men and women..

[Chiliagon]

Ok.

so I have this issue that I would like to discuss,

so as you all know, I have a "friend" that we hang out with and stuff.. don't need to get into that history all over again..

for the 2nd time now I have had this issue come up that has really ticked me off when a trip is coming up very soon and she is coming with me.

this guy who has been involved with her in a very odd way.. off and on, mostly off. has decided that now that he's single he's going to talk to her again.. this is not it.

back in August, the two of us went camping north of Edmonton for a weekend..

a few days before we went this guy calls her up and asks her "so do you want to go to the football game on Friday?" course she has to decline saying "sorry, i'm going camping" I didn't think much of it then, I was thinking "haha sucker, you lose"

ok so now, almost 2 months later 3 days before our trip to a wedding for a weekend, AGAIN he calls and says "want to come with me to Moncton for the weekend to see the Eskimos Game?" and she had to decline again!

she both times tells me and you can see in her attitude that she's upset because typical, the times she's going somewhere, he contacts her and asks her to do these things.

I'm pissed off because Both times now that I've planned in advance to do these events with her and all is done and ready to go, this guy rears his face in and plants a very irresistable offer to her and she has to turn him down!!

now I know she would have loved to go to Moncton and see this game.. and I'm pissed off because now I am beginning to feel like I'm preventing her from doing this!

Even though this has been planned for some time now! I'm mad because unintentionally he's tried to show me up twice and I start to worry that she is going to resent making the plans with me.. when she could be off with this "guy"

I feel that it's going to possibly become a distraction and I'll be the one who suffers.

like what the hell??

 

[karrie]

She was 'your girlfriend' last time you talked about this. If you feel she'd rather go hang with this guy, stop making plans with her, stop putting her before your family, and stop wasting your energy on her. You're a 32 year old man, these are teenage issues.

 

[Chiliagon]

we're not discussing THAT anymore.. THAT has been fixed.

I'm talking about a guy who's getting on my nerves

 

[karrie]

Chili, your closing statements tell me that she's the issue more than he is (at the risk of head shrinking you). Read your last 4 lines again... they're all about how you're scared she'd rather be with him, and will resent making plans with you.

If you trusted her and your relationship with her, you wouldn't need to worry about this guy.

 

[Chiliagon]

well i know I should be able to yes.

I know that I am going to be the guy who loses out in the end, I've known that for a long time. He's the guy who makes a lot of money, has a nice place.. can afford to travel when he wants to, etc etc.

if I were to try and compare myself I'd get laughed out of the building so fast.

but This is MY time! I made the plans and we have a fun and exciting weekend to look forward to. I know he wasn't aware of it ahead of time so he didn't do this on purpose but now I feel like a jerk in a way.

 

[karrie]

Chili, if you're doing what you can for her, giving her your time, attention, etc., then you're plenty good. If you're spending the weekend thinking that she can do better, then she'll probably eventually want better... it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Chiliagon]

ya I will do what I was going to do anyways, that won't change.. but I'm just afraid in the back of my mind.. that will be there.

how do I get it out?

 

[karrie]

ya I will do what I was going to do anyways, that won't change.. but I'm just afraid in the back of my mind.. that will be there.

how do I get it out?

I'd suggest therapy. And I don't mean that as a jab, or a dismissal. If you have worries like that, active work toward nipping them in the bud, removing the barriers to being who you deserve to be, is the only thing I can recommend.

 

[Chiliagon]

yea. my biggest concern Karrie is that she's not going to be totally focused on this weekend like she has been for the last month. like her attitude will be different now and something will be distracting.

I am really hoping that she is capable of blocking it out and focusing on me and the weekend and so be it.

 

[TenPenny]

Obviously, she tells him when she's going away, and he pulls stuff like this because he's interested in her and jealous of her doing stuff with you.

You need to decide what you want your relationship with her to be.

 

[lone wolf]

What's with all the drama? If you're not comfortable enough to speak with her about things, them maybe it just isn't right. You have to have some confidence in yourself before you'll have any in anyone else.

 

[Chiliagon]

I dunno if that's the case. cause her reaction appears genuine.

she will not cancel out on me, cause she knows what that will do.

I'm just concerned that her focus will not be all there.

What's with all the drama? If you're not comfortable enough to speak with her about things, them maybe it just isn't right. You have to have some confidence in yourself before you'll have any in anyone else.

she and I have no future together as far as a relationship is concerned, we've been good friends for some time now and we planned the weekend to be fun, a little play time, drinking and dancing, etc.. it is a wedding afterall.

all I know is the second I saw the message about him inviting her to Moncton, I was like "what the hell? now she'll feel bad or upset because once again she can't go"

 

[Goober]

yea. my biggest concern Karrie is that she's not going to be totally focused on this weekend like she has been for the last month. like her attitude will be different now and something will be distracting.

I am really hoping that she is capable of blocking it out and focusing on me and the weekend and so be it.

As karrie stated - a self fulfilling prophecy - Will she be disinterested or is it just your lack of confidence in the relationship that makes that thought lay on you mind all day - and yes it will affect how you enjoy the weekend - It will exhibit itself in various ways - some not good - some not so bad - but it will.

If you know that you are going to lose out in the end - why are you there - Is she not with you because of you - I think she know what this fellow is like and clearly what games he plays.

Perhaps she is with you because you do not play those games and offer her more than the material. Did you consider that?

But I am not as familiar as others are with your relationship and some issues you have. So i could be completely off the mark here.

 

[Chiliagon]

well our relationship hasn't been a romantic - Loving kinda relationship for a year and a half now.. we're close friends with a side. this guy has been all over the place as far as what he's doing.

eventually I know what's coming so I will bow out to that. I just want him to butt out of our plans.

 

[DurkaDurka]

I dunno if that's the case. cause her reaction appears genuine.

she will not cancel out on me, cause she knows what that will do.

I'm just concerned that her focus will not be all there.



she and I have no future together as far as a relationship is concerned, we've been good friends for some time now and we planned the weekend to be fun, a little play time, drinking and dancing, etc.. it is a wedding afterall.

all I know is the second I saw the message about him inviting her to Moncton, I was like "what the hell? now she'll feel bad or upset because once again she can't go"

Honestly, if you do not see a future with her, remove your self from the relationship or whatever you call it.

If I was in your situation, I would drive down by my self and bring a trashy hooker to the wedding.

 

[Chiliagon]

well i'm not you. I won't abandon her because of it. she's totally committed to this event physically, I'm just hoping she will be mentally too.

 

[DurkaDurka]

well i'm not you. I won't abandon her because of it. she's totally committed to this event physically, I'm just hoping she will be mentally too.

You sound like a confused chap.

You realize that she will continue to talk to and probably have sex with other men unless you two have some kind of commitment?

Why would you want someone to join you who's only committed physically? You make her sound like a mannequin or a Real Doll

 

[Chiliagon]

no, I just want her committed fully to the event we are going to. I don't want her to be distracted, thinking about the guy or the future.

 

[Cliffy]

It sounds like a self confidence issue to me. You feel inadequate to the other guy who has much more disposable income. It looks like that has always been the barrier to a committed relationship. If at 32 you don't feel comfortable in your own skin, then Karrie's advice to seek help is a good one. Worrying about her having doubts about her choices is a self confidence issue. It has nothing to do with her. If you don't get that straightened out, you will never have what you are looking for.

 

[Chiliagon]

ya you are probably right. I feel that my current situation in life prevents me from gaining any ground.