captain's girlfriend – age, class and background don't matter here. Some write in long articulate sentences, some in text-speak. Anything goes. The site fulfils a role that nothing else can.
It creates a place where we can – anonymously – come for advice, to rant, to rave and, of course, sometimes to grieve. We are all part of one big family and understand what the other family members are going through in a way no one else can.
I don't post that often, but find reading every day a huge support. Days after my boyfriend Ed left, I posted a message on the site asking for advice about sending packages out.
I had no idea what I should put in them or even how much it would cost. Within minutes the girls got back to me.
'Sweets and dried fruit are always good,' advised Emma. 'You can only send 2kg at a time and it costs £7,' warned Jude. 'My o/h [shorthand for other half] likes joke toys, anything to make them laugh. I sent an electric-shock pen from eBay that he and others loved,' wrote Sarah.
'Don't send anything that might explode in an unpressurised cabin,' Laura 641 told me just in time – I removed a cool misting spray from Ed's package.
The 'oldies' on the board (the ones with loved ones nearing the end of their tour) welcome 'newbies' (those at the start) each day. They are a mine of information and no question is too small.
Last week one 'newbie' – Pat – wrote: 'Hi there, just wanted to chat because my boyfriend is in Iraq and none of my family and friends can understand the stress and worry that is going through my mind.'
Jude, an 'oldie', responds on behalf of the whole board: 'U have def found peeps that understand, we R a lovely lot 2 chat with. Makes it easier – we talk about ups & downs and general fun. Also any questions, whether big or small just ask, U R bound 2 get it sorted or given advice.'
And she is right. From how to contact Army welfare to the best kind of bikini wax to go for – everything is asked and answered.
Lara792 writes in panic because her phone call to her o/h was cut off mid flow. Nic reassures: 'He probably just ran out of money on his phone card, don't panic.'
Sarah says: 'Maybe communications just went down. It happens all the time – don't worry!!'
The question may not have been mine but the advice I take to heart – there is nothing more upsetting when, halfway through a precious, echoey phone call, Ed suddenly disappears. Logic tells you not to worry but your heart leaps into your mouth.
When news of an 'incident' leaks, the site goes mad. 'Has anyone heard from 641? I've heard there have been casualties and haven't heard from my boyfriend – I am so worried,' writes Jem. 'Don't worry,' Sharon responds, 'I spoke to mine earlier, comms [communications] are down.'
We all know that family is contacted first with any bad news but that doesn't stop you feeling sick with worry when there is news of a death or injury. Two Saturdays ago, I sat glued to BBC News after three men were killed in Basra.
I needed confirmation of their regiments. Logic told me it was not Ed – he is not even in Basra at the moment, but you panic. What if it was him?
When the names of the regiments finally appeared on the screen I was able to breathe again – none of the men who died were from my boyfriend's regiment. It wasn't him. It wasn't one of his men.
But as soon as the relief washes over, the guilt and grief set in. It may not have been my Ed but it was someone's boyfriend or husband, son, brother and friend and I can imagine only too well how the world of his family and friends is now being torn apart.
The board reflects this. 'RIP my thoughts are with the family and friends of the 4 rifles soldiers killed today,' is one of the dignified responses.
'Oh God, another man has died. I write this crying – that poor boy, his poor family,' is a more emotional one. We all feel it and we all grieve as a community.
Last summer, Rose (a mother) stood out as a leader on the board, always there for advice and offering comfort for the younger women writing in. Then one day she posted: 'The worst has happened, my Paul has been injured.'
Everyone asked for news but Rose did not respond. Two days later I stood frozen in the gym, tears streaming down my face, as Rose talked on Sky News.
Clutching a photo, she told the nation of holding her son Paul in her arms when he died in hospital from his injuries. Anyone watching that would have felt her pain, Army link or not, but for us it brought it home so clearly – it could happen to any one of our boys.
There is laughter on the board, too, uplifting moments when someone hears from their loved one or they come home.
This week Demi made me smile: 'Girls, my fella came home last night!!! Aarrrgghhh what a shock. I had me waxing booked in for Friday so hairy legs!! He's lost sooo much weight. We stayed up talking to 6am – I can't believe he's really here!! I'm over the moon!!'
Everyone on the board celebrates, there is no jealousy, we are happy for each other when there's been a phone call, a letter, even a text. When you are a SWAG the smallest thing can make your day.
Charlie started posting about a month ago. The board was thrilled to have a man on the board, especially one who would write so openly about how much he missed his wife. He seemed too good to be true and he was.
It soon transpired that Charlie was a woman, married to a female soldier. She spoke openly about finding it hard to be accepted as a lesbian couple by some families living near her.
Sally spoke for the entire board when she wrote: 'Who cares if you are a woman married to a woman, you are missing someone you love like all of us on this board. Good for you and your wife for finding one another.'
But it's not all about o/hs: others have battles of their own to fight. Dani792 has recently had an operation without her o/h here to support her. Mary S is going through chemotherapy – she asked the board to post jokes to cheer her up.
She sits in hospital, her o/h in a war zone, and we on the board do our best to hold her hand – even if it is only through the internet.
Luckily for me, I can hold hands with plenty of 'real', flesh and blood SWAGs who support me every day. Our o/hs are in the same regiment, so Zoe, Cathy and I meet up often for a bottle of wine, a moan and a laugh at our situation. Zoe plans her wedding – only able to speak to her fiancé once a week. Cathy has spent her third birthday in a row without a kiss from her boyfriend. And me? Well I miss Ed so much it hurts, but we SWAGs have no choice other than to just get on with it, keep our chins up and be strong. I write to Ed, send parcels, always sound cheery during the longed-for weekly phone call, and am comforted each day by the inspirational women I have met, virtually, through the chatroom.
Demi, whose boyfriend returned this week, sums it up: 'I just wanna say thank-you soo much to all the girls who have kept me sane!! Too many to mention. To everyone new – I have made fantastic, lifelong, friends on here, I hope you do too and you can get through this. I'm still here for you all 100% xxx'
Well, I couldn't put it better myself.
l Names have been changed.
dailymail.co.uk