Why Men Don't Do Anything About It


Niflmir
#31
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

There is, oddly enough, a very real reverse sexism that goes on in these cases. If a woman slaps a man, nobody blinks an eye. But if a man slaps a woman, the general public reacts as if the man is an evil monster.

One of the gentlemen in my group didn't suffer physical abuse. Like Dex he has endured almost 15 years of negative, vicious name-calling and demoralizing from his wife. To see her you'd never guess it. It's left him in a situation where he doubts everything about himself, from his abilities to his opinions.

I think, and psychology in general agrees, that emotional abuse is far more destructive than physical abuse.

I think the social acceptance of the double standard towards physical vs. mental abuse starts very early on. We just don't punish name calling and rumor mongering like we punish physical violence. Which is absurd when you realize that the rumor mongering could easily have permanent ramifications on a person's life!
 
sanctus
#32
Quote: Originally Posted by NiflmirView Post

I think the social acceptance of the double standard towards physical vs. mental abuse starts very early on. We just don't punish name calling and rumor mongering like we punish physical violence. Which is absurd when you realize that the rumor mongering could easily have permanent ramifications on a person's life!


Good points. rumours and name-calling can be seriously devastating to the victim, and can have an effect on their behaviour and personality years after the incidents.
 
karrie
#33
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

There is, oddly enough, a very real reverse sexism that goes on in these cases. If a woman slaps a man, nobody blinks an eye. But if a man slaps a woman, the general public reacts as if the man is an evil monster.

One of the gentlemen in my group didn't suffer physical abuse. Like Dex he has endured almost 15 years of negative, vicious name-calling and demoralizing from his wife. To see her you'd never guess it. It's left him in a situation where he doubts everything about himself, from his abilities to his opinions.

I think, and psychology in general agrees, that emotional abuse is far more destructive than physical abuse.

My husband and I have actually cut people out of our lives before, because of the verbal abuses occurring in their relationships. One couple, neighbors of ours, were so much fun. I'd get together with her for coffee and we'd talk for hours. Hubby got him a job where he worked, and they'd visit all day at work, go for lunch, putter around the acreage, work on the tractors together, etc. Just great friends. But the instant you got him and her together, it was HELLISH. The name calling and putdowns. Argh! I'd even comment on it as gently as I could, to no avail. And we tried really hard to lead by example, but MAN, we just couldn't take it after a while. I'll never understand, because it wore on us just having to listen to it, how they could live every day like that.
 
MikeyDB
#34
Just like the sterotyping that conditions males to flat or no affect....just like the social chorus of outrage when a terrible thing like the recent VT tragedy....just like the myth that racism and poverty "can't" be beaten....we cling to perspectives that ensure the status quo.
We need a sea-change in our cultures and societies that won't be made possible by band-aid solutions like focusing-in-on "guns" as the culprit behind firearms abuse. A culture that identifies violence whether between males and females or between people of color and whites...between young and old...the list goes on and on....what outcome can one reasonably expect?
If we can agree that the structures of law and social order stem from the need to marshal the human propensity to violence and the over-emphasis placed on "personal expression" before we become comfortable with the realization that we are all in this together.... we won't solve any of the issues that we as a society and a civilization repeat with cyclic regularity.
Enforcing laws is one thing, promulgating change in how people internalize the world and the frameworks of justice morality and ethics is quite another.
 
talloola
#35
Abusers definitely should be dealt with, there is a problem there, and that behavior must stop.
But, in my opinion, those who allow 'anyone' to abuse them, also have a problem, and need
to learn to have more respect for 'themselves', and 'never' allow anyone to do that to them more
than 'once'.
 
MikeyDB
#36
Talloola
Describe the parameters for me would you? Is it abusive to decide that since we can't devote the time and money to taking care of our elderly because it takes two incomes to raise a family and because the world demands we dash through our lives just ahead of the bill-collector...that we somehow find enough money to put Uncle Sid in an old-folks home.... Or we decide that Uncle Sid really doesn't need his mediation more than he needs his heart medications....
We face a connundrum of choice. When males know that anything they say in their defence of behaviour that has brought a woman to physical harm....will be dismissed and rejected...what's the point in stopping at a slap in the face? Why not go for a broken arm?
When one segment of society claims that spanking your child is abuse and another is prepared to dress young girls up in sexy-clothing and parade them around as animals in a contest...when our advertising industries thrive on marginalizing everyone who doesn't own the appropriate...those socially sanctioned accoutrements of modern consumerism...while we watch as people rummage through our garbage bins....
Where are you prepared to say that some line exists determining what you will or won't tolerate in your society then what do and can we do about chaning these perceptions?
 
talloola
#37
[quote=MikeyDB;826001]Talloola
Describe the parameters for me would you? Is it abusive to decide that since we can't devote the time and money to taking care of our elderly because it takes two incomes to raise a family and because the world demands we dash through our lives just ahead of the bill-collector...that we somehow find enough money to put Uncle Sid in an old-folks home.... Or we decide that Uncle Sid really doesn't need his mediation more than he needs his heart medications....
We face a connundrum of choice. When males know that anything they say in their defence of behaviour that has brought a woman to physical harm....will be dismissed and rejected...what's the point in stopping at a slap in the face? Why not go for a broken arm?


Don't get the connection at all in the first paragraph, doesn't apply to my thoughts.
I really was only referring to one on one situations, husbands/wives, couples/ bullies,/
I can't go into the situation of many types of troubles in society, would have to think
about those things, each, and on their own, too complex for me to try to ramble through
right now, as you stirred many things into one pot.
I only know that I would not accept or give physical/mental abuse to my husband, and nor would he.
If anyone ever physical/mentally abused me in a relationship, I would be outa there so fast, and it would
not happen a second time, and should be the same for men.
Don't stay around anyone who doesn't enhance your life, and help you be happy and
content. I would rather live in a tent under a bridge with my dog, than endure an abusive
relationship from anyone.
 
L Gilbert
#38
Same here, seriously.

(Except I love it when mine beats me up. )
 
talloola
#39
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

Same here, seriously.

(Except I love it when mine beats me up. )

That can be fun, know what you mean, think I'll try it later, better trim my nails first, don't
want to draw blood when tickling.
 
L Gilbert
#40
I'm waaaaay stronger than her, but she's in better shape than me so she plays me out then moves in for the kill. S'fun.
 
AmberEyes
#41
About a month ago I got a call from one of my guy friends who mentioned he had just broken up with his girlfriend. Like the good friend I am, I asked him if he'd like to talk, or just hang out and calm down for a bit. We did, and continued to "hang out" for several weeks after the break-up... during which I learned just how abusive his ex was, and just how cruel some of the things she had done to him were. She caught us one day eating lunch with a few others, and upon seeing me she started screaming at him, saying how he "cheated" on her (with me), how he should "grow some balls" and pay all of her bills since he left her with no money (they were together for only 9 months). We ignored her... several days later (and on my birthday, no less!) she broke into his apartment, destroyed half of my things, smashed his dishes, threw the pieces at the two of us, then came at me in an attempt to hit me or something (I managed to hold her off until the other people there could constrain her). She's now been banned from his work place, the apartment building, and we are in the process of getting a restraining order.

So yes, women can be abusive. Very much so... and I'm glad that I was there to help out my friend (we are now together), because I understand how hard it must be for some men who were/are in similar relationships.
 
s243a
#42
Quote: Originally Posted by AmberEyesView Post

About a month ago I got a call from one of my guy friends who mentioned he had just broken up with his girlfriend. Like the good friend I am, I asked him if he'd like to talk, or just hang out and calm down for a bit. We did, and continued to "hang out" for several weeks after the break-up... during which I learned just how abusive his ex was, and just how cruel some of the things she had done to him were. She caught us one day eating lunch with a few others, and upon seeing me she started screaming at him, saying how he "cheated" on her (with me), how he should "grow some balls" and pay all of her bills since he left her with no money (they were together for only 9 months). We ignored her... several days later (and on my birthday, no less!) she broke into his apartment, destroyed half of my things, smashed his dishes, threw the pieces at the two of us, then came at me in an attempt to hit me or something (I managed to hold her off until the other people there could constrain her). She's now been banned from his work place, the apartment building, and we are in the process of getting a restraining order.
So yes, women can be abusive. Very much so... and I'm glad that I was there to help out my friend (we are now together), because I understand how hard it must be for some men who were/are in similar relationships.

Quote has been trimmed, See full post: View Post
Good for you Amber Eyes. There are many people in this world that would not help. They would say they don’t need the drama. Or they would say the man should be able to end things better.
edit: Oh yeah, and lets not forget the code amoung woman where they don't want to be a boyfriend steeler.
Last edited by s243a; Apr 19th, 2007 at 09:56 PM..
 
AmberEyes
#43
I think the term "boyfriend stealer" is rather amusing. You can't steal a person.. lol. I'm sure my bf's ex views me as a "boyfriend stealer," but perhaps if she hadn't been so abusive, he would have stayed with her.
 
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