Aug. Humour

THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE



Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially
all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'

Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after

rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix &

quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and
helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped

flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake

was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her

new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being

inventive, she looked around the house for something to build

up the center of The cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll

of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church

and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it
opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,

perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell

phone & called her mom.


Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about,

ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people

pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think

about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower

at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob

who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice

was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa,

but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse

to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for

dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful
cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself.."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.”

A Scottish Soldier
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?“
"Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

TIRED OF THE RAIN?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ontario ...

They're still too wet to burn."

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought... well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids... they will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, And by the way, Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock ,

When Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. we had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day..... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,a fter a couple of minutes, She came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my wife,my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And I just sat there... on the couch... naked.

*Creative Puns For "Educated Minds" *



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,

but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.................................................. ......................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.................................................. ......................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.................................................. .....................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.................................................. ......................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.................................................. .....................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.................................................. ......................


Every Man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.................................................. ......................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................................. ......................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.................................................. ......................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.................................................. ......................


'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep

.................................................. ......................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.................................................. ......................


'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk

.................................................. ......................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

.................................................. ......................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

** LIFE IN
THE 1500'S ***


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be
. Here are some facts about the1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for
animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork,
which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates
made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out
for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen tablefor a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a
wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead
ringer..

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Female Comebacks!



Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.



Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.



Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.



Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.



Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.



Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.



Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.



Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?



Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?

The young guy says,! 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair,
big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

I said . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so
well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on
my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What
a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder
suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in
the shed stealing things..
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter,two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'dshot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

God's Problem Now
_
The graveside service just barely finished, when
there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there!'

Anongrams

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Ramblings of a Retired Mind



* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.



* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.



* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!



* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'



* I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.



* I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!



* When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'



* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!



* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!



* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.



* As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal - Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you are a retired Mountie. What did they say if you came in late there? They said, 'Good morning Assistant Commissioner, Tea or Coffee this morning, Sir?'

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, Savings,
Social Security, retirement funds, etc.......
I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.........................
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*****************
**************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set handbrake; put the window down.
4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18... Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release handbrake.

When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first; the truck, the car, playing golf -- always something more important
to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.


Moral to this story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other
is the husband.

The "F" Word
When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the
"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:


11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL (PRICELESS!)


According to
a news report, a certain private school in
Washington was recently
faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them,
and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the
principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all
the girls to the bathroom and meet them there
with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who
had to clean the mirrors every night

(you can just imagine
the yawns from the little princesses).



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then,
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers
... and then there are educators.

Ageing tip

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.

These are actual calls made to various Golf courses and as you are reading this remember that these walk amongst us and

vote........Have a superb weekend and just keep on smilin'........

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather

going to be like that day?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon, but I'm running late.
Can you still get me out early?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it...



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon.

Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price...



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock... In the morning, if possible.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars. Caller: Does that include the balls?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,

'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.