When Mom and Dad Grow Old


L Gilbert
#61
Quote: Originally Posted by jimmoyerView Post

You wonder why this must happen.

We're all going to have our turn.

I quit wondering somewhere in my preteen years. All carbon-based life forms have a limited lifespan. Evolution is really the only thing that makes us live longer while keeping our health. Been doing that since life began. It's why Darwin wrote what he did.
 
L Gilbert
#62
Quote: Originally Posted by jimmoyerView Post

Oy veh, is there not a soul on this earth without pain ?

What a thread !!!

Bless all of you guys !!

Pain is a good thing, IMO. A multipurpose tool. It can make us wonder about family, it can warn us that we're in danger, etc.
 
karrie
#63
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

Pain is a good thing, IMO. A multipurpose tool. It can make us wonder about family, it can warn us that we're in danger, etc.


One of the most interesting things I've ever heard about pain was by a hypnotist, who pulled me aside after a comedy club type performance. I was pregnant at the time, and he pulled me aside to tell me that labor is painless.

Everyone around me simply laughed.... what kind of moron says labor is painless? But he went on to explain.... pain has two purposes, the main one being to indicate damage. But the second one, the one we tend to not think about, is that pain is there to tell us to make ourselves safe. That's what labor pain is... telling momma to get somewhere safe. He simply said "once you're somewhere safe, you can tell the pain to shut up, and just concentrate on having the baby". It follows that since labor itself doesn't damage tissue (birth does, but not the laboring), that it's simply not real pain.

In my opinion, the logic carries through to loss. We hurt so deeply, thus we protect those we have left ten times more fiercely. It's there so that we will make ourselves and those around us more safe.
 
L Gilbert
#64
See. It's a tool. A multipurpose one.
Same thing with fear and a lot of other stuff we tote around.
 
marygaspe
#65
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

In my opinion, the logic carries through to loss. We hurt so deeply, thus we protect those we have left ten times more fiercely. It's there so that we will make ourselves and those around us more safe.

I like what you wrote It's very logical really. Pain, therefore, serves a very unique purpose in our beings. But it is also a cleansing, I think, and self-orientated. The pain of loss is really, when you look at it, our own feelings of having to do without the person we have lost. In this sense, though necessary, it is selfish.
 
marygaspe
#66
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

I hate having these sorts of fights, so I found an easy way to solve the issue. My kids are only 5 and 6, and neither one can stand topsheets... they juts kick them to the end of the bed. So, I got rid of them. Now they have an afghan each, and a comforter. in the morning, they just pull the afghan out, flip the comforter up, lay the afghan across the end of the bed, and done. doesn't even have to be neat, just pulled together so the cat doesn't sleep in their beds.


I should follow your example. My husband says I must be ****-retentive because I insist on the beds being made properly before they leave their rooms. I wonder why this is so important to me? I guess it is shades of my own mother, who was the sort of mother who spent most of her time dusting, polishing and cleaning.
 
temperance
#67
To be able to take away the indigniries ,to make the passing painless and to celebrate a life (look back and celebarte what that person /mom dad has done ,for you, with you , that to me would be the focus but not everyone can be at that point --Why must we hold back if we have medications that relief pain -at least the physical pain can be some what controlled -

The selffish pain of want ing them to live is selfish but so widespread
the greiving process --well they use the word process but some never get passed step one
Learn to accept that your loss is real--angry

Make it OK to feel the pain--acceptance
Feeling the pain of grieving is difficult, but it's an important step toward healing

a safe place in your heart for your loved one, and allow yourself to move on.

Its nice that people can share this ,on here ,its so hard ,the hurt chokes one
Celebrate the life
 
Curiosity
#68
I have lost many in my life - it seems a family trait - but worst was losing my young husband in nine days - unexpected and like a huge sandstorm which swept through our lives ... and parental care is the topic here...
but I learned from that one significant death about huge pain and loss...

My anger carried me for longer than I can admit and still claims me in moments of memory.. but out of the ashes and anguish comes this one green sprout of positive thought....

In order to experience great love, unselfish devotion to another rather than ourselves, we must gamble on pain of loss.

Pain is life's reminder that we once loved.... a heavy price but the love is worth it.
Last edited by Curiosity; Jan 24th, 2007 at 08:08 AM..
 
sanctus
#69
Quote: Originally Posted by temperanceView Post

a safe place in your heart for your loved one, and allow yourself to move on.

Its nice that people can share this ,on here ,its so hard ,the hurt chokes one
Celebrate the life


A very good post to read! Many people who have not experienced the death of someone close do not seem to understand that grief is a process we live through, and like any process, it has its' definate levels of development before final healing can begin.But I suspect, regardless of final acceptance, that the tiny tug at the heart for that deceased person, ever truly leaves us.
 
sanctus
#70
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

I have lost many in my life - it seems a family trait - but worst was losing my young husband in nine days - unexpected and like a huge sandstorm which swept through our lives ... and parental care is the topic here...
but I learned from that one significant death about huge pain and loss...

My anger carried me for longer than I can admit and still claims me in moments of memory.. but out of the ashes and anguish comes this one green sprout of positive thought....

In order to experience great love, unselfish devotion to another rather than ourselves, we must gamble on pain of loss.

Pain is life's reminder that we once loved.... a heavy price but the love is worth it.


What a burden that must have been for you! The promise of a future together suddenly and totally over. Bless you!
 
Curiosity
#71
Thank you Sanctus and good morning. I can use all the blessings you can bestow !!
 
sanctus
#72
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Thank you Santus and good morning. I can use all the blessings you can bestow !!

Morning to you too! I could use a few blessings myself today!!! Got two funerals,and it's cold out

Good thing I can wear "dresses" over my clothes
 
mapleleafgirl
#73
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

I have lost many in my life - it seems a family trait - but worst was losing my young husband in nine days - unexpected and like a huge sandstorm which swept through our lives ... and parental care is the topic here...
but I learned from that one significant death about huge pain and loss...

My anger carried me for longer than I can admit and still claims me in moments of memory.. but out of the ashes and anguish comes this one green sprout of positive thought....

In order to experience great love, unselfish devotion to another rather than ourselves, we must gamble on pain of loss.

Pain is life's reminder that we once loved.... a heavy price but the love is worth it.

wow, that is so heavy. i feel bad for you. did you guys have any kids?
 
Curiosity
#74
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

Morning to you too! I could use a few blessings myself today!!! Got two funerals,and it's cold out

Good thing I can wear "dresses" over my clothes

Brrhhhhhhhh Sanctus

Don't they supply you fellers with Priestly Long Johns???? Come back and we'll cheer and warm you after your long day is done....
 
Curiosity
#75
Mapleleafgirl

No we had no children and depending on my mood ... some days that is a "good thing" and some days that is a "terrible thing".
 
darleneonfire
#76
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Brrhhhhhhhh Sanctus

Don't they supply you fellers with Priestly Long Johns???? Come back and we'll cheer and warm you after your long day is done....


Oh, that's too funny!
 
darleneonfire
#77
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

I have lost many in my life - it seems a family trait - but worst was losing my young husband in nine days - unexpected and like a huge sandstorm which swept through our lives ... and parental care is the topic here...
but I learned from that one significant death about huge pain and loss...

My anger carried me for longer than I can admit and still claims me in moments of memory.. but out of the ashes and anguish comes this one green sprout of positive thought....

In order to experience great love, unselfish devotion to another rather than ourselves, we must gamble on pain of loss.

Pain is life's reminder that we once loved.... a heavy price but the love is worth it.


What a wonderfully positive attitude you have! I am not so sure I'd have come out of such an event so well-balanced. May I ask a personal question? Did you ever re-marry?
 
Curiosity
#78
Darlene

Glad you enjoyed my teasing Sanctus - the joy of having him here with us is I can't resist lobbing some questions at him which I have never dared ask other less worldly or full of fun priests as is Sanctus. He takes some heavy hits in the name of his work.... but he maintains his humanity and humor and it does him so very well.

Re your question....It hasn't been that long. I doubt I will now as I have settled pretty much into a
strange life of finding out how strong and resilient I am - something I was never tested in before. There are lonely moments when I turn to say "did you...." and have to realize there is no sharing and I miss it. Often I laugh anyway because somehow I think speech is finally unnecessary and my intended remark is heard regardless
 
karrie
#79
my heart goes out to all those who have discussed their personal losses on this thread. I wish there was more to say. *hugs* to you all.
 
hermanntrude
#80
A little off-topic but what if you need care BEFORE you're elderly? think of the issues there. My sister was born with cerebral paulsy and it was made worse during a bungled eye operation at 18 months. She lived happily at home with us for many years but eventually grew to a size which made it hard for my mother (a single parent with a disabled daughter and a troublesome, angry son) to handle her any more.

Can you imagine the difficulty of choosing to have your daughter put in permanant care?

she's been in care now for probably 15 years, i'm not really sure how long, probably more. Some of the places she's been in were horrible, some a lot better, some actually quite good.
 
karrie
#81
Quote: Originally Posted by hermanntrudeView Post

A little off-topic but what if you need care BEFORE you're elderly? think of the issues there. My sister was born with cerebral paulsy and it was made worse during a bungled eye operation at 18 months. She lived happily at home with us for many years but eventually grew to a size which made it hard for my mother (a single parent with a disabled daughter and a troublesome, angry son) to handle her any more.

Can you imagine the difficulty of choosing to have your daughter put in permanant care?

she's been in care now for probably 15 years, i'm not really sure how long, probably more. Some of the places she's been in were horrible, some a lot better, some actually quite good.

My grandparents faced the same dilemna. It can be brutal for a family. My aunt was held in by the nurses during birth, because the doctor hadn't arrived yet. Grandma blacked out from the pain, but as far as she can recall, the nurses forcibly held the baby from being born for almost 20 minutes, until the doctor showed up. Then, they let go, and aunty was born all at once, which can cause brain damage in and of itself. A tiny settlement was paid, roughly $2000, and grandma and grandpa were left with the brutal decision of what to do with her. The rest of the kids grew up dirt poor because of the cost of the institutions aunty lived in.
 
Curiosity
#82
Hermann

The stories people have to share here are amazing....

I think I'll make some flash cards for myself with the messages on each so I can read them when I am feeling sorry for myself.

Each one seems more difficult than the last.....and we continue to endure....
 
sanctus
#83
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Brrhhhhhhhh Sanctus

Don't they supply you fellers with Priestly Long Johns???? Come back and we'll cheer and warm you after your long day is done....


No, but it wasn't so bad. The first was quick, as the body is being cremated and interred in the Spring. The second was placed in a masoleum, so it wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be.

One thing that got on my nerves today, though, at the second one. I had no sooner given the final Blessing at the burial spot when two of the daughters began a spat over their mother's China set.

Now this fits this topic I think, people at funerals fighting over "things". And before you all start saying as long as there's a will, let me tell you something! I've done I don't know how many funerals and been involved with I don't know how many dying people since I was ordained in 1996, and let me tell you, even with a will there always seems to be family squabbling. It is very sad, and so common it only surprises me when there isn't a squabble over something or other with the Estate of the deceased.
 
sanctus
#84
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

my heart goes out to all those who have discussed their personal losses on this thread. I wish there was more to say. *hugs* to you all.


Personally, these sorts of threads are much more interesting to me then arguing over religious beliefs or politics. To me, this is the true power of the internet, a place where we can share our humanity with one another.
 
karrie
#85
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

.... even with a will there always seems to be family squabbling. It is very sad, and so common it only surprises me when there isn't a squabble over something or other with the Estate of the deceased.

In my experience, it has less to do with the fight over the stuff, and more to do with occupying your mind so that you don't have to focus on the grief.

I have yet to see any funeral where people didn't jump at a chance to be angry over piddly things.
 
sanctus
#86
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

In my experience, it has less to do with the fight over the stuff, and more to do with occupying your mind so that you don't have to focus on the grief.

I have yet to see any funeral where people didn't jump at a chance to be angry over piddly things.


Exactly. A few years back, for example, I went to hospital to give a dying woman her Last Rites. In the hallway, as their mother lay dying, her four adult children were arguing over the hymns she would have at her funeral. I see this all the time, and it is, as I have already stated, very sad.
 
hermanntrude
#87
Quote: Originally Posted by CuriosityView Post

Hermann

The stories people have to share here are amazing....

I think I'll make some flash cards for myself with the messages on each so I can read them when I am feeling sorry for myself.

Each one seems more difficult than the last.....and we continue to endure....

Better than endure. My family (and many who have been through far worse) are very happy. my sister is in a comfortable home and gets visits more than weekly and excellent medical care, mum started her own business and now jetsets to america and spain on a regular basis, and i've emigrated to lovely canada with my wife. I honestly consider my family very lucky.

As mentioned in the thread about anti-depressants, It's not the problems life gives you that matter, it's how you deal with them. I learned very slowly
 
karrie
#88
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

Personally, these sorts of threads are much more interesting to me then arguing over religious beliefs or politics. To me, this is the true power of the internet, a place where we can share our humanity with one another.

Amen.
 
sanctus
#89
Quote: Originally Posted by hermanntrudeView Post

Better than endure. My family (and many who have been through far worse) are very happy. my sister is in a comfortable home and gets visits more than weekly and excellent medical care, mum started her own business and now jetsets to america and spain on a regular basis, and i've emigrated to lovely canada with my wife. I honestly consider my family very lucky.

As mentioned in the thread about anti-depressants, It's not the problems life gives you that matter, it's how you deal with them. I learned very slowly


You're totally correct. And don't fret, most of us learn this lesson very slowly. Funny how the stuff that seemed so damned important at 20 seems utterly trivial at 47!
 
Curiosity
#90
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

No, but it wasn't so bad. The first was quick, as the body is being cremated and interred in the Spring. The second was placed in a masoleum, so it wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be.

One thing that got on my nerves today, though, at the second one. I had no sooner given the final Blessing at the burial spot when two of the daughters began a spat over their mother's China set.

Now this fits this topic I think, people at funerals fighting over "things". And before you all start saying as long as there's a will, let me tell you something! I've done I don't know how many funerals and been involved with I don't know how many dying people since I was ordained in 1996, and let me tell you, even with a will there always seems to be family squabbling. It is very sad, and so common it only surprises me when there isn't a squabble over something or other with the Estate of the deceased.

Sanctus - I am pleased you were spared the weather.....

Re people fighting - strangely enough I have been preparing my Will the past week and think I'll include an instruction to the Executor if anyone commences disagreement, take them off the list of beneficiaries.

I have seen far too many of these ugly scenes - like carrion picking bones....
 

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