#1Oct 4th, 2007
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The British Army works like this - If you hang a man and he dies, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his ' phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.
Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal to three fully-clothed miles in France!
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
I watch American comedies and they are as funny as a baby with cancer.
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
Seagoon: Don't worry, We've brought one with us.
When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts
Said Hamlet to Ophelia
"I'll draw a sketch of thee;
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B be or not 2B?"
Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of the silence being broken.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
I woke up this morning and I was still alive, so I am pretty cheerful.
His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
We can't stand about here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen.
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
All men are cremated equal.
Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.
Grytpype-Thynne: Neddy, how would you like £40,000?
Seagoon: In money.
Grytpype-Thynne: Gad, you drive a hard bargain.
Bloodnok: You with the zink cardigan, are you English?
Seagoon: Only by descent.
Bloodnok: By descent?
Seagoon: I came down by parachute!
Minnie: You can't shoot elephants in England.
Crun: Mnk? Why not?
Minnie: They're out of season.
Crun: Does this mean we'll have to have pelican for dinner again?
Minnie: Yes, I'm afraid so.
Crun: Then I'll risk it, I'll shoot an elephant out of season.
Announcer: Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish - as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They are only found in Kent North on a straight line drawn between two points thus making it the shortest distance.
If you kill me, I promise you will never take me alive!
Seagoon: Here's the plan of attack.
Eccles: Looks like a nail.
Seagoon: No, it's a tack.
Bluebottle: Eccles, I'm wearing this new cologne. They say it attracts women like flies.
Eccles: Oh, I wondered why all the women looked like flies!
Grytpype-Thynne: (The Batter Pudding Hurler) has made a fool of the police.
Seagoon: I disagree - we were fools long before he came along.
Moriarty: You have stolen my dentures! I challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapon!
Grytpype-Thynne: TEETH!
Moriarty: Aaargh, I've lost!