If you were God....


researchok
#31
Quote:

Ha, good try! Damn, all this talk about White Spot is making me crazy to go there for a snack. No, though, today I must (gasp) work.

Right. Now that we've got that lie out of the way, what next....

Research, you are so right, Brown Spot sure doesn't work as well, does it. Unless, of course, one is thinking about Smarties.

Do I take that to mean Fuscia Spot resonates?

Just out of curiosity-- are you afflicted with colour blindness?[/quote]
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#32
No, only men are afflicted with colour blindness, silly. This is actually true, believe it or not.

And no fuscia is a colour I really, really hate. On anything except flowers, and even then it is suspect.
 
researchok
#33
I didnt know that about men and colourblindness-- thanks for the info.

As for me, I have a problem with colours named after vegetation.

Pumpkin, Peach, Plum, Onion, Kumkwat, Prune, Ugli Fruit....
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#34
Quote: Originally Posted by researchok

I didnt know that about men and colourblindness-- thanks for the info.

As for me, I have a problem with colours named after vegetation.

Pumpkin, Peach, Plum, Onion, Kumkwat, Prune, Ugli Fruit....

Oh god I hate those stupid terms. I hate 'em right up there with the names they dream up for housing development. They always suck. Cedar Wynd, West Wynd (what, they can't spell wind right?), Cedar Grove (no cedars), Oakaview Estates (no oaks) and so on. There are far worse ones, but my mind has deliberately blanked them out or else I might have to do my god thing and Wreak Havok on them.
 
researchok
#35
Dont laugh--we have stone creek, stone bridge, stonemoor, stonewall, stone river, stone plantation.....

OK, now, can you see the common theme?

By the way, never, EVER paint with 'mustard'
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#36
Quote: Originally Posted by researchok

Dont laugh--we have stone creek, stone bridge, stonemoor, stonewall, stone river, stone plantation.....

OK, now, can you see the common theme?

By the way, never, EVER paint with 'mustard'

And I'll bet there's nary a stone around, right?

As for mustard, it is the WORST COLOUR IN THE WORLD. I hate it for clothes, houses, cars, anything. That colour should be taken out and shot, but only after it has been painted something decent. Don't even talk to me about mustard, I'll go mad.
 
researchok
#37
Remind me not to ask how you feel about LIME.
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#38
Quote: Originally Posted by researchok

Remind me not to ask how you feel about LIME.

Hmm, nah... I'm jiggy with lime. Just keep the mustard away from me, and the fuschia, too.
 
peapod
#39
Research this might help you with your colour issues.


There was a time when color was strictly the woman's province. My Dad picked the car, the engine, the tires, and the power accessories but the colors were for Mom to choose. I remember our first new car. Dad brought home a huge book of GM paint chips and upholstery swatches and placed it in front of Mom , like some mysterious puzzle. Mom would agonize over whether Champagne Mist or Platinum Mist would best carry our family into the 70s.

These days, men participate in the color decisions. But not always with confidence and skill.

Watch the guy in the body shop match paint, blending it wet, eyeballing the mix and knowing it will dry to a precise match to the slightly faded color on the neighboring panel. Then watch him meet his wife in the furniture store and tremble when faced with a choice between periwinkle and cornflower.

Men like things simple. For instance, there are three blues: Dark blue, light blue, and turquoise. A really sensitive guy knows about navy (that's dark blue, for the rest of you.) Eight Crayolas are enough for most men. The only reason a man needs the 64 Crayola set is because he wants the built-in sharpener.

Men, there will come a time, no matter how skillful you are at ducking into the garage, when you will be expected to help pick a color. Maybe it will be the new living room paint; maybe some shoes; maybe even something as fraught with danger as new drapes.

"No-o-o-o!" you say! "Let me hunt the saber-tooth! Let me rebuild a carb! But don't make me pick drapes!"

Relax, compadré. It's not as tricky as you fear. All you need is this, the Handy-Dandy Guide to Fluffy Colors. We'll translate all those strange and exotic color names into terms you can understand. When she asks if you prefer the mauve or the peach, you can sneak a quick peek at the Guide and confidently point to the right patch as you triumphantly say, "This one, the mauve, is just the shade to pick up the magenta flecks in the new lamp. And I like its silvery quality!"

Okay, I lied. You'll never talk like that, even if you memorize this stupid guide. Colors go in and out of style and new names appear all the time. Color mastery is beyond us unless we read the fashion magazines and pay attention to color trends. And if we do that, how will we have time for important things, like teaching our sons to spit?

Maybe you'll never be a color wizard, but with this guide, you will sometimes know what she's talking about and every so often, you may even have a good suggestion. In any event, you're sure to surprise women by using these terms – because their expectations are low.

White Big trick! There is snow white, ivory, antique, oyster, cream, winter white, appliance white, and a zillion more. Off-white — there's a funny one. Just be careful when you're in white territory.
Black Much safer than white but watch out for very dark blues which are decidedly not "black."
Gray Trickier than white, there are warm grays (brownish or pinkish or mauvish) and cool grays (bluish or sometimes referring to neutral grays). Then there are greenish grays which, I have just been told, are "very critical." Grays are tricky. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Charcoal Dark-to-medium gray. Lighter than the color of new charcoal, darker than the color of charcoal ash.
Silvery Different from "silver," refers to a sheen. any color can have a silvery quality, except brown, which is not permitted to be silvery.
Rust An easy color. Unfortunately, it is very out right now.
Beige Very light brown, reallll close to off-white
Cocoa Light-medium brown
Chocolate Milk chocolate, they mean
Mahogany Why can't they all be this easy?
Lilac Light purple, but not lavender
Lavender Light purple, but not lilac
Orchid Purple
Violet Purple
Grape Dark purple
Indigo Very dark purple
Mauve A subdued pinkish grayish purple-like color. or, light pink with a silvery quality. Good luck with this one.
Carnation Bubble gum pink
Magenta BRIGHT reddish-pink
Fuschia BRIGHT purple-pink
Hot pink Really BRIGHT pink
Rose "Roses are red..." Wrong. Rose is dark pink.
Scarlet Major red
Red A trick. There are orange reds (think of a tomato) and bluish reds (think raspberry). Women are very sensitive to nuances in red (look at the lipstick display in the drug store, if you dare). Picking between shades of red is too advanced for most of us.
Burgundy Dark purple-red
Maroon Very dark red
Brick They mean red bricks
Pumpkin Slightly brownish orange
Football If Levolor would use some names like this, maybe we would willingly help pick out new blinds
Tangerine Red-orange
Peach Light orange. You would not eat a peach this pale.
Mango Bright melon
Salmon Orange
Trout Why isn't there a color "trout?" It would even be silvery.
Melon Who makes up these names? This one means light orange, the color of the inside of a cantaloupe. You're supposed to know this?
Autumn gold Yellow-Orange, to us.
Harvest gold Yellow-Orange, to us.
Lemon Yes! It's yellow! You're getting the hang of this.
Gold Cub Scout yellow
Goldenrod Yellow-Orange, to us.
Stanley yellow Or Caterpillar tractor yellow. Why can't they use terms like these?
Chartreuse Very bright green
Lime green Green
Kelly green Who the hell is Kelly? This is major green. That's how you remember it. Yes, Major Kelly, Sir!
Avocado Darker than the inside, lighter than the outside. Actually, the green color they used for appliances in the sixties.
Olive Army green
Forest green Dark green
Sea green Turquoise (Dark teal, for you advanced color captains)
Turquoise Blue-green
Mint Green Dark sea foam
Aqua Light turquoise
Sea foam Lighter turquoise, a bit more green
Baby blue Light blue
Cyan Sky blue
Powder blue Light blue. You have never seen powder this color.
Teal Thank you, San Jose Sharks, for teaching us one damn color.
Makita blue Throw that in a color conversation sometime. There is no woman-name for this exact shade but we know what it is. Ha!
Cornflower Blue-purple
Periwinkle Blue. Cornflower, teal, and periwinkle are pretty in, and have been for some time. The difference between them is pretty subtle and your Y-chromosome prevents you from safely discussing these in any depth. I suggest you nod knowingly and suggest something a little more silvery.
Navy Dark blue
Midnight blue Darker blue
 
researchok
#40
Peapod, thats great stuff!!

I laughed and laughed as I read through the colour 'chart'.

You'll be pleased to know, Ive emailed copies to just about everyone I know....
 
researchok
#41
Peapod, thats great stuff!!

I laughed and laughed as I read through the colour 'chart'.

You'll be pleased to know, Ive emailed copies to just about everyone I know....
 
researchok
#42
Thank you, peapod for helping us guys out.

Let me return the favour, sort of....

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
 
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