Doing the right thing

[triedit]

I seem to have a problem. I do what feels right and it bites me in the butt.

Not long ago I told a friend what I thought she needed to hear. We are no longer friends.
Just before that I befriended someone in the hopes of gaining information to turn on him regarding a legal battle another friend was planning. Over the course of time this person I befriended became a real friend, thus hurting my original friend.

I wouldnt do anything different in either case. I did what I thought (and still think) is right.

But it sure makes me feel lousy for the pain it caused.

Ive made all the explainations and apologies I feel are apropriate and I know I won't get those lost friendships back. I'm ok with that really, as Im not someone who likes having close friends. But I do feel bad for the pain I caused. I don't like hurting other people.

So how do I learn to just keep my mouth shut and stay out of things?

 

[Brat]

You just answered your own question.
You keep your mouth shut and stay out of things.
Doesn't always work though.

 

[Pangloss]

I sort of disagree with Brat: to keep one's mouth shut and stay out of things is to let a friend get way off track. But it's not a bad place to start: Is this any of my business? Am I likely to do good here? What are my reasons for getting involved?

I can't remember the number of times a friend has called me on my bad behaviour or foolish opinions and saved me from hurting myself or worse, another person. A rude, loving friend can be a blessing.

I don't trust people who keep their mouth shut and "mind their own business" and here's why: if I overhear a conversation where a friend is being slandered, I will either interrupt and defend my friend, or I will tell my friend what was said. If a friend was slandering a friend, then I am even more likely to get involved. I expect that in return.

Feeling bad for causing pain? Good - maybe you will be more empathetic or skillful or subtle the next time you "do the right thing."

Kudos to you for trying, and even more for questioning the efficacy of your actions.

Simply remember to never do anything that you wouldn't want the person effected to know about. Be open and honest, after all, that is what you want from your friends, isn't it?

Pangloss

 

[Unforgiven]

I thought you were big on living with the consequences of your actions?
You hurt people.
They feel bad.
You've made your choice in that.
They just have to deal with that and so do you.

 

[triedit]

Understanding is part of dealing with it.

 

[IdRatherBeSkiing]

Just before that I befriended someone in the hopes of gaining information to turn on him regarding a legal battle another friend was planning. Over the course of time this person I befriended became a real friend, thus hurting my original friend.

To accomplish that requires a degree of emotional detachment which I do not believe you (or most people) possess. I know I don't. But that is why I would never attempt it. The proper answer to that type of question is always "no". Any other answer usually results in trouble.

All you can do is deal with it. What has been done has been done. You need to forget about it an move on. In life, we all make mistakes. The key is to not repeat them.

 

[Unforgiven]

Understanding is part of dealing with it.

I think you understand it perfectly. No shortage of people who tried to explain it to you. I think deep down you like the moment of having a little bit of leverage. But you don't much like the blowback from it especially when someone says something.

 

[SwitSof]

In life, we all make mistakes. The key is to not repeat them.

I reckon part of her question is IF the same or similar thing happens again, should she keep her mouth shut?
Ski, you reckon it's a mistake?

Triedit, I guess the friend who felt hurt at least felt betrayed cause s/he expected a friend to side with him/her and not to side with his/her enemy. But that's more of personal feeling, apart from who is right or wrong in the legal battle. We know our brains can often be clouded by emotions ay.
I got the feeling you feel the other person is on the right side, so you can be the kind of friend to give a wake-up slap for your friend to realise what s/he is doing, if it's wrong you reckon.
I can't help to feel hurt by the slap, but that's me; however, I would appreciate it after I can think better after my cheek isn't red anymore :lol: Or maybe I should be a devoted Catholic and give my other cheek?

 

[SwitSof]

Pangloss

Yesterday, 11:58 PM
Clever Clogs

Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 666

I sort of disagree with Brat: to keep one's mouth shut and stay out of things is to let a friend get way off track. But it's not a bad place to start: Is this any of my business? Am I likely to do good here? What are my reasons for getting involved?

[truncated]

Feeling bad for causing pain? Good - maybe you will be more empathetic or skillful or subtle the next time you "do the right thing."
Kudos to you for trying, and even more for questioning the efficacy of your actions.

A good 666th post, who said it's an evil number?

 

[Pangloss]

Yeah, I dug the number. . .

Pangloss

 

[IdRatherBeSkiing]

Yeah, I dug the number. . .

Pangloss

And now its gone.

 

[Twila]

Most people want to do the "right" thing. But we also want it to turn out good. Sometimes that simply doesn't happen. Sucks, but it's true.

My daughter just recently found a starving old cat. We took her to the vets and under the hospice of the shelter I volunteer for, received a clean bill of health. She's old, has only 1 canine tooth and had been de-clawed (she should NEVER have been let outside). She's a silver persian. Somebody loves her. We post signs, we check with the SPCA and nobody responds.
We've been told that it's a possibility that her owner was elderly and passed away and that their family didn't want to deal with the cat so they let her outside with the hopes that somebody would find her.
That is NOT doing the right thing. We've done the right thing. But we're not getting the reward we'd expected. We expected somebody to respond right away. We hoped to reunite this beautiful cat with her loving owner(s). I'm getting the feeling that she will be living with us for the rest of her life. I hope that's not the case, she deserved a better ending.

 

[Unforgiven]

Most people want to do the "right" thing. But we also want it to turn out good. Sometimes that simply doesn't happen. Sucks, but it's true.

My daughter just recently found a starving old cat. We took her to the vets and under the hospice of the shelter I volunteer for, received a clean bill of health. She's old, has only 1 canine tooth and has been de-clawed. She's a silver persian. Somebody loves her. We post signs, we check with the SPCA and nobody responds.
We've been told that it's a possibility that her owner was elderly and passed away and that their family didn't want to deal with the cat so they let her outside with the hopes that somebody would find her.
That is NOT doing the right thing. We've done the right thing. But we're not getting the reward we'd expected. We expected somebody to respond right away. We hoped to reunite this beautiful cat with her loving owner(s). I'm getting the feeling that she will be living with us for the rest of her life. I hope that's not the case, she deserved a better ending.

Maybe that is the right thing. You don't strike me as an uncompassionate person in the least and there could be worse people for an old cat to spend her last days with. The burden may be upon you but it's those things we remember the most later on and have the tendency to be what builds character.

 

[Twila]

The burden may be upon you but it's those things we remember the most later on and have the tendency to be what builds character.

And I welcome the burden. I just wish she could have gone back to her home, for her sake. She is well loved at our house. But must be confused as to what's happened to her people. And I don't speak cat well enough to make her understand.

 

[Dexter Sinister]

Not long ago I told a friend what I thought she needed to hear. We are no longer friends.

Did she ask you for advice? Do you still think your advice was correct? It's impossible to make a judgment based on that tiny bit of information, but if the answer to both those questions is yes, then I'd say the problem is probably her, not you. If not, well, gratuitous advice of a negative nature is seldom welcome.

Just before that I befriended someone in the hopes of gaining information to turn on him regarding a legal battle another friend was planning.

So your original motive was deceit and manipulation? You can hardly be surprised if that one turns out badly. I'm surprised that guy's still your friend. Does he know what you were originally trying to do? Sounds to me like you haven't quite figured out yet what honesty and 'mind your own business' mean.

 

[Unforgiven]

:walk: I'm going to do the right thing right now.

 

[triedit]

Dex-- You're absolutely correct. In the first case, she didnt exactly ask for it but it was posted on a public forum so I gave my public opinion. And yes, the opinion is still one I hold. I do wish I had handled it differently, but I would absolutely still tell her what I thought.

In the second case, I was helping out a friend who was being tortured by this guy. Absolutely tortured. And through that I was able to come to understand the "torturer" was himself in a bad way and we became friends and he and I are both better for it. He is aware, and completely understands. As for the person I was originally helping get the information--he was hurt pretty badly by my making friends of his enemy, but we've talked it out and things are, while not like they used to be, ok. He's a great guy and understands me.

I think, overall, I should just stick with Brat and keep my mouth shut *grin*

 

[daisygirl]

Did she ask you for advice? Do you still think your advice was correct? It's impossible to make a judgment based on that tiny bit of information, but if the answer to both those questions is yes, then I'd say the problem is probably her, not you. If not, well, gratuitous advice of a negative nature is seldom welcome.

Without getting into dirty laundry and dredging up the past, I will say simply that no, the person had not asked for advice and had indeed just attempted suicide. This had not been made public on any board but was told privately only to triedit when she (triedit) returned from a trip to the States. There were several factors involved but triedit chose not to listen to any of them and instead started saying things to the person that almost pushed her over the edge again. There was no advice given, just criticism and it was all said in private. Triedit knew that she was upsetting the person but continued until the person said she just couldn't take anymore and that a friend wouldn't say things like she was saying and that the friendship should be ended.

For that person's sake, since she is still in a state of extreme depression, I would suggest that this part of the discussion be ended.

 

[Zzarchov]

In my Experience people who complain they tried to do the right thing usually haven't.

If you do the right thing you move on and stop being weighed down with it as a rule. If it still bothers you its usually because you know deep down you deliberately didn't do the right thing, possibley from fear or other selfish motiviations (From greed to malice).

 

[Unforgiven]

I agree with Ski. This is a different board...let's not bring our dirty laundry here

Do as I say, not as I do?