#1


Reprise - we're almost six months in.

This happened to me last week. Don't believe me? Why not? You believe Justin!

Justinland
copyright 2016, Murphy

Okay, I just got back from a planning meeting at Eatons, or Eaton, as they call it now. They said Timothy Eaton would want it that way - if he was still alive.

That didn't sit well with me. I responded with, "You know what? If Timothy Eaton was alive, he'd be 183 years old. Frankly, I don't think he'd care what you called his business!"

They told me to sit 'the hell' down and listen. Hmmm...

The door opened, and in walked two guys dressed in dark suits, wearing ear buds, with an obvious bulge in their pants. Jiminy Jillickers! It was the RCMP PPG or Personal Protection Group. Hmmm...

But wait, there's more! Right after they entered and checked the room, he came in. You know, him. The guy. Justin.

I said to the closest dark suit, "Hey buddy, now I know why there's a bulge in your pants! Isn't he dreamy?"

But the guy gives me the stinkeye and pulls his jacket back, revealing that he's gripping an automatic weapon. He was fondling an H&K MP5. Wowzers! That's not Inspector Gadget! Go! Go! Gadget machine gun!

Justin spoke.

"Hi. You know me. My name is Justin. I know, you can't really believe it's me, but it is! I checked me in the mirror just before coming over here, to see if I was still myself. I even rubbed my upper body. Zut Alors! It IS me.

So, like, I have this idea. This is Toronto, right? You guys used to sponsor the Santa Claus Parade, but stopped. I thought that was really mean - until I got into politics and realized that a Christmas parade was salinating many voters. The Buddhists, Jews, Muslims and agnosticals. Yeah, pretty smart, right?"

Mr. Dark Suit whispered to Justin, "You mean ALIEN-ating Voters."

Justin gave that guy a blank stare and said, "There are men from space here too?"

Mr. Dark Suit looked disgusted, and shook his head at the other Mr. Dark Suit as if to say, 'Well, I tried.'

Justin smiled and kept talking.

I am a clever person. My dad used to say, 'Who's my clever little boy?' I'd look around to see if my brothers were in the room, but they weren't, so I'd say, "It's me. Right, daddy?' He'd smile and say, 'That's right, Justin. You're my clever little man!"

So I knew I was smart from an early age. But listen, I don't have much time. Toyz R Us is having a LEGO sale. I wanna get some more and take it with me to Parliament. I got a big office that they keep me in when I'm there. Mr. Smith says we could only stay here for five minutes, so we could spend half an hour there, checking out the LEGO!”

Looking around the room, I could see that the Eaton executive were stunned. By the looks on their faces, you just knew that they were going to fire the building security. Who let this nut bar in?

Justin continued.

So, like, I got this idea! I know that you have a big, toy area, starting in November, for Christmas sales. Why not make everyone happy? Not everyone gets to have fun at Christmas, like Christians do. I wonder why those other people don't celebrate Christmas? Weird, eh? Anyway, Keep the holiday neutral, meaningless and specular!”

The taller, dark suited guy turned to Justin again, and spoke in a low voice.

"That's secular SEC-u-lar. Not specular."

Justin blushed and said, "Gee, thanks Mr. Smith. You're smart too!"

Mr. Dark Suit just rolled his eyes, but said nothing. Justin was really wound up now. He had to tell us the rest of his plan.

My idea is for you guys to open a new holiday display area in all your stores. Chock full of toys, ipods, cell phones and lots of game stuff. I'm a gamer. Gamers know what gamers want. You can call this big toy display 'Justinland' and staff it with barely legal guys and girls of various nationalities, barely, but legally dressed, to work with the public, playing with toys. Sales will go through the roof!”

OK, I was dumbfounded. As if anything Justin said could actually dumbfound me. Nonetheless, I asked,

"Are you sure you're not Justin Bieber?"

Justin smiled and said, "I wish! I could never be that cool!"

With that, the whole entourage turned and left the room. No one spoke. No one moved. Nothing happened for two or three minutes. I couldn't take it anymore and announced that I was leaving too.

As I walked out the door, I told them,

"Don't forget to check the place for hidden cameras. I think that we were just secretly taped for an episode of This Hour Has 22 Minutes or The Rick Mercer Report or something!"



Last edited by Murphy; Feb 7th, 2017 at 04:59 PM..