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Pat Robertson Raids Emmy Awards
“To Hell with Hollywood, I’ll make my own shows!”
EWM - (September 19, 2005) Evangelist Pat Roberson shocked Hollywood’s glitterati last night when he stormed the red carpet at the Emmy Awards and announced a fall lineup of Christian-themed knockoffs of popular television programs.
Robertson’s surprise entrance began when leaped onto the carpet, punched “E” fashion reporter Star Jones in the stomach and grabbed her microphone. He was accompanied by a trio of big-haired gals in low-hemmed, high-collared gowns that will star in the network’s flagship program, “Despotic Housewives.”
“We’re taking back our televisions in the name of the Lord,” said Robertson. “America shall no longer be held hostage by the hedonistic and vile programming produced by Hollywood heretics. It’s all about choice and making sure people have the right to choose is what we’re all about.”
Robertson said that the programs will be produced by Revelations Studios, a new subsidiary of the Christian Broadcast Network. Its offerings include:
Ten Simple Rules, In this uproarious comedy, a vengeful God smites a sinful Democratic Congressman from California and his widow and two teenaged daughters seek to remake their lives by strictly adhering to the Ten Commandments. In the opener, things get dicey when young Kerry confuses the onset of menstruation with the first plague of Egypt and is arrested for dumping barrels of pesticide in the neighborhood to ward off frogs, flies, locusts and lice. Alabama Judge Roy Moore plays himself in the episode.
The Will of Grace, Grace Bryant is a virginal grade school teacher whose best friend Will Gannon is a White House correspondent with a shocking secret, he’s convinced he’s “gay” and has no desire for women. It’s a load of laughs as Grace flirts and flaunts her womanly features in an effort to arouse Will, all the while knowing that she must maintain her virginity. Will prayer cure Will of his gay delusion? Does Grace have the will to keep her heavenly hymen intact? Tune in Sunday nights and see!
CSI Topeka, A crack team of Kansas-based Christian evolutionary biologists, led by dashing Dr. Clarence Scopes, travels the globe debunking Darwinism and exposing dinosaur myths. In the pilot episode, the team proves that a frozen Neanderthal found in an iceberg in is actually a descendant of the Kennedy clan who owed his coarse body hair and funky forehead to inbreeding.
Salvation Island, This new Christian reality show is sure to be the most controversial as actual sinners are kidnapped and taken to a remote island where they are given a taste of the hereafter until they accept Jesus Christ. The first episode gets underway with some hot rock, literally, as Madonna and Britney Spears are made to dance on red-hot brimstone while reprising their famous kiss. In a later episode entitled “Delivered from Deliverance,” film-maker Michael Moore is forced to squeal for salvation by guest inquisitor Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.
Despotic Housewives, Three upstanding Texas housewives have had enough of the decadence encroaching on suburbia and take matters into their own hands. In the pilot, the girls chain themselves to a nativity scene at the local library after the liberal city council orders it removed. Things get really interesting when the three wise men happen by and find the lovelies bound to their savior and ready for redemption.
Robertson also announced that the network has signed a lucrative advertising deal with the Republican National Committee that includes product placement within the programs, beginning with a cameo by Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison on Despotic Housewives.