Irish Priest

An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to Queensland Catholic Church and one morning he rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station..

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

I love it.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is amistress,
and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door, wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and amask over our
eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a blackleather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
dreams. I love you.' Thenwe made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing araincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word. Then he started to tremble and we had wild sex all
night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner Batman?"

OK. I have a collection:

The Clancy twins stared out across the ocean and Eamonn said:
'Look at all that water.'
'Yes,' said Pat. 'And that's only the top!'

O'Hanlan sat in the cafe and perused the menu. Then he called the waitress and said:
'I don't want a set-price meal, can you do separate orders?'
'Yes sir,' said the waitress. 'What would you like?'
'Well,' said O'Hanlan, 'how much is two boiled eggs?'
Two boiled eggs is £1.50 sir,' was the reply.
'And how much is one boiled egg?' he asked.
'One boiled egg is £1, sir,' muttered the waitress impatiently.
'Well, then,' said O'Hanlan, 'I'll have the other

Sean couldn't believe it. Saturday morning 9.30 a.m. and there's a knock at the door and he's confronted by a debt collector.
'I've come to find out why you haven't made any payments on the double glazing you had fitted.'
'Don't ask me,' said Sean. 'Ask the salesman. Sure he said the stuff would pay for itself in six months!'

Till have a pair of kippers,' said Murphy to the fishmonger.
'I'm sorry. We haven't got a pair left,' said he.
'That's all right,' said Murphy. 'Give me two odd ones, she won't know the difference!'

'Honestly Father,' said Biddie McGrath. 'Your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn't know what sin was till you came to the parish!'

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger.
'Pardon?'
'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'
Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'




It was preaching each Sunday that made Father Brown a few pounds extra on the side. You see he had a weekly bet with the altar boy that he could improvise a sermon on any subject at a moment's notice.
Each week the altar boy left a note on the lectern, and each week the priest ad-libbed his way through. Finally the youngster thought he had the priest stone cold by leaving a note that merely said: 'Constipation'.
Totally unconcerned, Father Brown glanced at the paper looked up and began:
'And Moses, taking the tablets, went up into the mountain ...'

I hear the Irish priests used to get their holy water from the bar and they would taste it to make sure it was good

Nice thread-killer, LM.