The Literary Review Bad Sex Award

Are you all familiar with this particular British institution, or do you have a similar award yourselves? It's awarded annually, to the author of the most laughable description of sex in a contemporary novel.
The current holder of this prestigious award is Tom Wolfe, for his novel "I Am Charlotte Simmons." (Funnily enough, he failed to turn up to collect his prize).
An excerpt: "Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

Purrleeeasse!

My own favourite, if that's the word, has to be the 2001 winner - Christopher Hart, "Rescue Me".
"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole ... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror -- she will surely want to pitch her tent." :lol

Anyone else want to add anything?

not that I know of henry :P

That’s funny stuff Henry, but I'm not so sure I want to "explore" this sort of thread with you.

Have you read Charlotte Simmons, Henry? I think hog swallop might be a good description of it. I only read a few pages before I started wondering who stole Tom Wolfe's brain, then I gave it back to its righful owner.

Most of the reviews I've read have made my opinion look gentle too. I kind of wish I would have read them before I wasted my time trying to read those few pages.

No Rev, I haven't: I've only read those few lines, and that was enough for me. Thanks for the review, though.

This is a pretty funny site henry :P

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It would be funny if it wasn't so true

I think the worst sex writing I've ever seen is in a friend's (unfinished and unpublished) s/f novel. When I first read it I thought he'd included every cliche he could think of as joke. turns out he was serious.

I do know one piece by a Dutch writer, but it's just far too gross to post here! Within four sentences or so, you have the words "balls", "semen", "big turd" and "sliding down" .... My sister (the pervert :P ) could only laugh when she read that, now she wants to go buy the book (she hasn't read a book in like, the last 10 ten years ...)

Sounds like a male conversation to me ricky :P Your sister sounds like she know her perverts victorious is excluded of course

That's the trouble with trying to write about the sexual act - it either sounds perverse, just plain hilarious, or both. There is no middle way; far better to set the scene, and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.

It could have been a male conversation ... but this was just a plain sex scene And the guy who wrote it has passed the age of 80 ... My sister the pervert She will kick my ass when she reads this ... well, thinkin' 'bout it, probably not, because I'm way much stronger than here :P She has done some pretty kinky things though ... but I will not share that with you, this is the Internet, eh!

Ever read Michel Houellebecq's "Atomised" - on face value, it's seems quite mysogynistic; it's full of degrading, unfeeling sex, but if you can stomach it it's actually worth the effort it takes to read. The merit in the novel is in its dismantling of contemporary society and its assumptions. it's deliberately, even provocatively, politically incorrect, but full of insight; caustic and penetrating asides on everything from anthropology to the problem pages of girls' magazines.
It's a difficult read in some ways, but recommended nonetheless.

OK, I'll write that one down Henry - Michel Houellebecq, "Atomised"