It’s time now for Back Porch Commentary, published every week for The Nugget media group. Brought to you by your local Country Lard Store, where 'Fat is fine, anytime!'
Country Lard! Country Lard!
It's always soft and squishy!
It's never cold and hard!
Yee haw!
---
No One asked Your Opinion!
copyright 2005 - Grumpy Old Man - exclusive!
Whenever I feel like square dancing, I either submerse my head in a cooler full of ice or stuff it down the dump hole of a commercial porta-potty. See, it's not that square dancing is so bad. It's great exercise, gets you out and beats anything with Pauly Shore in it. It's just...well, it's old fashioned.
Remember your grandparents? They were the ones that got all excited about it when you were a kid. They always went to the senior's centre. Let's face it; anything that could be considered exciting at a place like that could not be cool for a young person to do.
And what about the clothing? I don't mean real western wear, but the actual attire, purpose made for square dancers! There are cowboy hats and then there are cowboy hats for square dancers! I'm talking about the oddly coloured ladies hats with strange things growing out of the brim. You know, the ones with feathers that they sell to unsuspecting tourists at the Calgary Stampede or souvenir traps along the Trans Canada Highway.
Then there are the shoes. They're supposed to be cowboy boots, but they look suspiciously like running shoes with fake western stitching on them. Whoa! Please grandma, don't buy me any for school EVER!
And what about when your mom or dad forced you to go with them to the community centre to pick up your grandparents? They actually made you go inside! There was this smell. I can't really describe it to anyone that hasn't actually experienced it. It's an odd 'old person' odour. I suspect that, once upon a time, it was a predator attractant.
Mother Nature no doubt infused this smell into seniors to bring in the big cats or bears. Nowadays, it only attracts other oldsters.
Finally, there were the endless stories about what things were like when your granddad was a boy. You always thought that the world could not have existed that long ago, but there sat living proof that the planet was indeed an ancient rock! Of course, when you were young, you believed granddad when he said things like,
"Don't cross your eyes or they'll stay that way if the wind changes direction!" or "Only a real man appreciates an unfiltered cigarette after supper!"
I wonder if he'd be disappointed to learn that you still cross your eyes outside and never started smoking.
Oh well, there you have it. In the end though, there won't be a lot of difference between you and your grandparents when you reach their age. You'll unconsciously start doing and saying things like that with your own grandchildren. It's a rite of passage and nature's way of mentally disciplining our youth.
Whether you like it or not, you are becoming everything that bothered the younger you. There's nothing that you can do about it. About the best advice I can give is to hang out where your grand kids go. Be the dirty old person that most young people are embarrassed to be seen with or related to. It's fun.
And yes, it sure beats doh-see-dohing.
Country Lard! Country Lard!
It's always soft and squishy!
It's never cold and hard!
Yee haw!
---
No One asked Your Opinion!
copyright 2005 - Grumpy Old Man - exclusive!
Whenever I feel like square dancing, I either submerse my head in a cooler full of ice or stuff it down the dump hole of a commercial porta-potty. See, it's not that square dancing is so bad. It's great exercise, gets you out and beats anything with Pauly Shore in it. It's just...well, it's old fashioned.
Remember your grandparents? They were the ones that got all excited about it when you were a kid. They always went to the senior's centre. Let's face it; anything that could be considered exciting at a place like that could not be cool for a young person to do.
And what about the clothing? I don't mean real western wear, but the actual attire, purpose made for square dancers! There are cowboy hats and then there are cowboy hats for square dancers! I'm talking about the oddly coloured ladies hats with strange things growing out of the brim. You know, the ones with feathers that they sell to unsuspecting tourists at the Calgary Stampede or souvenir traps along the Trans Canada Highway.
Then there are the shoes. They're supposed to be cowboy boots, but they look suspiciously like running shoes with fake western stitching on them. Whoa! Please grandma, don't buy me any for school EVER!
And what about when your mom or dad forced you to go with them to the community centre to pick up your grandparents? They actually made you go inside! There was this smell. I can't really describe it to anyone that hasn't actually experienced it. It's an odd 'old person' odour. I suspect that, once upon a time, it was a predator attractant.
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Finally, there were the endless stories about what things were like when your granddad was a boy. You always thought that the world could not have existed that long ago, but there sat living proof that the planet was indeed an ancient rock! Of course, when you were young, you believed granddad when he said things like,
"Don't cross your eyes or they'll stay that way if the wind changes direction!" or "Only a real man appreciates an unfiltered cigarette after supper!"
I wonder if he'd be disappointed to learn that you still cross your eyes outside and never started smoking.
Oh well, there you have it. In the end though, there won't be a lot of difference between you and your grandparents when you reach their age. You'll unconsciously start doing and saying things like that with your own grandchildren. It's a rite of passage and nature's way of mentally disciplining our youth.
Whether you like it or not, you are becoming everything that bothered the younger you. There's nothing that you can do about it. About the best advice I can give is to hang out where your grand kids go. Be the dirty old person that most young people are embarrassed to be seen with or related to. It's fun.
And yes, it sure beats doh-see-dohing.
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