A Message from the 1%


Tecumsehsbones
#1
Never check a privilege, Princeton writer Tal Fortgang! Are you mad?

By Alexandra Petri May 8

Lately it has come to my attention (read: my manservant read it to me off a tablet) that a Princeton student has been making waves by denouncing the concept of privilege.

“A Princetonian? DeNOUNCING it?” I bellowed, upsetting a small lacquer table on which I had been resting my polo mallet. My pony, Mortimer, neighed nervously, and I had to console him by hand-feeding him golden raisins and the heart of a pauper child (read: having my manservant hand-feed him golden raisins and the heart of a pauper child). “Talk about biting the hand that feeds one!” I added as Mortimer nibbled his fingers.

I soon read the article in its entirety (external - login to view), as well as the veritable sea of responses (external - login to view), all in varying degrees of dudgeon. If you printed out all the responses (external - login to view) to the Princeton Privilege Guy and laid them end to end (you would have to do it, not me, as I am unaccustomed to this sort of manual labor), it would stretch around that Ivy League campus twice, or, for comparison purposes, just once around the circumference of a private island on which I midsummer. (Summering in just one place is gauche and arriviste.)

It seems to me that people are approaching this in a way that is COMPLETELY and APPALLINGLY wrong, like someone who tries to use a lobster fork for salad.

“Check your privilege,” people told this fine lad (any Princeton lad is a fine lad), and instead of rearing up to his full height, shaking forth his leonine mane of yacht-ready hair, and bellowing, “I HAVE INDEED CHECKED MY PRIVILEGE AND FOUND IT AMPLE AND MAGNIFICENT, LIKE MY PERSONAL ENDOWMENT! (read: trust fund . . . ladieees) CAN YOU SAY THE SAME OF YOURS?,” he tried to object that, in fact, his ancestors had to work hard to get him where he was. As though, somehow, that was something to boast of! As though he admitted the idea that too much privilege might leave one unfit to converse on a given subject!

This must halt.

Privilege is not what it used to be, as my grandfather used to murmur wistfully.

When privilege was privilege, you would die before having to check it. Check it? Like a piece of luggage on a jet that was not private?
My manservant informs me that this is America (I spring here, wintering and autumning elsewhere for tax havens), where privilege is frowned on. In order to get anywhere, be it public office or making your voice heard on the Internet, you must insist that you suffered. The absence of privilege is a kind of currency, and — unlike bitcoin, tiny chunks of marble or gilt leopard paws — it is a currency I lack.
It seems that Tal may have mistaken the origin of this phrase, as though being told to Check Your Privilege meant “apologize for or explain away the advantages you’ve had” rather than “consider the perspective from which you come before you enter a conversation.”

This seems a minor inconvenience at best, like being given the keys to someone else’s custom Maserati instead of your own.
Besides, I think we are coming at this from the wrong end of the stick. (I have never seen or touched a stick, but I feel confident that I grasp what a stick is from my extensive reading.)

I think it is time that someone spoke up for privilege. Just because one comes from privilege does not mean that one must be silenced, or my name isn’t Rockefeller Carnegie Kennedy Croesus V, VIII and my money isn’t so old that it is certified on the National Registry of Historic Places. Why, I have disdainfully returned wine to sommeliers that was older and more distinguished than your entire lineage. And I will not apologize! Next they’ll want me to apologize for my coat made from peasant-toupees!

Yes, I have checked my privilege. It is still there, and it is glorious. My privilege accompanies me on my yacht, on the croquet field and would, I assume, remain with me if I ever attempted to stroll past a police car in the evening, allowing me to pass by it entirely unmolested. In the workplace, I am called Boss, not bossy. I love whom I choose, thanks to my right of jus primae noctis! My privilege is my second-most prized possession, after a large rug made entirely of sluggish Persian cats.

I will gladly consider it before entering any conversation. Consider it, and savor it! Check my privilege? My privilege has earned at least a check-plus.

Indeed, it is safe to say that the club of people whose opinions carry instant weight on racism, privilege and sexism is the ONLY club that would not readily admit me as a member.

(However, I am sure that if my grandfather offered to donate a building of sufficient size, they might reconsider.)
Never check a privilege, Princeton writer Tal Fortgang! Are you mad? (external - login to view)
 
Spade
+2
#2
As being one of the 1%, I resent breathing the same air that lesser mortals have exhaled. I avoid crowds and Conservative conventions.
 
Tecumsehsbones
#3
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

As being one of the 1%, I resent breathing the same air that lesser mortals have exhaled. I avoid crowds and Conservative conventions.

Now, now. Charity, Mr. Spade. I have no problem with hoi polloi breathing the air I have exhaled. As for air they have exhaled, why don't you just order in bottled pure mountain air like the rest of us?
 
Spade
+2
#4
Pure mountain air bottled in pine forests near Banff is not always available at Harrods. I have taken up wearing a medical mask sprinkled with the Essence of Royalty captured at Buckingham Palace and distilled under the strictest conditions by Oxford deans.
 
Locutus
#5
man I love being beige.
 
Spade
+2
#6
Eeewww, just thinking of mingling with minions gives me the hives. Think I shall relax in a hot bath. Now, where is that chambermaid?

Quote: Originally Posted by LocutusView Post

man I love being beige.

A leopard cannot change her spots.
 
Tecumsehsbones
+2
#7
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Pure mountain air bottled in pine forests near Banff is not always available at Harrods. I have taken up wearing a medical mask sprinkled with the Essence of Royalty captured at Buckingham Palace and distilled under the strictest conditions by Oxford deans.

Oh, dear, didn't you know? If you buy the Wellendorf air bottles, they will refill them anywhere, any time.

That medical mask certainly sounds tres chic, I must say. Have they an outlet in Washington, or shall I have to wait until my next shopping trip to Manhattan?

Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

A leopard cannot change her spots.

But you can rely on a grubby little 99%er to start blathering about race.

I suppose that's why they're 99%ers. Flawed priorities.
 
Spade
+3
#8
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post


But you can rely on a grubby little 99%er to start blathering about race.

I suppose that's why they're 99%ers. Flawed priorities.

O James, fetch my horse and hounds. And, load my blunderbuss. I fear that fetid fox is out - ill tempered from the mange.
 
Count_Lothian
+2
#9
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

As being one of the 1%, I resent breathing the same air that lesser mortals have exhaled. I avoid crowds and Conservative conventions.

Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Pure mountain air bottled in pine forests near Banff is not always available at Harrods. I have taken up wearing a medical mask sprinkled with the Essence of Royalty captured at Buckingham Palace and distilled under the strictest conditions by Oxford deans.

Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Eeewww, just thinking of mingling with minions gives me the hives. Think I shall relax in a hot bath. Now, where is that chambermaid?



A leopard cannot change her spots.

Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

O James, fetch my horse and hounds. And, load my blunderbuss. I fear that fetid fox is out - ill tempered from the mange.

I have a bottle of Napoleon Cognac from 1811 I would love to share with you over cigars.

I've been having a bit of bother with some of the lesser in the forum here old man.
Maybe a few tips on who to actually ignore and who to engage.

 
Tecumsehsbones
+2
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

O James, fetch my horse and hounds. And, load my blunderbuss. I fear that fetid fox is out - ill tempered from the mange.

Really, you should discharge your gamekeeper.

Quote: Originally Posted by Count_LothianView Post

I have a bottle of Napoleon Cognac from 1811 I would love to share with you over cigars.

I've been having a bit of bother with some of the lesser in the forum here old man.
Maybe a few tips on who to actually ignore and who to engage.

Heavens, Count, I had no idea you were a member! You've been joshing us, you clever fellow! How very droll.

Shall we retire to the terrace and view the peasantry?
 
Spade
+1
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by Count_LothianView Post

I have a bottle of Napoleon Cognac from 1811 I would love to share with you over cigars.

I've been having a bit of bother with some of the lesser in the forum here old man.
Maybe a few tips on who to actually ignore and who to engage.

Sounds grand! I shall be over anon. Sweep your drive and dust the lawn chairs!
 
Count_Lothian
+1
#12
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post


Heavens, Count, I had no idea you were a member! You've been joshing us, you clever fellow! How very droll.

Shall we retire to the terrace and view the peasantry?

The peasantry this time of year are not at their best. I prefer a little sun and heat ,which brings out the best in midriff gazing.
We've worked so hard with the dictators of fashion to force the women into showing off their qualities.
My good friend Largerfeld assured me years ago the ****** would show it's wondrous curves in the streets.
His work is done, pity we have to settle for the vulgar term camel toe.
That's the peasantry for you, never knowing and always willing .

Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Sounds grand! I shall be over anon. Sweep your drive and dust the lawn chairs!

Well that's settled then . There's this undercover Johnny coming over as well, any chance you getting Tecumsehbones to tag along.
She has a way I haven't quite put my finger on and nothing like a touch of the creature to figure it out eh.
 
Tecumsehsbones
+1
#13
Quote: Originally Posted by Count_LothianView Post

The peasantry this time of year are not at their best. I prefer a little sun and heat ,which brings out the best in midriff gazing.
We've worked so hard with the dictators of fashion to force the women into showing off their qualities.
My good friend Largerfeld assured me years ago the ****** would show it's wondrous curves in the streets.
His work is done, pity we have to settle for the vulgar term camel toe.
That's the peasantry for you, never knowing and always willing .


Well that's settled then . There's this undercover Johnny coming over as well, any chance you getting Tecumsehbones to tag along.
She has a way I haven't quite put my finger on and nothing like a touch of the creature to figure it out eh.

Why, certainly. Thank you so much for inviting me. I too find that a touch of lubrication aids in resolving problems. Perhaps we can decide on a better term than camel toe.

That would be a day's work.

Haw-haw! I said "work."
 
Twila
+5
#14  Top Rated Post
ROFLMAO. This has been a fabulously entertaining read.
 
Tecumsehsbones
+2
#15
Quote: Originally Posted by TwilaView Post

ROFLMAO. This has been a fabulously entertaining read.

You have our permission to gaze in awe, my dear. Just do be a pet and stay on your own side of the velvet ropes.
 
Twila
+1
#16
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post

You have our permission to gaze in awe, my dear. Just do be a pet and stay on your own side of the velvet ropes.

I think I have the best seat in the house.

Just be careful not to poke out your eye with your pinkies. Sometimes when you bring your nose down to take a sip the pinky can slip right into an eye socket and dislodge it.

Best if you all start wearing monocles. The Count seems to be ahead of you there.
 
Tecumsehsbones
#17
Quote: Originally Posted by TwilaView Post

I think I have the best seat in the house.

Just be careful not to poke out your eye with your pinkies. Sometimes when you bring your nose down to take a sip the pinky can slip right into an eye socket and dislodge it.

Best if you all start wearing monocles. The Count seems to be ahead of you there.

Wait. Bring. . . my. . . nose. . . . . . down?

Whyever would I do such a silly thing?
 
Count_Lothian
+1
#18
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post

You have our permission to gaze in awe, my dear. Just do be a pet and stay on your own side of the velvet ropes.

It reminds me the day of Ascot.
The dreadful smells coming over the from the Grandstand. The food they serve is ghastly .
Of course Mumsy had a nice box in the Royal Enclosure which is still in the family.
Once, one of the children ran off and I had to enter the Grandstand area. The people they let in there, i mean really.


And what pray tell is this person thinking of.
Look at what the peasantry has done to The Fascinator.

 
Twila
+1
#19
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post

Wait. Bring. . . my. . . nose. . . . . . down?

Whyever would I do such a silly thing?

How are you going to enjoy that cognac if your nose is up? One only has to bring it down a bit, for a bit.

Really...this is why the 1% is only 1%. You may want to consider bringing in fresh blood to your proper breeding. It will help to keep your basement free of retarded relatives.
 
Tecumsehsbones
+1
#20
Quote: Originally Posted by TwilaView Post

How are you going to enjoy that cognac if your nose is up? One only has to bring it down a bit, for a bit.

Clearly you have not had the benefit of a proper education. One brings the cognac up to one's nose, dear. One does not bring one's nose down to. . . anything.

Quote:

Really...this is why the 1% is only 1%. You may want to consider bringing in fresh blood to your proper breeding. It will help to keep your basement free of retarded relatives.

If we didn't have basements full of dotty relatives, we really wouldn't be the 1%, now would we?

You see, retarded relatives are simply delightful when one is a 1%er. They're only disgusting and scary in the trailer park. Like everything else in the trailer park.
 
Count_Lothian
+1
#21
Quote: Originally Posted by TwilaView Post

How are you going to enjoy that cognac if your nose is up? One only has to bring it down a bit, for a bit.

Really...this is why the 1% is only 1%. You may want to consider bringing in fresh blood to your proper breeding. It will help to keep your basement free of retarded relatives.

Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post

Clearly you have not had the benefit of a proper education. One brings the cognac up to one's nose, dear. One does not bring one's nose down to. . . anything.


If we didn't have basements full of dotty relatives, we really wouldn't be the 1%, now would we?

You see, retarded relatives are simply delightful when one is a 1%er. They're only disgusting and scary in the trailer park. Like everything else in the trailer park.

Ahh yes indeed those breeding problems.
Well as fortune would have it back home in the UK we have a little organization from which we draw from time to time to keep the gene pool running a little smoother.
it's called the National Front
National Front (UK) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (external - login to view)

Sometimes you find a coal miner's grand daughter and make her a princess.

Here have a look at these prime candidates.
 
Twila
+1
#22
Quote: Originally Posted by TecumsehsbonesView Post

Clearly you have not had the benefit of a proper education. One brings the cognac up to one's nose, dear. One does not bring one's nose down to. . . anything.

Are you going to suck it up your nose too? lol Cause that'd be worth front row seats!
 
Spade
#23
Ahhh, princesses!

Princess Big Block SingSong Disney Junior - YouTube

 
petros
#24
What are the qualifiers for being in the top 1%?

What happens when rural peasants become immensely wealthy?

Does it trickle up?
 
Spade
#25
True one-percenters disdain the nouveaux riches.
 
Tecumsehsbones
+3
#26
Quote: Originally Posted by petrosView Post

What are the qualifiers for being in the top 1%?

Having an income in the top 1%.

Boy, that was tough!

Quote:

What happens when rural peasants become immensely wealthy?

Does it trickle up?

Usually. We're not sure. The rural peasants have never become immensely wealthy.
 
Spade
+3
#27
Perhaps we should enquire? Is there a pleasant peasant present?
 
Goober
+1
#28
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Perhaps we should enquire? Is there a pleasant peasant present?

Yes.
 
petros
#29
What is top of the scale for the 99%¿
 
Tecumsehsbones
+1
#30
Quote: Originally Posted by SpadeView Post

Perhaps we should enquire? Is there a pleasant peasant present?

In point of fact, I was an unpleasant peasant not long ago. Unlike the good Count, I am a recent arrival (don't you DARE say "arriviste!).

Turns out that lots of money smooths the rough edges pretty quickly.

Quote: Originally Posted by petrosView Post

What is top of the scale for the 99%¿

A good question for people who can use the google machine.
 

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