So....

Reverend Blair
#1
Have you ever been sitting at your desk opening a beer with a stapler and suddenly felt a sharp pain? In my experience it usually means that you've just driven a Swingline Standard Staple into your thumb...not your thumb proper, but that meaty part of your hand by the lifeline that indicates that you've been dead for at least six years.

If this happens to you, and it happens more than you'd suspect, I recommend bending the bottle cap you just removed in two and using it to pry the staple from your flesh. Once the staple is removed and you've done panting like a woman giving birth, get a dog to lick your hand. It's not hygenic, but they seem to like the taste of blood and how many germs could get into those two little holes anyway?
 
GL Schmitt
#2
No, that has never happened to me, because my Swingline is out of staples and I am too cheap to spring for more. Instead, I clip papers together by holding them in place with a folded-over beer cap.

Does anybody know if there is such a thing as Carpal Thumb Syndrome?
 
Colpy
#3
You're a sick, sick man, Rev.
 
Ocean Breeze
#4
rev and GL......too funny. One can almost visualize this....

carp thumb syndrome!! ( good one)
 
mreilley
#5
This is what would happen if Quebec separated:
Based on the "Fraser Institute SIC List 1994" of the world's most severely indebted economies, an independent Quebec would be the 28th most severely indebted country in the world, with a government debt burden just behind Madagascar and just ahead of Jamaica. An independent Quebec would join the Third World in terms of its all-government indebtedness.

Taking all levels of government into account, total debt charges would be an estimated $23.7 billion as of March 31, 1994 for an independent Quebec, compared with $15.3 billion for Quebec within Confederation. This 54.9 percent increase in debt charges would pose a significant financing challenge for an independent Quebec.

A potential consequence of Quebec leaving the Canadian Confederation may be an unwillingness of foreign and domestic investors to lend money, not only to Quebec, but also to the Rest of Canada. The negotiations leading to separation would dispel whatever government debt illusion that may have existed on the part of investors in Canadian and Quebec government bonds as to the severity of the debt burden facing Canadians and Quebeckers and the impossibility of servicing this debt while maintaining government services without unprecedented tax increases and/or further borrowing.

Should Quebeckers decide to separate from Canada, Quebec's Separation Obligation to Canada would be $150.6 billion as of March 31, 1994 (today this amount would be about 30% higher). This amounts to $20,888 for every man, woman, and child in Quebec, or $83,552 per family of four. The study contains a seven step methodology for measuring Quebec's share of government of Canada assets and liabilities.

Quebeckers would face a difficult fiscal choice after separation. Should they wish to continue to enjoy the same level of services and benefits from their new national government in Quebec City as previously received from Ottawa, their federal taxes that would be going to Quebec City, which presently go to Ottawa, would have to be sharply increased, perhaps by as much as 53.5 percent.

If there is opposition to higher taxes and Quebeckers continue to pay the same amount of tax to their new national government in Quebec City that they presently send to Ottawa, the services they would receive for programs after the annual payment of their Separation Obligation to Canada would be 46.5 percent of the level of program expenditures received prior to separation.

An independent Quebec would have an all-government net debt-to-GDP ratio of 149.4 percent, compared with a Quebec as a Canadian province net debt-to-GDP ratio of 127.1 percent as of March 31, 1994. This measure of debt includes all levels of government in Quebec.

The debt burden of an independent Quebec would be more severe than that of any Canadian province, except Newfoundland, and more severe than that of any OECD country, including Belgium, Ireland, and Italy.
 
zenfisher
#6
Wow...Rev your stapler event has started things moving in national proportions. Try not to do anything major...things may happen on a global basis... :P
 
Reverend Blair
#7
I think the Fraser Institute would have an entirely different list if they had the grace and skill to open beer bottles with staplers, mreilley.

You know how things happen around here, Zen...it's either global or you have to look at map.
 
missile
#8
If I was you,I'd add a bottle opener to my Christmas Wish List..c'mon, a pen refill and a pair of slippers isn't enough for someone like you
 
Hard-Luck Henry
#9
I once slipped whilst using a nailgun, and nailed my thumb to my garden fence. I panted a lot, too, which must have put passersby off coming to help - as I was in a little discomfort, I was unable to be as polite as I should have been ... I was pointing and yelling at people on the street "Oi! Pass me the snips ... in the tool box ... there! There, the feckin' box! With tools in! For feck's sake!"
I finally got some bloke to come over for a closer look; he just stood there, looking from me to the box, and back again, wondering what the catch was. When he finally noticed that I was actually affixed to the fence the gasped: "Jesus christ!", then stood there, dithering.
"Close, mate; I haven't got the crown of thorns, yet," I replied, rather drolly in the circumstances, If I do say so myself, "but, as you can see, I have got the feckin' nail through my hand! The snips, please ... "
Anyway, "luckily" the nail had passed through the softer tissue of the knuckle, rather than the bone, so all's well, that ends well ...
 
Nascar_James
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by Reverend Blair

Have you ever been sitting at your desk opening a beer with a stapler and suddenly felt a sharp pain? In my experience it usually means that you've just driven a Swingline Standard Staple into your thumb...not your thumb proper, but that meaty part of your hand by the lifeline that indicates that you've been dead for at least six years.

If this happens to you, and it happens more than you'd suspect, I recommend bending the bottle cap you just removed in two and using it to pry the staple from your flesh. Once the staple is removed and you've done panting like a woman giving birth, get a dog to lick your hand. It's not hygenic, but they seem to like the taste of blood and how many germs could get into those two little holes anyway?

Ahemmm ... Rev, ever think of investing in a bottle cap opener?
 
Ocean Breeze
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by Nascar_James

Quote: Originally Posted by Reverend Blair

Have you ever been sitting at your desk opening a beer with a stapler and suddenly felt a sharp pain? In my experience it usually means that you've just driven a Swingline Standard Staple into your thumb...not your thumb proper, but that meaty part of your hand by the lifeline that indicates that you've been dead for at least six years.

If this happens to you, and it happens more than you'd suspect, I recommend bending the bottle cap you just removed in two and using it to pry the staple from your flesh. Once the staple is removed and you've done panting like a woman giving birth, get a dog to lick your hand. It's not hygenic, but they seem to like the taste of blood and how many germs could get into those two little holes anyway?

Ahemmm ... Rev, ever think of investing in a bottle cap opener?

why would he do that?? ...........and spoil the fun. ??? Have no story to tell??? Bottle cap openers are just soooo blaze....(ordinary).
 
Reverend Blair
#12
Some of you seem to think that bottler openers are some magic piece of equipment. They aren't. I do own some, including one shaped like a skull. I don't use them though. There's a reason for that.

You see, I grew up before the invention of the twist off cap. Somewhere along the line, when I was about 17, I think, I discovered that I could open a beer with almost anything. TV remotes, women's shoes, the push-buttons on a car radio, a telephone receiver, an empty bottle, a full bottle...anything with a reasonable amount of rigidity.

So when I use a stapler to open a beer, I'm just keeping my strange talents honed because one day they will ban twist-off caps and, following that, there will come a time where there is beer and no opener.
 
GreenGreta
#13
Ahhh Rev, I caught ya.... There were no TV remotes when you were 17.

I just loved the guys who would open the bottle with their teeth. Oh so sexy.

Let's see your teeth now chumpy.
 
Andygal
#14
Terribly sorry Henry, but your story made me laugh.

I guess it proves the old adage "it's only funny till somebody gets hurt, then it's hilarious"
 
Reverend Blair
#15
Quote:

Ahhh Rev, I caught ya.... There were no TV remotes when you were 17.

I just loved the guys who would open the bottle with their teeth. Oh so sexy.

Let's see your teeth now chumpy.

There were remotes. They weren't even connected to wires.

I never opened beer with my teeth. My teeth are all gone though, so maybe I should have.
 
GL Schmitt
#16
I remember in 1965, being driven at 85 miles per hour down a loose gravel road north of Smith Falls, as the driver opened his sixth beer of the morning and explained to me that if God hadn’t intended people to drink and drive, He wouldn’t have put bottle openers on the steering column.

Before I could rebut his proposition, he pointed out a particular telephone pole — made of raw unweather wood, which contrasted with the faded-grey poles elsewhere along that stretch — and explained that it replaced the one he had hit with his car, eleven feet in the air, breaking the pole into three separate pieces, six weeks earlier, when he had last had an auto accident.

I further learned that my driver had survived eleven accidents in the seven years he had been driving, the last two in the present calendar year. It was still only May.

My best friend’s brother-in-law or not, I vowed at that precise instant to never again allow myself to ride in any vehicle that he was operating.

Not even I have so robust a death wish!
 
Nascar_James
#17
Quote: Originally Posted by Reverend Blair

Some of you seem to think that bottler openers are some magic piece of equipment. They aren't. I do own some, including one shaped like a skull. I don't use them though. There's a reason for that.

You see, I grew up before the invention of the twist off cap. Somewhere along the line, when I was about 17, I think, I discovered that I could open a beer with almost anything. TV remotes, women's shoes, the push-buttons on a car radio, a telephone receiver, an empty bottle, a full bottle...anything with a reasonable amount of rigidity.

So when I use a stapler to open a beer, I'm just keeping my strange talents honed because one day they will ban twist-off caps and, following that, there will come a time where there is beer and no opener.

Interesting. However if you buy imported beer, you will very likely have to use your er ... stapler ?!? I still think it's silly to use any mechanism (bottle cap opener, stapler, counter ..etc) to open up a bottle of domestic beer. They are all twist tops. Simply look at the label on the bottle after you grab it out of the fridge.
 
Ocean Breeze
#18
GL: an aside from topic. for a moment......but I ADORE your avatar.

Good catch... ! or Did you make it???
 
no1important
#19
Twist tops are to modern for me, I like opening my beer/cider bottles the old fashioned way, with a screwdrver, the few real teeth I have left, side of counter or with bottle opener, makes it more fun.
 
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