July Humour

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women

is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'He never even had a chance to duck.

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It 's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

" Well, Eve, how is My favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 16 and 20, a woman is like Antarctica...virtually unexplored.

Between 20 and 29, a woman is like Africa...wild and hot.

Between 30 and 39, a woman is like North America...Industrious and forward thinking.

Between 40 and 49, a woman is like Europe...eloquent and refined

Between 50 and 59, a woman is like Asia...traditional yet mysterious

After 60 a woman is like Australia...Everybody knows where it is but nobody goes down there.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Noah Today - Funny, but quite accurate.
--

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .............
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days
when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

**Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later):
Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

**Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.

**Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.*

*Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger
at a party and you think that he is attractive,
is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

**Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

**Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

**Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question,
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

**Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

**Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on
at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Camping Treat

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.


After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front

of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.


"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

Some quotes on golf.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead


You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
~ Lee Trevino


I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett


Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray


The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle


Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner


I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis


Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino


My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson


Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny


There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan


Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus


The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells


I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham


If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman


If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon


You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino


I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

a cheaper health care plan...



You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me, put the ticket under the wiper of the car
and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Theresa called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first.. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. We hadn't brought our car......... We try to have a little fun each
day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.