The Dead Dems New Deal
Hi folks, Franklin Carter of Carter's Fir and Funerary Farm, here to offer you a crazy Christmas deal! We must have drank too much of granddaddy's moonshine, because, here we go again!
My Sales Manager, Judah Ben Buddha, has been sweatin' his circumcised dangly bits off in order to offer Democratic decedents a deal that will make their Christmas - or should I say, their "holiday season", a special one. Oh heck, we know you're upset with the last election, but not havin' your party win shouldn't throw a fukk into your funeral arrangements!
No, we won't put a hex on, or send our president-elect a scathing letter of rebuke, but we are prepared to deliver a very liberal 2 for 1 deal.
We're calling our limited time offer, The Dead Dems New Deal!
1. We'll burn and bury your dead a$$ in our special, "Magical Enchanted Forest", so you can be with others who felt the same way you did in life. The forest is full of unicorns, rainbows and the Kumbaya Chorale, singing non stop folk and freedom songs, 24/7 in the forest. And they're nekkid too!
For an additional fee, we can even offer locally grown dope and cheap wine of which living relatives can partake, when they come for a visit! How's that for touchy, God Damn feely?
2. We'll plant a tree on top of your dead, decanted a$$ to keep your memory and the enchanted forest alive for future generations too. For an additional fee, other members can be burnt and buried at a discount. And heck, we'll even plant your pet!
But wait, there's more!
If any of your immediate relatives wishes any of my staff a "Merry Christmas", you won't be charged a restocking fee!
And that's not all!
If any of your high school or university enrolled children can tell me the first name of the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt - and yes, I was named after him - I'll ax the tax!
Ask about your dead relative's commemorative newspaper headline, like the one above. Instead of FDR's name, we'll substitute your dearly departed's moniker...or someone in your family that you don't like, but who you would like to see as our next customer! It comes in a stained pine picture frame!
It's a crazy Christmas at Carter's Fir and Funerary Farm, just off the Interstate, beside the creamery. Look for our crematory stack. It's the tallest in the state!
Limited time seasonal gifts also available in our gift store. See everything!
Hi folks, Franklin Carter of Carter's Fir and Funerary Farm, here to offer you a crazy Christmas deal! We must have drank too much of granddaddy's moonshine, because, here we go again!
My Sales Manager, Judah Ben Buddha, has been sweatin' his circumcised dangly bits off in order to offer Democratic decedents a deal that will make their Christmas - or should I say, their "holiday season", a special one. Oh heck, we know you're upset with the last election, but not havin' your party win shouldn't throw a fukk into your funeral arrangements!
No, we won't put a hex on, or send our president-elect a scathing letter of rebuke, but we are prepared to deliver a very liberal 2 for 1 deal.
We're calling our limited time offer, The Dead Dems New Deal!
1. We'll burn and bury your dead a$$ in our special, "Magical Enchanted Forest", so you can be with others who felt the same way you did in life. The forest is full of unicorns, rainbows and the Kumbaya Chorale, singing non stop folk and freedom songs, 24/7 in the forest. And they're nekkid too!
For an additional fee, we can even offer locally grown dope and cheap wine of which living relatives can partake, when they come for a visit! How's that for touchy, God Damn feely?
2. We'll plant a tree on top of your dead, decanted a$$ to keep your memory and the enchanted forest alive for future generations too. For an additional fee, other members can be burnt and buried at a discount. And heck, we'll even plant your pet!
But wait, there's more!
If any of your immediate relatives wishes any of my staff a "Merry Christmas", you won't be charged a restocking fee!
And that's not all!
If any of your high school or university enrolled children can tell me the first name of the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt - and yes, I was named after him - I'll ax the tax!
Ask about your dead relative's commemorative newspaper headline, like the one above. Instead of FDR's name, we'll substitute your dearly departed's moniker...or someone in your family that you don't like, but who you would like to see as our next customer! It comes in a stained pine picture frame!
It's a crazy Christmas at Carter's Fir and Funerary Farm, just off the Interstate, beside the creamery. Look for our crematory stack. It's the tallest in the state!
Limited time seasonal gifts also available in our gift store. See everything!
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