Richard Littlejohn brings back his stereotypical Yank news reporters Brit Limey and Chad Hanging and imagines how they would report the upcoming UK General Election on American TV news....
So this is how the Brits run an election? Holy cock-a-leekie! RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines an American view of the Election
By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
21 April 2015
Daily Mail
With the election two weeks away, we cross once again to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, for an American perspective on Britain...
Good morning, America, how are ya? This is your favourite son Chad Hanging with another three hours of news you can use. Things are really hotting up across the jolly old pond. So let's go live to Englandland and our special correspondent Brit Limey.
Good morning, Chad. I'm standing in front of the world-famous Nelson Mandela's Column, in Tahrir Square, London, where the President of Englandland Call Me Dave Cameroon isn't going on a walkabout to meet the voters.
One of the remarkable things about this election, Chad, is that none of the main party leaders wants to meet the people. All except a guy called Nigel Garage, who seems to spend most of his time in the pub
Why not?
One of the remarkable things about this election, Chad, is that none of the main party leaders wants to meet the people. All except a guy called Nigel Garage, who seems to spend most of his time in the pub.
Who's this Garage guy and what are his policies?
He wants an independent Britain, an end to mass immigration, smaller government, lower taxes, a pint of Spitfire, a large Glennmiller chaser and one for yourself.
So he's like a Yew Kay version of the Tea Party?
You could say that, Chad, only Garage has never drunk tea in his life. He prefers adult beverages, like good old English bitter ale, gin and tonic, and red wine. He hates the Nanny State and admires Winston Churchill.
He prefers adult beverages, like good old English bitter ale, gin and tonic, and red wine. He hates the Nanny State and admires Winston Churchill
He's a conservative, then?
I guess so, Chad, or at least he would be in the U.S. Over here he's the leader of Ukip.
What's Yew Kip?
The Yew Kay Independence Party, Chad. They want to live in an independent country.
Are they the outfit who lost that referendum last year?
No, that was the Scotch Nationalists, from Scotlandland.
What's the difference?
Ukip want to take the Yew Kay out of Europe. The Scotch Nuts, as they're known here, want to stay in Europe but become independent of Englandland.
I thought the Scotch people voted against that.
They did, Chad, by 55 per cent to 45 per cent.
Heck, if any candidate for U.S. president got 55 per cent of the vote we'd be calling it a landslide.
You're right, Chad. But the Scotch Nuts just ignored the result and carried on as if nothing had happened.
So they still want their own Parliament?
They've already got that, Chad. And their own health service, education system, legal system and the power to raise or lower their own taxes.
The Scotch Nuts, as they're known here, want to stay in Europe but become independent of Englandland
So what's the problem?
The President of Scotlandland, Nicholas Surgeon, wants to run Englandland, too. She took over from Alice Salmon after they lost the referendum. Salmon seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth.
I take it Surgeon's not a conservative?
She makes Hillary Clinton look like Margaret Thatcher, but without the sense of humor.
So why is this Nicholas Surgeon standing as President of Englandland?
She isn't.
I thought you said she wanted to run Englandland.
She does, Chad, but she's not a candidate in this election. She's not even standing in Scotlandland.
How's that gonna work, then?
Well, it looks as if the Scotch Nuts are going to wipe out Labor in Scotlandland. They could have as many as 50 congressmen in the House of Lords.
Is that enough to form a government?
No, Chad. The Scotch Nuts probably won't get more than five per cent of the total vote in the Yew Kay, but they will hold the balance of power.
Call Me Dave got into bed with the Liberal Democrats, introduced gay marriage, failed to cut immigration as promised and trashed his traditional supporters as fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists
How come?
Because neither Labor nor the Conservatives will have enough congressmen in Englandland to form a government, either.
Why not?
Labor have always needed their Scotch congressmen to win in Englandland. And millions of Conservative voters in Englandland have deserted to Yew Kip.
How did that happen?
Call Me Dave got into bed with the Liberal Democrats, introduced gay marriage, failed to cut immigration as promised and trashed his traditional supporters as fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists. So the conservative vote is split.
But if it means Englandland ends up with a Left-wing Labor President, why doesn't Cameroon sue for peace with Garage? Maybe over a pint of foaming English bitter stout ale.
Ain't gonna happen, Chad. They hate each other.
So what next?
Surgeon says she would support Labor in Englandland and install the Labor leader Steve Millerband as President, even if he loses.
Run that by me again, Brit. So they wipe out Labor in Scotland but support Labor in England?
That's right, Chad.
So who becomes President of Englandland will be determined by a handful of people in Scotlandland? And the guy who actually loses the election is gonna be declared the winner?
Correct.
But that's like letting a few people in Florida decide who becomes President of the U.S.A.
Best not to go there, Chad.
So what does this Nicholas Surgeon want to do when she gets to run Englandland, too?
She wants to raise taxes in Englandland and give the money to people who vote for her in Scotlandland.
And the English are gonna put up with this?
I guess so, Chad. They already give an extra three thousand dollars a head to everyone in Scotlandland. And Englandland sends 15 billion dollars a year in foreign aid to Third World dictators and rich countries like India, even though Englandland is two trillion dollars in debt.
I still don't unerstand how congressmen from Scotlandland can impose their will on Englandland when they've already got their own government.
Nicholas Surgeon says she would support Labor in Englandland and install the Labor leader Steve Millerband as President, even if he loses
Like most things, former President Tony Blair is to blame. He promised the Scotch their own government but still needed their votes to run Englandland. It's called the Heart of Midlothian Question.
What else does Surgeon want to do?
Get rid of Britain's Trident nuclear deterrent.
At a time when the Russkies are on the march, she'd leave the Yew Kay undefended?
That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.
So the Commies could just stroll in and take over?
In Scotlandland, most people wouldn't really notice much difference.
And Steve Millerband is happy to go along with all this, like a puppet on a string?
He pretends not, but when push comes to shove he'll agree to this blackmail if it means he becomes President of Englandland.
So the conservative majority in Englandland will end up with a socialist President who lost the election being supported by the socialist President of Scotlandland who didn't even stand in the election?
In the same way a rope supports a man on the gallows, Chad.
And they have the nerve to criticise the way we run our elections? Holy cock-a-leekie!
So this is how the Brits run an election? Holy cock-a-leekie! RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines an American view of the Election
By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
21 April 2015
Daily Mail
With the election two weeks away, we cross once again to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, for an American perspective on Britain...
Good morning, America, how are ya? This is your favourite son Chad Hanging with another three hours of news you can use. Things are really hotting up across the jolly old pond. So let's go live to Englandland and our special correspondent Brit Limey.
Good morning, Chad. I'm standing in front of the world-famous Nelson Mandela's Column, in Tahrir Square, London, where the President of Englandland Call Me Dave Cameroon isn't going on a walkabout to meet the voters.
One of the remarkable things about this election, Chad, is that none of the main party leaders wants to meet the people. All except a guy called Nigel Garage, who seems to spend most of his time in the pub
Why not?
One of the remarkable things about this election, Chad, is that none of the main party leaders wants to meet the people. All except a guy called Nigel Garage, who seems to spend most of his time in the pub.
Who's this Garage guy and what are his policies?
He wants an independent Britain, an end to mass immigration, smaller government, lower taxes, a pint of Spitfire, a large Glennmiller chaser and one for yourself.
So he's like a Yew Kay version of the Tea Party?
You could say that, Chad, only Garage has never drunk tea in his life. He prefers adult beverages, like good old English bitter ale, gin and tonic, and red wine. He hates the Nanny State and admires Winston Churchill.
He prefers adult beverages, like good old English bitter ale, gin and tonic, and red wine. He hates the Nanny State and admires Winston Churchill
He's a conservative, then?
I guess so, Chad, or at least he would be in the U.S. Over here he's the leader of Ukip.
What's Yew Kip?
The Yew Kay Independence Party, Chad. They want to live in an independent country.
Are they the outfit who lost that referendum last year?
No, that was the Scotch Nationalists, from Scotlandland.
What's the difference?
Ukip want to take the Yew Kay out of Europe. The Scotch Nuts, as they're known here, want to stay in Europe but become independent of Englandland.
I thought the Scotch people voted against that.
They did, Chad, by 55 per cent to 45 per cent.
Heck, if any candidate for U.S. president got 55 per cent of the vote we'd be calling it a landslide.
You're right, Chad. But the Scotch Nuts just ignored the result and carried on as if nothing had happened.
So they still want their own Parliament?
They've already got that, Chad. And their own health service, education system, legal system and the power to raise or lower their own taxes.
The Scotch Nuts, as they're known here, want to stay in Europe but become independent of Englandland
So what's the problem?
The President of Scotlandland, Nicholas Surgeon, wants to run Englandland, too. She took over from Alice Salmon after they lost the referendum. Salmon seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth.
I take it Surgeon's not a conservative?
She makes Hillary Clinton look like Margaret Thatcher, but without the sense of humor.
So why is this Nicholas Surgeon standing as President of Englandland?
She isn't.
I thought you said she wanted to run Englandland.
She does, Chad, but she's not a candidate in this election. She's not even standing in Scotlandland.
How's that gonna work, then?
Well, it looks as if the Scotch Nuts are going to wipe out Labor in Scotlandland. They could have as many as 50 congressmen in the House of Lords.
Is that enough to form a government?
No, Chad. The Scotch Nuts probably won't get more than five per cent of the total vote in the Yew Kay, but they will hold the balance of power.
Call Me Dave got into bed with the Liberal Democrats, introduced gay marriage, failed to cut immigration as promised and trashed his traditional supporters as fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists
How come?
Because neither Labor nor the Conservatives will have enough congressmen in Englandland to form a government, either.
Why not?
Labor have always needed their Scotch congressmen to win in Englandland. And millions of Conservative voters in Englandland have deserted to Yew Kip.
How did that happen?
Call Me Dave got into bed with the Liberal Democrats, introduced gay marriage, failed to cut immigration as promised and trashed his traditional supporters as fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists. So the conservative vote is split.
But if it means Englandland ends up with a Left-wing Labor President, why doesn't Cameroon sue for peace with Garage? Maybe over a pint of foaming English bitter stout ale.
Ain't gonna happen, Chad. They hate each other.
So what next?
Surgeon says she would support Labor in Englandland and install the Labor leader Steve Millerband as President, even if he loses.
Run that by me again, Brit. So they wipe out Labor in Scotland but support Labor in England?
That's right, Chad.
So who becomes President of Englandland will be determined by a handful of people in Scotlandland? And the guy who actually loses the election is gonna be declared the winner?
Correct.
But that's like letting a few people in Florida decide who becomes President of the U.S.A.
Best not to go there, Chad.
So what does this Nicholas Surgeon want to do when she gets to run Englandland, too?
She wants to raise taxes in Englandland and give the money to people who vote for her in Scotlandland.
And the English are gonna put up with this?
I guess so, Chad. They already give an extra three thousand dollars a head to everyone in Scotlandland. And Englandland sends 15 billion dollars a year in foreign aid to Third World dictators and rich countries like India, even though Englandland is two trillion dollars in debt.
I still don't unerstand how congressmen from Scotlandland can impose their will on Englandland when they've already got their own government.
Nicholas Surgeon says she would support Labor in Englandland and install the Labor leader Steve Millerband as President, even if he loses
Like most things, former President Tony Blair is to blame. He promised the Scotch their own government but still needed their votes to run Englandland. It's called the Heart of Midlothian Question.
What else does Surgeon want to do?
Get rid of Britain's Trident nuclear deterrent.
At a time when the Russkies are on the march, she'd leave the Yew Kay undefended?
That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.
So the Commies could just stroll in and take over?
In Scotlandland, most people wouldn't really notice much difference.
And Steve Millerband is happy to go along with all this, like a puppet on a string?
He pretends not, but when push comes to shove he'll agree to this blackmail if it means he becomes President of Englandland.
So the conservative majority in Englandland will end up with a socialist President who lost the election being supported by the socialist President of Scotlandland who didn't even stand in the election?
In the same way a rope supports a man on the gallows, Chad.
And they have the nerve to criticise the way we run our elections? Holy cock-a-leekie!
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