Have/will you change(d)?


SwitSof
#1
Something I heard today when I was volunteering in food coop here and met an Irish hippie

He said when people are lectured to change, they most likely would resent.
But it is more effective to make or to expect people to change if you give a good example of the other alternative (what the change should lead to). Cause then it'd motivate people to change from their inner self.

Have you changed or will you change, you reckon? I suppose personality-wise, habits or ways, principles, values, the core stuff.
If you have or you will, what did or will cause this?
 
Zan
#2
A good question Switsof, and to me, a worthy one for all of us to take some to ponder over. It's not a question I could dash off a quick reply to between trips to the kitchen to check on the pot roast, but I would be happy to come back and discuss this with you when I can give it my attention.

What are your thoughts on this question as it might pertain to you?
 
talloola
#3
Well yes, I think I changed a lot when I was very young, as, when growing up, our home was very very
disfunctional, alchoholic dad, unhappy and ill mom, so the years as a child and teenager were probably much different than someone who was in a happy home, so the turned out product, at about 20 yrs old is much different.
Then, I began to become who I really am, as an individual, which took about 10 or 15 more
years, a struggle as a young wife, then a mother, so, as I raised my children, I really grew up, but
I made sure that my children were happy and healthy, as our home was a happy one, so I am glad
for those successes.
From then, I have changed as I have grown older, much smarter now, much wiser, much calmer.

As I look back on those early years, I know exactly how each child feels and suffers and misses
out on a good early life, when in a disfunctional home. That is very sad, as it keeps them back,
and makes life a struggle for a long time.

That little girl, a long time ago, seems like someone I used to know, an old friend. I don't wish
that kind of childhood on anyone.
Last edited by talloola; Jun 11th, 2007 at 10:43 PM..
 
SwitSof
#4
Quote: Originally Posted by ZanView Post

A good question Switsof, and to me, a worthy one for all of us to take some to ponder over. It's not a question I could dash off a quick reply to between trips to the kitchen to check on the pot roast,

What a nice dad! It's so difficult even to get my flatmate (a guy) to help us clean the flat! I don't think he would even help cooking for the family if he got married, poor woman who is going to be his wife...

Quote:

but I would be happy to come back and discuss this with you when I can give it my attention.

Please do

Quote:

What are your thoughts on this question as it might pertain to you?

I must admit, I don't reckon people who do have a good opinion of themselves to some degree (various degrees on different people, I suppose) would like to be lectured as if to be told what to do and also with the implication that they wouldn't know themselves what is good for them as adults!
If anything, it might actually bring the rebellious streak on some people even though they do know what is lectured is true perhaps in some degree.
But then again, you might hear people complain saying if only someone told me before (making the mistake(s) themselves).

For me, I haven't been married nor had any kids so there is no major change in that sense compared to people who have their own families. The biggest change I had was to move to 3 different countries to live in these countries that require adapting to a new lifestyle.
The change I had, not major though, was most likely caused by survival and by meeting different people.
I used to be very conservative, but not so much now.
There is more I reckon, but let me write about that later.
 
Unforgiven
#5
That's a really good question. I can see how moving to a different country could motivate changes in someone. Having kids does that too. Moving from a "me first" perspective to a "me later" perspective as you do with children, alters how you see things in life.

I've changed my views on a couple of things strictly from conversations I've had with people online like this. As well I've changed just because I choose to attempt to emulate the actions of some I admire who are now where I want to be in the future.

I've found that there are great teachers about that can, if you take the time to pay attention, demonstrate a better way that you can fit into your own life.
In balance, there are also some stupid buggers who want you to follow their lead only to bring you to a dead end and then dump the blame on you for being so gullible that you listen to them in the first place.

Wisdom is the ability to recognize one from the other.
 
Josephine
#6
As most people, I've changed a lot since childhood...but in the last year I feel I've had an awakening of sorts.
Growing up with my sister was hell. She was cruel and I actually hated her. Her criminal activities always seemed to get me involved and we ended up not seeing or speaking for a few years. We both had a horrible childhood and while I have my issues, I became a good person and worked hard. I was very unforgiving of people who used their bad childhoods as excuses for their crimes and whatnot. This past year, with my volunteer work and activisim with child sexual abuse, I have come to the very important realization that not everyone survives their childhood. My understanding now of others experiences has allowed me to accept my sister now for who she is. I used to think that she let me down as a big sister, but now I can see that she had her own trauma to deal with and that she wasn't as lucky as I was to come out ok. Coming to this realization has been a weight lifted off of me.
 
SwitSof
#7
Quote: Originally Posted by talloola

Well yes, I think I changed a lot when I was very young, as, when growing up, our home was very very disfunctional, alchoholic dad, unhappy and ill mom, so the years as a child and teenager were probably much different than someone who was in a happy home, so the turned out product, at about 20 yrs old is much different.
Then, I began to become who I really am, as an individual, which took about 10 or 15 more
years, a struggle as a young wife, then a mother,
[truncated]

Cheers for sharing, talloola.
Do you reckon becoming a wife and then a mother especially is the major factor for the changes happening within yourself?
I can only imagine that your stance is less selfish as you don't get to think about yourself only, unlike the singles.

Quote: Originally Posted by JosephineView Post

As most people, I've changed a lot since childhood...but in the last year I feel I've had an awakening of sorts.
[truncated]
We both had a horrible childhood and while I have my issues, I became a good person and worked hard.

Were you inspired by somebody else or something you encountered? Or it was more of a drive coming from yourself?

Had a friend who said recently she quit smoking just like that first because it's expensive (well she's from Romania that just joined EU and drove prices to go up), and second because she wants to lead a healthier life. And she said she had no trouble to quit, even physically.
Amazing how your self-drive or a state of mind can change you, ay?

Quote:

[truncated]
Coming to this realization has been a weight lifted off of me.

Good on ya, really glad to hear that.
Hmm, if you could go back to time, what kind of big sister you would have expected to have?
As a big sis you can look up to, I suppose.
 
Dreadful Nonsense
#8
My childhood was a horror.My adult life haunted by my childhood.
I'ts hard not to see change after one parent dies if that parent was a horror.


I have learned a lot online. I enjoy when I read something that is inspiring to change. Tha usually happens unbeknowance to the original poster. I like to let them know.



That being said , useing this thread as a platform for future teacher training exercices is a bit ludicrous and makes me nauseous.


I've been a lil wary of people that are concerned with online teaching exercices.tedium teaddle do....
cheers
dd
 
triedit
#9
Nobody is going to change unless he/she sees the need to. Change is motivated by discomfort in the current situation. My biggest change was the day I finally realized I had to get out of my first marriage. For years I thought being a good wife meant earning the money for his beer and taking the beatings that came with it.

One day, it occured to me that something just wasn't right. So I went to therapy.

It took me five more years to get my courage and my self esteem and my legal issues in order and divorce him. But that one day...that one day when I realized I was better than all that...that was what made me change.

People who know me now hardly believe the dishrag I once was. Often they see me as tough and together. Sometimes I have to step back and realize it's ok to not be perfect and to let others see who I really am. I still struggle with that from time to time-I really wish I truly WAS perfect!

So for me, change is constant.
 
Dreadful Nonsense
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by trieditView Post

Nobody is going to change unless he/she sees the need to. Change is motivated by discomfort in the current situation. My biggest change was the day I finally realized I had to get out of my first marriage. For years I thought being a good wife meant earning the money for his beer and taking the beatings that came with it.

One day, it occured to me that something just wasn't right. So I went to therapy.

It took me five more years to get my courage and my self esteem and my legal issues in order and divorce him. But that one day...that one day when I realized I was better than all that...that was what made me change.

People who know me now hardly believe the dishrag I once was. Often they see me as tough and together. Sometimes I have to step back and realize it's ok to not be perfect and to let others see who I really am. I still struggle with that from time to time-I really wish I truly WAS perfect!

So for me, change is constant.

Note to board.
This person has helped me numerous times.I've also made her life hell several times. we're still friends.
She is the personna of "Good Friend online".

Big Hugs Robin
OXOXOXOX
XOXOXO
XOXO
XO
Dave
 
SwitSof
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by DocDredView Post

That being said , useing this thread as a platform for future teacher training exercices is a bit ludicrous and makes me nauseous.

I've been a lil wary of people that are concerned with online teaching exercices.tedium teaddle do....

I suppose your post there is directed to me, isn't it?
Last edited by SwitSof; Jun 10th, 2007 at 02:05 PM..Reason: Apparently a misunderstanding
 
talloola
#12
Quote: Originally Posted by JosephineView Post

As most people, I've changed a lot since childhood...but in the last year I feel I've had an awakening of sorts.
Growing up with my sister was hell. She was cruel and I actually hated her. Her criminal activities always seemed to get me involved and we ended up not seeing or speaking for a few years. We both had a horrible childhood and while I have my issues, I became a good person and worked hard. I was very unforgiving of people who used their bad childhoods as excuses for their crimes and whatnot. This past year, with my volunteer work and activisim with child sexual abuse, I have come to the very important realization that not everyone survives their childhood. My understanding now of others experiences has allowed me to accept my sister now for who she is. I used to think that she let me down as a big sister, but now I can see that she had her own trauma to deal with and that she wasn't as lucky as I was to come out ok. Coming to this realization has been a weight lifted off of me.

I certainly agree with you, as I have to count to ten with all the adults (over 30), who use their
childhood bad experiences as excuses for their present behavior. Bull. Get over it. It becomes
'whining' and they insist on leaving the responsibility for 'their' behavior now, on the shoulders
of their parents. I forgave my parents many years ago, and my attitude changed tremendously,
as I realized they were unhappy and confused and not very smart, and I don't have to be that way.
And, actually their behavior taught me how 'not' to behave, so 'thank you'.
So, I went through major changes as I sought the 'real' me, and the 'good' me, and the happy me.
And, yes, even though many don't change, we do have to accept them for who they are , and hope
they find their way without too much difficulty.
 
Dreadful Nonsense
#13
Quote: Originally Posted by SwitSofView Post

I suppose your post there is directed to me, isn't it?
.

nope, honestly not at all.
D
 
Zan
#14
lolll Switsof... thank you for the good dad comment... since you're not the first to assume I'm a guy, I'm finally getting around to putting up an avatar of my namesake (her name is actually spelled Zhaan, but I apparently suck at spelling loll) to help dispel the myth that I'm a guy. So thanks for the kudos, but does it still count if I'm a mom and not a dad?

Anyway, regarding the question you posed, I would have to agree that anyone being lectured on the benefits of changing anything about themselves will likely yield anything but the desired result.

It's been my observation and experience that we don't change at the behest of others... even if we actually want to do so. An extreme example of this would be someone who is about to lose everything they value from family to possessions due to an addiction of some sort. No doubt these people have been lectured, implored and otherwise pressured to change their ways. Yet more often than not, change is not seen until something within that person's own experience impels them into making a change. Of course that something will be different for everyone, but I don't' believe it ever comes in the form of external pressure from someone else.

Teenagers are another good example of this. As parents, we would rest so much easier at night if we could instill the lessons we've learned through experience into our children rather than have them find out the same way we did. Through experience.

So in answer to the second part of your question, I think it would take quite a feat to make it through life without changing or growing in any way. The more we experience, the more we define who we are in relation to what we've experienced... the "ok, I've tried this and I don't like it so I'm not going to be or do this, therefore I must be and do that instead" relativity view of life....

So yes, I can indeed say that I've changed many times over many years who I am, what I believe, what I understand, who I wish to be, and how I act in relation to all of that. Many of the changes came slowly, without a conscious intention applied to making them happen. I would assume that's what we call the maturing process. I don't believe we ever stop that process either... I expect I'll have a much different outlook and set of behaviours in some ways in twenty years than I have now.

The most personal evidence I have of this is in the changes I've seen take place within my own father... a very busy, strict, unapproachable and seemingly remote man through my childhood, it seemed he was abducted by aliens and replaced with an actual human once he became a grandfather. I say that with utmost love and respect btw... because I don't think everyone listens to their experiences and makes the changes that can improve their lives and/or their relationships - for those that do though, while the rewards may be well worth it, it's not always an easy thing to do, to change certain aspects of ourselves in such a drastic way as to make an appreciable difference to oneself or to others in your life. My father seems to have adjusted many of his ways in his latter years. He's let go of things that he has realized don't really matter in the long run... placing his focus on his relationships with his kids and grandkids...something he didn't have the time or possibly the energy for when I was young.

I hope I can say in twenty years that I've continued to grow and adjust as I acquire more life experience, but bringing it back to your original question, I doubt very much any of that will occur at the suggestion of another.

Thank you again for posing this thought provoking question. I think it does all of us a bit of good to engage in this sort of introspection every now and again.

My 2 cents.
 
#juan
#15
Quote:

My 2 cents.

I'll give you at least a quarter......Dad....
 
SwitSof
#16
Quote: Originally Posted by DocDredView Post

nope, honestly not at all.
D

Bah, you made me write so long for nothing
At least that means we're cool ay?
 
SwitSof
#17
Quote: Originally Posted by ZanView Post

lolll Switsof... thank you for the good dad comment... since you're not the first to assume I'm a guy, I'm finally getting around to putting up an avatar of my namesake (her name is actually spelled Zhaan, but I apparently suck at spelling loll) to help dispel the myth that I'm a guy. So thanks for the kudos, but does it still count if I'm a mom and not a dad?

Oh dear, SO sorry! Gomennasai, Japanese style
I'm not sure why I thought you're a bloke, yup I'll blame it on the avatar! :P
Then again there was this poster with a woman avatar and I thought it's a she when he started saying he'd "do" Anna Nicole cause she had nice racks!

Ah, but if you WERE a dad, you were my hope to present as a good example of the perfect man who can cook pork roast, bugger! No hope then, some things will never change
 
SwitSof
#18
Quote: Originally Posted by trieditView Post

...that one day when I realized I was better than all that...that was what made me change.

Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
I think I was saying a bloke who leaves the decision to the woman about having abortion or not and wouldn't want to assume any responsibility, is very low.
Well, a man who beats up a woman is even lower.
Power on you to decide to leave.

Quote:

I really wish I truly WAS perfect!

Sometimes I wonder, maybe it wouldn't be so interesting if we are perfect.
Imagine like having a utopia, so everything is nice, neat and in order.
Not that something nice, neat and orderly isn't good to have, but it might be boring I suppose.

Quote:

So for me, change is constant.

Like moving to Canada ay?
Just pulling your leg
Last edited by SwitSof; Jun 11th, 2007 at 12:49 AM..Reason: typo
 
Zan
#19
Quote: Originally Posted by #juanView Post

......Dad....

this has not gone unnoticed.






































 
Zan
#20
Quote: Originally Posted by SwitSofView Post

Ah, but if you WERE a dad, you were my hope to present as a good example of the perfect man who can cook pork roast, bugger! No hope then, some things will never change

oh dear! Is that the state of things in Dublin?!



Listen. I think you should move to Canada immediately. Men here cook! Really. Some of them do it badly mind you, but most of them can find their way to not only the kitchen, but the vacuum, and the laundry room! It's a new millenium... tell those Irish lads over there to get with the program already!
 
triedit
#21
Quote: Originally Posted by ZanView Post

oh dear! Is that the state of things in Dublin?!



Listen. I think you should move to Canada immediately. Men here cook! Really. Some of them do it badly mind you, but most of them can find their way to not only the kitchen, but the vacuum, and the laundry room! It's a new millenium... tell those Irish lads over there to get with the program already!

Generalization, my dear. Ski is a born Canadian and often asks how long to warm soup in the microwave....
 
Zan
#22
Quote: Originally Posted by trieditView Post

Generalization, my dear. Ski is a born Canadian and often asks how long to warm soup in the microwave....

t'was just a joke....... my dear. I feel fairly confident that SwitSof, whom my post was directed to, will see the attempt at humor there... feeble as some may see it.
Last edited by Zan; Jun 10th, 2007 at 03:49 PM..Reason: typo... doh!
 
triedit
#23
Sorry. My sense of humor is lacking. I just discovered that I hurt a friend and can't fix it.
 
Zan
#24
I'm sorry to hear that triedit. Give it some time... forgiveness is part of every true friendship.
 
Dreadful Nonsense
#25
Quote: Originally Posted by SwitSofView Post

Bah, you made me write so long for nothing
At least that means we're cool ay?

Ha i knew u would say sumptin boud da lenght.

Hey i actually enjoy you as a poster very much.
Yup we is cool.
cheers matey
Dave
 
Josephine
#26
Quote: Originally Posted by SwitSofView Post

Cheers for sharing, talloola.
Do you reckon becoming a wife and then a mother especially is the major factor for the changes happening within yourself?
I can only imagine that your stance is less selfish as you don't get to think about yourself only, unlike the singles.


Were you inspired by somebody else or something you encountered? Or it was more of a drive coming from yourself?

Had a friend who said recently she quit smoking just like that first because it's expensive (well she's from Romania that just joined EU and drove prices to go up), and second because she wants to lead a healthier life. And she said she had no trouble to quit, even physically.
Amazing how your self-drive or a state of mind can change you, ay?


Good on ya, really glad to hear that.
Hmm, if you could go back to time, what kind of big sister you would have expected to have?
As a big sis you can look up to, I suppose.


I wasn't so much inspired by anyone or anything, I just saw how my sisters behaviour was damaging and hurting my family so much. I would watch my mother cry and hear her talk about my sister to her sisters, and I just knew that I had to be the opposite. I had to be everything my sister wasn't. Of course, that's really such a good thing, because you can't be "good" all the time.

I guess I would have wanted a sister who you could trust. One who wouldn't lie or steal from you. One that wouldn't blame you and beat you. One who wouldn't drive around with her sister in a stolen car unbeknownst to her younger sister. But when I think of what my sister endured in her childhood...and of the fact she never received help, I don't know what else I could have expected. But I only understand that now. With all my volunteering and meeting new people and hearing their stories...I realized I had more understanding and compassion for strangers who had similar experiences, and yet I was so unforgiving and cold towards my sister. I feel like I have let go of the hate and the disappointment, and I can actually see my sister now as the woman she is.
 
Josephine
#27
Quote: Originally Posted by talloolaView Post

I certainly agree with you, as I have to count to ten with all the adults (over 30), who use their
childhood bad experiences as excuses for their present behavior. Bull. Get over it. It becomes
'whining' and they insist on leaving the responsibility for 'their' behavior now, on the shoulders
of their parents. I forgave my parents many years ago, and my attitude changed tremendously,
as I realized they were unhappy and confused and not very smart, and I don't have to be that way.
And, actually their behavior taught me how 'not' to behave, so 'thank you'.
So, I went through major changes as I sought the 'real' me, and the 'good' me, and the happy me.
And, yes, even though many don't change, we do have to accept them for who they are , and hope
they find their way without too much difficulty.

Hey Talloola:

It's funny, because I felt very strongly about people who used their childhood as an excuse for their bad decisions or criminal behaviour. I thought because I had made it out relatively ok, that everyone should have as well. Of course I realize now, that I was a lucky one. I didn't turn to drugs or sex or a life of crime. Now, I can have understanding and compassion for those who weren't as lucky and I can appreciate my own life even more.
 
#juan
#28
Quote: Originally Posted by ZanView Post

this has not gone unnoticed.






































Oops....
 
SwitSof
#29
Quote: Originally Posted by trieditView Post

Generalization, my dear. Ski is a born Canadian and often asks how long to warm soup in the microwave....

IdRatherBeSkiing?
Actually sounds like my brother

Zan, if it's true that MANY Cannuck blokes can do their way around the kitchen or even just as simple as vacuum and dishes, I'd move in a heartbeat! Am having cold war with my flatmate cause he's exploiting the girls in the house to do the cleaning
 
SwitSof
#30
I guess it's obvious I often write long posts.
So what did you mean by these sentences?

Quote: Originally Posted by DocDredView Post

That being said , useing this thread as a platform for future teacher training exercices is a bit ludicrous and makes me nauseous.

I've been a lil wary of people that are concerned with online teaching exercices.tedium teaddle do....
cheers
dd

 

Similar Threads

3
We need to change,now .
by china | Feb 22nd, 2007
19
Change yourself ?
by china | Jan 31st, 2007
25
Can We Change?
by china | Jan 11th, 2007
no new posts