Red Neck Challenge

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South,
and we challenge any so-called "smart"-ass Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required
to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it
take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum. That's easy. Everyone knows the formula is 1 in. per pound of possum, so...(calculating with pencil & paper)...the answer is "10 inches."

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

Also easy. Everyone knows you'd never take B or C out into the wheat field (off road use), but A would be used for that kind of thing, resulting in paint and undercoating loss. Therefore, rusting would occur faster on A - the '65 Ford Fairlane!

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required
to condense the product?

Well now, that's a trick question. We all know that you wouldn't use a CAR radiator, you'd use a big TRUCK radiator. So the answer is 20 of them. (At a gallon per radiator and a batch per hour...my 'rithmutick ain't too good...I can do cipherin' as long as it's one times something!)

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

Simple! 6 kegs, because that's all the room there is left in the pickup.

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

Let's see...there's ol' Blue, Bowser, Sh!t-for-brains, and that oversexed bitch from over yonder. OK, the answer is 4!

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

Only the 3 sons. The 2 daughters are a-gittin' married off as soon as they reach the age of 12. So the answer is NO.

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

Hmm...ol' Doc Parker has a '58 Packard and it's the only car around with a muffler. I figger he's out makin' house calls (especially over at the widder Johnson's house twice a day) so it's probubbly gonna' hit the Doc's car. I'd give 'er a 79% chance. (I calkewlated the odds like this: He visits her 7 days a week and stays about 9 hours each time. So 7 in front of 9 = 79%)

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it
take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

About half an hour. Them guitar-strummin' guys are always lookin' for a bar and we have one in town. And the bartender's dotter is hornier than a mink in heat, so half an hour is about right. (Did you mean "breeding" as in "the act" or akshullie producing one? That's a little tricky.)