When Mom and Dad Grow Old


hermanntrude
#91
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Sanctus - I am pleased you were spared the weather.....

Re people fighting - strangely enough I have been preparing my Will the past week and think I'll include an instruction to the Executor if anyone commences disagreement, take them off the list of beneficiaries.

I have seen far too many of these ugly scenes - like carrion picking bones....

what a good idea. I always thought that contesting a will is a horrible thing to do. the whole point of a will is that it's their WILL, it's what they want done
 
sanctus
#92
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Sanctus - I am pleased you were spared the weather.....

Re people fighting - strangely enough I have been preparing my Will the past week and think I'll include an instruction to the Executor if anyone commences disagreement, take them off the list of beneficiaries.

I have seen far too many of these ugly scenes - like carrion picking bones....

A family I know has a rather unique plan for such eventualities. Outside of what is named in the will specifically, it is the intention of this elder gentleman I know, when his time is close, to call his family together and allow them to take what they want at that time. He will supervise the event and once done, everything left is to go to charitable organizations( those things not mentioned in the will or given away) This sounds like a neat idea.
 
karrie
#93
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

A family I know has a rather unique plan for such eventualities. Outside of what is named in the will specifically, it is the intention of this elder gentleman I know, when his time is close, to call his family together and allow them to take what they want at that time. He will supervise the event and once done, everything left is to go to charitable organizations( those things not mentioned in the will or given away) This sounds like a neat idea.

My husband's family did this upon the death of his Memere (grandmother). We all went to the house after the funeral, had tea and lunch, and discussed who could use what. The jewelery was divided up amongst her children, according to who had special memories of certain pieces, who lacked certain pieces like a pearl necklace in their own collections, and who would like them for special things, like a future engagement. She was buried with the pieces that mattered to her. Everything in the house went the same way... if you could use it, you spoke up. It all went very peacably. I was surprised.
 
L Gilbert
#94
I have it the easy way. I get everything and I'm the executor. Basically, who gets what is up to me to figure out. Horrid job, but I'd rather do it that have my 86 year old mother try figuring it out.
 
sanctus
#95
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

I have it the easy way. I get everything and I'm the executor. Basically, who gets what is up to me to figure out. Horrid job, but I'd rather do it that have my 86 year old mother try figuring it out.

Won't be too easy if the rest of your family resents you for doing so, or for giving out to one person what someone else wanted!
 
csanopal
#96
In my family, the hardest thing we had to face was watching our vital, motivated mother succomb to cancer at the age of 40. I was 18 at the time, with younger brothers and sisters. Over a three year period our Mom deteriorated to the point where she was bed-ridden and almost constantly in a state of pain. It drove my dad over the edge,as he couldn't handle it at all. Dad was always a bit of a wussy during times of trouble, and like him, we used to rely on Mom to do everything rough. When she finally died, a month before my wedding, it was, I hate to say it, almos a relief. One thing I learned with inner strength through both determination and prayer
 
mapleleafgirl
#97
Quote: Originally Posted by csanopalView Post

In my family, the hardest thing we had to face was watching our vital, motivated mother succomb to cancer at the age of 40. I was 18 at the time, with younger brothers and sisters. Over a three year period our Mom deteriorated to the point where she was bed-ridden and almost constantly in a state of pain. It drove my dad over the edge,as he couldn't handle it at all. Dad was always a bit of a wussy during times of trouble, and like him, we used to rely on Mom to do everything rough. When she finally died, a month before my wedding, it was, I hate to say it, almos a relief. One thing I learned with inner strength through both determination and prayer

why would the death of your mother be a relief? did you mean that?
 
missile
#98
After you've garnered a lot more life experience, you will come to understand this... after being in severe pain from a debilitating disease for many years,yes, death is a blessed relief.
 
karrie
#99
Quote: Originally Posted by csanopalView Post

In my family, the hardest thing we had to face was watching our vital, motivated mother succomb to cancer at the age of 40. I was 18 at the time, with younger brothers and sisters. Over a three year period our Mom deteriorated to the point where she was bed-ridden and almost constantly in a state of pain. It drove my dad over the edge,as he couldn't handle it at all. Dad was always a bit of a wussy during times of trouble, and like him, we used to rely on Mom to do everything rough. When she finally died, a month before my wedding, it was, I hate to say it, almos a relief. One thing I learned with inner strength through both determination and prayer

My family lost a wonderful aunt to a slow fight with cancer in February of 2006. Watching someone go through that kind of pain is like nothing else on earth. The relief to see her finally beyond the pain was very strong. My heart goes out to you for having lost her at such a special time in your life. I'm glad you could take something good away from it.
 
karrie
#100
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

why would the death of your mother be a relief? did you mean that?

I never would have understood this without having seen some of the deaths I've seen. When someone you love is in so much pain, and there's nothing you can do about it, when you watch them struggle with it, beg to die the pain is so bad, it makes you realize what a gift passing on can be. People can linger so long in so much pain. It's very hard to watch, and the closer you were to someone, the more it hurts.
 
temperance
#101
yes perfect ,no arguing ,fighting and/or pouting -lol please warn them about that before --lol no surprise exiles

I know this serious stuff but like you say I ve seem enough vulture like ,totally peace ful and ;lovable people turn into greed stricken people --its so weird its flabbergasting -I lost all trust in humanity sometimes time I was involved with people who everybody previous the passing process described them as wonderful,

I had to go be debriefed by counselors after each family/person passed ,had to renew my energy to help the next family sometimes rewarding work sometimes debilitating mentally

but by all means -tell them what you want and dont want --period
 
m_levesque
#102
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

I never would have understood this without having seen some of the deaths I've seen. When someone you love is in so much pain, and there's nothing you can do about it, when you watch them struggle with it, beg to die the pain is so bad, it makes you realize what a gift passing on can be. People can linger so long in so much pain. It's very hard to watch, and the closer you were to someone, the more it hurts.

Agreed. I was married before my current wife, married at the age of 20 to my high school sweetheart. During the first month of our marriage we learned that she had inoperable cancer of the brain. she had ben complaining of headaches for quite some time, but she thought they were just migraines. Six months later she was in hospital, barely able to function. this dragged on for two months and when she finnally passed I was happy for her. Sounds odd, but I was.
 
Kreskin
#103
The odd thing about the passing of a family member, no matter what the circumstances are or how prepared you think you are for it, you really aren't fully prepared. At least that happened to me. Watching my dad wither away for 5 years I hoped he would go to put him out of his misery, yet when he passed I took it hard. I think after a few days I began to put in into perspective and come to realize it was the best thing but it isn't without going through a grieving process first. I think the reality helped speed up the process but didn't bipass it.
 
vinod1975
#104
unfortunatly , I left for graveyard shift at 00:00 from home after giving regular medicines to my mom and when I came back in morning she was no more , I was unlucky about not to being with her in her last time but now I can only and only cry and do nothing....
 
L Gilbert
#105
My sympathies for your loss, Vinod.
 
vinod1975
#106
thanks but anyways I would have loved more if you would have ampathiesed ....
 
sanctus
#107
Quote: Originally Posted by KreskinView Post

The odd thing about the passing of a family member, no matter what the circumstances are or how prepared you think you are for it, you really aren't fully prepared. At least that happened to me. Watching my dad wither away for 5 years I hoped he would go to put him out of his misery, yet when he passed I took it hard. I think after a few days I began to put in into perspective and come to realize it was the best thing but it isn't without going through a grieving process first. I think the reality helped speed up the process but didn't bipass it.


Intellectually, we can convince of ourselves of almost anything. we can spend countless hours preparing and getting ready, but the sad fact is we cannot convince the heart to think intellectually. Death, whether prepared for or unexpected, represents loss, and this is what we mourn for, the loss of our loved ones.
 
vinod1975
#108
When ever there is death in your family of your near and dear one what you can do at that time is CRY and CRY and keep sitting idol alone and quite and you have that person in your thoughts , Like my personal experience when I lost my mother after that for atleast next one month I was torturing my self or I would say I went into deep depression and thinking about that every movement in which I had quarrel and may be I shouted on her and keep on crying why I have done that and belive me she was so nice so sweet so kind hearted in our extream days she gives food of her part also to me.
 
sanctus
#109
Quote: Originally Posted by vinod1975View Post

When ever there is death in your family of your near and dear one what you can do at that time is CRY and CRY and keep sitting idol alone and quite and you have that person in your thoughts , Like my personal experience when I lost my mother after that for atleast next one month I was torturing my self or I would say I went into deep depression and thinking about that every movement in which I had quarrel and may be I shouted on her and keep on crying why I have done that and belive me she was so nice so sweet so kind hearted in our extream days she gives food of her part also to me.

Crying is a start of the grief process, but in such a process we must move on and continue living.
 
vinod1975
#110
Sanctus , please read it full and try to understand the meaning of my post , as this is not only crying but somthing else feelings...
 
Faith1
#111
Hi all
My mother was a deaf mute and I looked after her in my home. She lived in a seniors citzen's home to start with. There came a time that she did not want to be there any longer so I looked after her. She died at the age of 85 years old. I had my mom in my home about 10 years. I never had a problem with my siblings untill she become bed ridden (the last 2 years of her life). Some of my siblings thought she should be in a nursing home. I could not do that with my mom. That caused alot of problems. One brother that I was close with disowned me for that. Sometimes they came to visit my mom and were nasty to me. It was very hard at times. But I had one sister who would come for some weekends to help me. It was a very big help me to me. I appreciate it all the time even tho Mom has been gone for 3 years. My husband was a very big help and very patient with it all. I tried to let mom have her independence as much as possible and let her feel that she was the head of our family. One day she said that it has come to the time that she was the child and I was the mother. She didnt say it was malice or bitterness but with understanding. We laughed together about that. One of her desires was to be able to die at home with us rather than in the hospital. That part was very scary for me. How was I to know not to call the ambulance or would I panic. I prayed alot for God's help in these matters. To mom I was the one who looked after her personal and business afairs. She always wanted my sister there beside her bed. She was the one she wanted for company. I understood this. We each played a role in her life. Then the day came when it was time for her to die. That morning my sister was sitting with her and I went into her room and held her hand for a few mins. Then I went to another room and in my mind I said everything is going to be alright, but at the same time I knew that this day was the day for crying. I cant explain that feeling. Then all of a sudden I had my first panic attack. I went to the hospital then when I got back home my sister said that Mom said she was dying and that she wanted me. I went into the room, totally calm. She was complaining of being hot and my sister had opened the window. I closed the window, sat down and held her hand. I totally understood that she was dying but had this total calmness about me. I know God had to have given me this extra strength. She died within a short time. I never paniced once. After she died I cried a bit and then went into the living room with my sister. I stopped crying and wondered why I wasnt crying like my sister. All of a sudden a blue ball and a red ball appeared in front of me. It was so beautiful. Very hard to describe. They both intered my body and all of a sudden I felt that my mom was passing her feelings of happiness to me. Never had I felt this level of happiness. And also at the same time other thoughts were passing to me. I know that these thoughts were my dad's. (My dad had died 20 years earlier). I can explain to anyone how I knew these things to be. At that time I just kept saying that these were such wonderful gifts. I totally believe that after a person dies they just pass over to the other side. I know that this does not sit with religious beliefs and that it is hard for anyone to believe unless it happens to you. I have no regrets and would do it exactly the way I did it if I had the choice to go back and start over again. Yes there were times that I said, maybe I could of sat with her a bit more, or did that better. We all do that but they are not necessary. Each person does what they can. Maybe the ones who dont help just cant handle it. I dont know. I feel like a complete circle with my mom. She helped me into this world and I helped her into the next world. I dont tell this story to be commended on what I did. I know each situation is different and maybe the best would be for some to be in a home. I just tell this story incase it may help someone understand. I dont think I could of done this if I didnt have God to pray to for help and comfort.

Love Faith
 
Curiosity
#112
Faith1

That was a lovely story - and your mother was so lucky to have you care for her for such a long time.

You said you had a panic attack when she was actively dying.... did those just stop or did they return
after she died? (If you prefer not answering this personal question - please feel free to ignore it).

I hope you know you gave her a peaceful ending when so many families cannot be as strong as you were.
 
Faith1
#113
Hi
After that first panic attack I never had any for about 6 months. Then they started strong, several every day. Then the doctors put me on medication. Having panic attacks was very hard. They exhaust you. I found it hard to walk across the house or to do simple chores. Today I have very few even tho I am on medication. Some days I dont even take the meds anymore. And I feel just about as good as I did before the panic attacks started. I did a comparison check with other people on the forums. I noticed that we had similar things that we did that led to this. One thing that i talked with one person was that we both drank alot of water without making sure we balanced it off with salt. Before that I very rarely drank water. I am a person who doesnt like salt and very rarely put it in food. When I had several panic attacks a day I ate Liptons chicken noodle soup, one of the few foods I could eat and it helped. I think it was the salt I needed. Another thing I did as some did was play a 3d game. I can no longer play them. Sometimes I think if I get better totally maybe I can, but dont think it is worth the risk. It seems once you have a panic attack then the rest follow. Sorta like it is like a chemical change in your body and it takes time to reverse the chemical change back to normal. It is so nice not to have to worry about the panic attacks anymore.

Love Faith
 
darleneonfire
#114
Quote: Originally Posted by Faith1View Post

an no longer play them. Sometimes I think if I get better totally maybe I can, but dont think it is worth the risk. It seems once you have a panic attack then the rest follow. Sorta like it is like a chemical change in your body and it takes time to reverse the chemical change back to normal. It is so nice not to have to worry about the panic attacks anymore.

Love Faith


Good for you. I had panic attacks shortly after my father died. I couldn't face anything. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it did.I think it was because, in truth, I had never really been close to my dad. He was of the old school, did little with us kids growing up-that was left to my mother. He was the strong type tha provided for us and sometimes disiplined us, but when he died I realized I never really knew my father, and that made me very anxious.
Last edited by darleneonfire; Jan 28th, 2007 at 12:39 PM..Reason: typos,spelling
 
Faith1
#115
hi
I had a very hard time after my Dad died. 4 years of it. I was very close to my dad. As i watched others in the family, it was harder for the girls or ones who werent very close. When my mom died, it was harder on the boys in the family. My dad was the old school type too. He never got along with one of my sisters. My mom told me close to his end he thought of her alot. When they are of the old school type it seems not much affection flies around, but I believe the love is there even tho it is not showed. And that sorta interferes with getting to know each other on a personal level. My oldest son has 4 children and I also see that he is not affectionate with them. I showed both my children lots of affection to try and break the chain but it seemed it doesnt help. I have discussed with him, how important a show of affection is important, esp when you are the displinary one in the household.

Has your panic attacks stopped and if so how long have you had them.

Love Faith
 
vinod1975
#116
Why do we have desires to accomplish things and improve ourselves where there is no evolutionary benefit to us, our dependents, or our species? Some examples might be (not for monetary or social gain neither): creating music, writing novels, or taking courses solely for interest or accomplishment. Maybe we are more than just our physical bodies trying to survive in this world , Even the same can be taken out from the respect and the good care of parrents.
 
Zzarchov
#117
In our family our aging and infirm tend to have alot of mysterious accidents. Whenever I describe this fact to others it sounds like im from some family of monsters. But I hope to have a similar accident when I grow old and hope someone will help me set it up if im too infirm. I don't want to exist without any dignity for the sake of a few more pain filled heaves of my lungs, nor do I want to destroy my family in doing it.

I think we have a problem with science and ethics and dont' realise it as a people. Just because we can medically hobble ourselves along for a few more months or even a year or two, doesn't mean we should.
 
vinod1975
#118
Is it possible that the unconditional love possessed by God is the source of energy or power that allowed the universe's creation and the life in it and also sustains it?
 
Curiosity
#119
Quote: Originally Posted by ZzarchovView Post

In our family our aging and infirm tend to have alot of mysterious accidents. Whenever I describe this fact to others it sounds like im from some family of monsters. But I hope to have a similar accident when I grow old and hope someone will help me set it up if im too infirm. I don't want to exist without any dignity for the sake of a few more pain filled heaves of my lungs, nor do I want to destroy my family in doing it.

I think we have a problem with science and ethics and dont' realise it as a people. Just because we can medically hobble ourselves along for a few more months or even a year or two, doesn't mean we should.

Zzarchov

I think one has to make a decision while healthy long before aging and mental processes take over and one becomes dependent upon another (making them complicit in some way).

I believe we should have the right to choose the time when we leave our human body... that it not be regarded as wrong ... any more than we perform unwanted pregnancies .... why do we not discuss the possibilities of having a ceremonial death.

Other cultures in earlier times had ways of setting their elderly on their own last journey...for them to fall asleep and die.... cruel and to me much more filled with love than standing around waiting for medical science to perform the impossible....
 
mapleleafgirl
#120
Quote: Originally Posted by ZzarchovView Post

In our family our aging and infirm tend to have alot of mysterious accidents. Whenever I describe this fact to others it sounds like im from some family of monsters. But I hope to have a similar accident when I grow old and hope someone will help me set it up if im too infirm. I don't want to exist without any dignity for the sake of a few more pain filled heaves of my lungs, nor do I want to destroy my family in doing it.

I think we have a problem with science and ethics and dont' realise it as a people. Just because we can medically hobble ourselves along for a few more months or even a year or two, doesn't mean we should.

pretty deep. im not sure i could do this for my mom. my dad..well, maybe id do him now(joke-not serious)

seriously, i think to take a decision like this must be kinda hard on the family members. who makes this kind of decision anyway?
 

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